Comments on: When Daddy Goes Away

By: Naomi Aldort

Naomi Aldort — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 23:10:31 +0000

Thank you all for the comments. I do want to clarify that, yes, I did mention video chat (Skype is a video chat program) but I did not mention photos or rituals for a reason. these actually ad to the drama and tell the child to be anxious. “We need the photo because we are having a hard time not seeing daddy.” Likewise, “including” daddy in a bedtime routine may again inflate missing him. We want to empower the child to live with reality. In reality daddy isn’t with us at bedtime. Why pretend? We pretend in an effort to sooth the pain and so we teach that it is painful and that we need to distract ourselves from feelings.

When daddy is away, he is away. We can be happy while missing him. We can be happy going to bed with mommy. And, we can miss him and be present to that feeling with no distractions. The idea is not to treat it like a problem. Embrace the feelings rather than imply that they need soothing. Video chat is simply a way to connect daily, which, like the phone, is available in reality and can be enjoyed. However pretend tricks
counter the goal of loving the feeling and feeling capable of being with it.

Instead of offering “tricks” to avoid feelings, empower the child to feel and to be with it the way it is. Missing daddy is a wonderful feeling of love and connection.

Warmly,
Naomi Aldort

By: Sharron

Sharron — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 21:29:26 +0000

Wonderfully expressed advice and I wish you all the best with this. My husband generally leaves for 4-5 days at a time, but his trips are every other week. His absence is hard on me, and can be confusing for our three small children.

I will second the advice in not adding to the drama. It’s okay to admit that you miss him, too. But reinforce how much Daddy loves both of you whether he is in the house or not.

I also suggest doing small things suggested by Cass, like putting a special photo next to the bed so Daddy can “sleep” with him. If you can record a video of your husband reading a favorite book or singing a song, that can become a really fun way to cheer up the little guy when he wants to “see” Daddy. We hold hands for a prayer before dinner, so when Daddy is gone, the older girls reach out and pretend to hold his hands. (They came up with this on their own, and I’ve always thought it was a special ritual.)

It’s not easy, but your son may surprise you if you can lead the way. Our travel situation and the frequent absences has helped me redefine the idea of family. Even though my husband leaves, his love remains and now my children understand this too.

By: Amie

Amie — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 06:27:16 +0000

@Cass: Thank you for the excellent suggestions. I especially like the one about recording a CD of the voice. @Naomi: Thank you for a wonderful article. While I am not personally dealing with my partner leaving for an extended period, I found it relevant to other important people in our daughter’s life that have gone away. Such as close relatives on extended stays with us. She seems to look to us for guidance as to how to feel when they leave. What are your thoughts on the parallel?

By: This week on www.theattachedfamily.com

This week on www.theattachedfamily.com — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 05:55:50 +0000

[...] When Daddy Goes Away by American parenting educator and author Naomi Aldort [...]

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 17:37:28 +0000

My children are four and five years old and have spent more time away from their father than with him because of his work/travel situation. This has been a huge source of trauma and sadness in our family. We have tried everything from therapeutic play to making our own books on the subject. we have made every use of technology including live ichat book reading and regular ” digital” visits. Nothing seemed to relieve the pain for my daughters not to mention the difficult transitions when dad would come home.
I found the article very helpful in that it is vital for the attitude of the parents, namely me the mom who stayed to be ” positive and powerful” that has many meanings for me, including learning to have enough self worth to acknowledge my own feelings about the lifestyle and how to be true to my own happiness within it. I also thought that the ” drama” concepts introduced were very insightful! It is very difficult as a parent not to try and sooth your suffering child but the subtle language of ” you’re so sad, what a bummer” to ” you are sad, mommy knows” creates a huge difference in the child’s ability to process the experience on her own terms!! Correctly validating feelings leads a child to learning from challenges rather than becoming broken spirited. I have seen a huge difference in tantrums and transitions with my older child when I subtly change my language to simply validate her feelings rather than add to the ” drama” by relating to her or adding my own exclamations of remorse or how to feel better! We can’t “fix” feelings! Thanks so much! Very interesting!!

By: Summer Sunderland

Summer Sunderland — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 03:46:32 +0000

I love how she explains just being present with her son’s feelings, without trying to change them , and calmly validating his feelings. This is so, so, so important.

By: cass

cass — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 22:15:54 +0000

I don’t think the response has given any practical advice, so I shall make a few suggestions.

What about using Skype so that Daddy and son can talk every day (This was an option I used when my own husband spent several months away from home).

What about initiating a bedtime routine reading a book, then have Daddy record a CD of stories to listen to.

What about taking photos and placing them around the house. We created a photo album full of photos of Daddy and Daughter which become part of her play toys.

By: Diana @Hormonal Imbalances

Diana @Hormonal Imbalances — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 21:27:00 +0000

Thank you for this post. In a few weeks, my husband is leaving for over 4 months. We have a 15 month old and I wonder constantly about how this will affect her.

Your answer gave me hope and a sense of responsiblity for my feelings and that how I act about the situation will greatly change the way she views and reacts to it too.

Thank you again.