Comments on: Crying and Comforting

By: Another Mamma

Another Mamma — Sun, 13 May 2012 04:51:24 +0000

Hi Parents,

From personal experience, I can agree that there is no need to break a baby’s heart by ignoring them.

As an infant, our daughter was especially fussy at night. Our first child slept well, but our second seemed to be waking up at the same time and was screaming herself into throwing up. I could never stay away for long, but wondered if this was part of our emerging pattern with our daughter. I thought this way because of the notion, which was in the news at the time, that babies should be sort of boot-camped with silence and avoidance from their parents if they cried at night. Eventually we realized that the pattern we thought was bad parenting was actually a digestive disorder coupled with a food allergy, which her doctor confirmed. When what she ate hit her intestines, about the same time in the middle of the night, she was in a lot of pain, hence the crying. It would have been heartless, in retrospect, to not attend a sick baby. I remember a granny saying, “You can’t spoil a newborn”. So, although I know older kids can work you with a dazzling aplomb of manipulations, please listen and respond to your newborn.

By: Meagan

Meagan — Thu, 10 May 2012 07:45:40 +0000

Katarina, I chuckled when you wrote “I would make her independent”. Isn’t that what parents in modern society think? That they can force independence on their children. It’s also one of the biggest problems with our children,these days-children who are forced into independence to meet with their parents needs. Shouldn’t it be the parents who shift their lives to meet the needs of the children? That’s the beauty of AP,the children get to gain independence at their own pace,and through that,far more confidence than any child who has it forced upon them,most often,far too early,could ever have. I’m so happy for you that you found this better,more caring,loving, instinctual way of parenting

By: Andrea

Andrea — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:29:12 +0000

Hi Reese,
I mixed the no cry sleep solution with Kim West ‘Good night, Sleep tight’ when my twin girls were driving me insane with night nursing! We managed to finally get good night sleep and much improved day sleep. Good luck to you.

By: Reese

Reese — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 00:06:42 +0000

I have a question regarding my almost 11 month old daughter. She is a highly sensitive baby and has never slept more than a few hours at a time. She starts in her crib and we co-sleep after her first night waking. The issue is she now awakens every hour to comfort nurse back to sleep – this has gone on for several months. She never gets a solid stretch of sleep and I am very concerned that she is extremely sleep deprived (as are her parents). I suspect this contributes to her cranky behaviors during the day. She also yawns and rubs her eyes throughout the day even after waking from a nap. I worry this could be detrimental to her development and am considering sleep training. I have always been against cry-it-out, but feel I have no other options. I have tried the No Cry Sleep Solution and it did not work for us. She has not attached to a lovey or any object but the breast. I am so torn with scarring her emotionally with cry-it-out or stunting her developmentally because she is not receiving the sleep her body needs. Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks,
Reese

By: The Attached Family

The Attached Family — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 20:44:14 +0000

It’d be good to check with his health practitioner if you’re concerned.

By: Pammybaby

Pammybaby — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 04:45:20 +0000

question: Our 9 month old son, who has been AP since birth, started screaming 2 days ago, out of joy, while playing, just sitting around. He’s dry, fed, rested, and in good health. It is ear piercing, window shattering screams, 2 a minute. I have ear plugs in now. I am trying really hard not to give a grimaced reaction to him out of displeasure, but it is really hard. His vocal cords sound like they are being taxed. His entire body tenses, his face goes red, and then he has to catch his breath.
Is this just a stage? Should I engage with him in a normal way, like he was just having a regular reaction to his toys, the cat, food, etc.? Could this be a food reaction? He’s breastfed with a couple of light meals a day of fruit and veggies.
Thanks, Frazzled in London, Canada

By: Katarina

Katarina — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 08:05:22 +0000

I’m a new mother with a six month old. I am fairly disciplined and went into this pregnancy thinking I would be a cry it out mom, and I would make my daughter independent. As things progressed, she was born and I was anti- co- sleeping. This was mainly out of fear. My newborn just looked so helpless and I couldn’t forgive myself if I rolled on top of her. I was also glued to the sleep monitor . So I bought a cosleeper that put her in a crib within an army’s reach of me. As she got older, she’s had bouts of erratic sleep. I should start by saying that she started sleeping through th night at 7 weeks without any co-sleeping. But when she hit her milestones, we would have bouts of horrible sleep waking up hourly, crankiness, etc. Out of frustration, I would pull her into bed with me. She would calm down quickly and settle into sleep. Then I discovered the joys of nursing while laying down!! Now when we have these bouts – I co- sleep without a second thought. My little one is capable of sleeping anywhere I put her, but sometimes she needs some extra soothing next to me. I don’t feel guilty about that. Ultimately after obsessively reading about different parenting methods – I threw all that advice out the window. I just do what feels natural and instinctive. If I need to give her the breast to help her sleep I do it. If she needs to sleep with me – so be it. To be honest – she’s a happy and very adventurous little baby. We keep her stimulated and she isn’t terribly clingy – but when she wants some affection she wants it! I am nervous about cosleeping when she can crawl but I will cross that bridge when I get there. We’re going to be moving her to her room soon, but I will still pull her in bed with us when she struggles to sleep.

I really don’t buy into the idea that babies need to be taught independence at such a young age. I feel like they need to be taught coping mechanisms. For example, when my little one is in melt down mode, I’ve taught her to take my hands (or using something to prop up on) and stand up. She immediately smiles with a sense of accomplishment once she’s done it. It doesn’t mean I won’t coo her if she needs it, but it gives her one more tool to use to cope.

I honestly feel like we need to just follow our instincts rather than obsessing too much about what the ‘right’ method is. You know what your kid’s cries mean. Deep down you know if they need soothing or not. We shouldn’t let some research destroy that instinctual parenting. I’ve never seen a kid that was ruined from being loved too much – but I have seen plenty ruined from not enough.

By: Annette

Annette — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:29:10 +0000

Hi Alyson,
Please do not worry that you have caused your daughter emotional harm by letting her cry once in a while. Michael Commons theory about crying causing brain damage is absurd. It is a theory, not a fact. Babies have been crying since the beginning of time. It is their way of communicating. I do not believe in letting a baby cry it out (which I will define as letting a baby cry continuously without attempts to comfort her.) Babies cry for a lot of different reasons. There are tired cries and hungry cries. Toddlers even cry out of frustration or anger at times.
I think it is wonderful to try and keep babies from crying by addressing their needs but sometimes they are going to cry anyway even while being soothed. I don’t think that causes emotional harm. If you are comforting her while she is crying then you are supporting her feelings.
It is a wonderful goal to want to keep your child from crying all the time but not realistic. Toddlers especially can be allowed to cry if you are trying to set a boundary and they are just angry about it. I remember my sister telling my son one day “Well okay, you just go ahead and cry about it them if you have to. I’ll be right here.” And she went on sweeping while my son pitched a fit right in front of her. He had wanted to play with something dangerous in the kitchen and she had taken it away. I don’t think he was harmed by that incident, do you? She had tried to comfort him and he was still angry at losing his “toy”. She stayed present and that is the important part.

By: Alyson

Alyson — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 23:50:57 +0000

If you’ve let your toddler cry-it-out some, but only rarely, can this damage the bond you have? I feel like my daughter, 20 months, is sometimes too shy or clingy and worry it’s because I’ve let her cry on occasion. It breaks my heart to think I may have caused her emotional harm.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:24:43 +0000

nurturing a child is not a horrible habit but unfortunately is seen as one in our modern society. Letting babies cry it out is actually a new habit invented in the 20th Century to support our changing lifestyles. extended family fragmentation, both parents working etc.Independence actually comes when a child is well attached (safe, routine, calm hosue hold, helpful rules and boundaries).

There is now 20 years of excellent research on the neurobiology of trauma. Everyone needs to read a bit of Dr Bruce Perry’s work.

I agree with Pam and attachsw on this.