Anyway redirection and trying to suss out her needs are now firmly back on my list of parenting tools. In the towel pulling scenario 2 thoughts occur to me: was the little one’s need one for exploring or wanting attention. If I plumped for exploration one thing to do could be to put lots of plastic dishes on the towel or set up another towel somewhere else on the surface with lots of plastic things on it, and let him tug away. If I was feeling really brave I might put something small and breakable on the towel too so that some learning could take place around that.

I tend to think of redirection as allowing my little one to do the exact same action she was intending to do but without the consequence that I don’t desire. ie If she’s decided throwing mud at mummy will be fun and I’m not in the mood; I ask her to notice my not so happy face and tell her I don’t feel in the mood for that right now and then I redirct her to using a bush or plant or patch of grass as muddy target practice. I’ve found this type of redirection works as she’s just not distractable in the substitution manner any more. Once she’s set her mind to something she will just keep going at it!!

I understand. My son is a high needs, very curious, and very determined child. In this instance it was because the thermos was an ongoing source of fascination for him and he wasn’t done exploring it. I couldn’t have made a substitute with just any old toy and expect it to work.

What I’m talking about is discovering what your child’s base need is, then trying to help her meet that need in an appropriate way. Does she insist on going for the towel because she doesn’t have enough opportunity to explore new things?

Only you can really work out what works best for you and your child in any given circumstance. If you are working on a task that she absolutely must have her hands in, you can either give her opportunity to “help” (I put a little flour in a bowl and let my son stir it when I bake), or you can pick her up in your arms and talk to her softly with kisses and tickles (is it really mommy time she’s craving?) and redirect her to a craft or activity at a table close to you. I keep containers of age-appropriate craft supplies such as straws, disposable sippy cup lids, large googly eyes, and play dough (these are all fun mixed together). Make sure she is engaged in her new activity and has spent a few minutes doing it with you before you sneak off again.

Sometimes if the source of fascination is a permanent object, changes have to be made. Imagine a big, luscious chocolate cake (or whatever would tempt you the most) sitting on the table day after day, and you’re not allowed to have a bite! One day you just might break down and grab a piece. Well, I would.

Once my son was mobile, we had to redecorate the whole house. I’ve never known anyone to have to go to such extremes as we did, and people looked at us funny until my curious child visited their houses. I have no more floor lamps, or lamps of any kind, and had to rethink lighting until we strung café lights through the living room. Very bohemian.

I do occasionally use time-ins, and he often hears “no.” But I try to limit it and take into account where he is in his development and how much he can be expected to handle. As he gets older, I allow more opportunity for him to learn limitations. We have moved the bookcases back in the living room from the attic and now he understands that we don’t dump the books off every day.

I often get compliments on how happy and well behaved my son is when we are out. He listens to me a good percent of the time and respects my authority.

I believe that behavior modifications start with the parents’ behavior. We either take the time to figure out what works for our child, or we break them. For me, that’s just not an option.

I know it’s hard, but with a little detective work into your child’s needs I’m confident you’ll both learn to find a balance. Remember, it’s these determined little ones that are going to change the world!

To discuss this further, I recommend going to the API Forum in the Positive Discipline section: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=123. It’s a place to find advice and to share your own experiences.

I also recommend reading Discipline without Distress by Judy Arnall, which may give you some great strategies. Anyone else care to share your favorite discipline book?