Comments on: The Use — and Abuse — of Attachment Research in Family Courts

By: The Attached Family

The Attached Family — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 10:18:10 +0000

Dear Twin Mother,

Here are some resources that you may find helpful:

The article “My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit Her Father” on TheAttachedFamily.com reviews potential issues with divorce and small children and presents possible solutions.

API has a page dedicated to Divorce/Custody and Blended Families here: http://attachmentparenting.org/parentingtopics/divorcecustodyblendedfamilies.php

API Forum features a Divorce and Custody forum here: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/. This is a restricted access forum, so you will need to first sign up for forum access on the Forum homepage, then click the link on the Divorce and Custody forum, Obtaining Access to Restricted Forums.

We will email you with additional resources that may be helpful in your situation.

By: Twin mother

Twin mother — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 21:48:35 +0000

Great article that addresses the very real situations we face. Unfortunately, I went through a very contested divorce that started when my twins were less than six months. We underwent a custody evaluation by a trained psychologist, yet the actual trial didn’t take place until much later and most of the damaging findings regarding my ex-husband were not given the proper weight in determining the custody order. The judge ordered my ex-husband multi-night visitation with my 27 month-old twins. One of my daughters is beginning to show very worrisome signs of separation anxiety. She went from a child that slept through the night since 4 months and who would ask for hew nap, to a child that cries every night at bedtime and several nights a week wakes up during the night screaming for Momma. And she also seems to go between being angry at me and pushing away from me when Daddy is there to being very clingy and need to be touching me. She has no problem when she is dropped off at preschool but she is starting to become more timid when she goes to school. At first I thought it was because she was being spoiled at Daddy’s house but in reading, it sounds much more like separation anxiety due to being away from multiple nights several times a month.

With all of that, what options are there to rectify the situation before any more harm is done? I live in California, which unfortunately is a “pro-father” state and tends to lean heavily in favor of the father’s “rights” and forgets what is in the best interest of the children. Any suggestions??

By: The Attached Family » The Use — and Abuse — of Attachment … | Family Advice

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 18:35:58 +0000

[...] is the original post: The Attached Family » The Use — and Abuse — of Attachment … ← The Best Parenting Question to Ask Kids for … – Parenting Skills [...]

By: Mark B. Baer, Esq.

Mark B. Baer, Esq. — Sun, 19 Aug 2012 17:12:34 +0000

Thank you for sharing this very important article. The information conveyed is consistent with what I have learned from experts in the field, including Gabor Mate’, MD. I had the pleasure of attending one of Dr. Mate’s presentations and purchased several of his books. The one that seems on point with this topic is “Hold on to your Kids.”

While I agree with everything stated in the article, it overlooks a key problem. When parents separate and/or divorce, they tend to make derogatory comments about the other parent to the child(ren) and they tend to convey similar information through their body language, etc. Thus, in reality, it tends not to be feasible for the other parent to exercise visitation with the child while the primary parent is present. Moreover, if they try to do so, the “environment” is such that it conveys negative information about the other parent to the child(ren).

I copied the following quote from the article because it clearly addresses the problem: “It is not in the interest of building the best relationship between the child and the father or mother for judges, mediators or parents to require a child to do so before the child expresses an interest in spending the night away. “

When, if ever, would a child “express an interest in spending the night away” with the other parent, after they have heard derogatory comments about that parent from their primary parent for their entire life (through verbal or non-verbal communication) and the child never had the opportunity to get to know the other parent to learn otherwise?

The research also shows that it is in the best interest of children to have a relationship with both parents, except in very special situations. The child(ren) may never have a relationship with both parents if the courts did not “force” such things. This is because of what the primary parent tends to do. What came first, the chicken or the egg?

By: Motheroftwosweetgirls

Motheroftwosweetgirls — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 03:16:16 +0000

Dear Motherofone,
I am so sorry for what you and your daughter are up against. My only advice for you is to get the best lawyer you can to represent you in court. If you don’t the Judges will not even listen to you. I would also recommend that you get a male lawyer, female lawyers don’t have the drive to fight to the end! It’s just part of being male and female. If you want to win, invest early in the best lawyer you can, even if it means selling everything you own! I am praying for you and all the other mothers who are forced by the courts to let the fathers have overnight visitations before the child is emotionally ready. God bless you.

By: Mel

Mel — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 06:04:27 +0000

Mississippi judge, Percy Lynchard, concocted an order that took a toddler away from it’s primary attachment figure – for very long periods of time, with no concern on the child’s welfare and future development. This article shows what damage his actions have done. I would like to know how many other children he has put this damage on. Is it possible to sue the man?

By: Lisa

Lisa — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 04:11:13 +0000

About to try and re-open a divorce settlement/parenting plan (has anyone ever tried this). I was threatened of loosing my kid and getting kicked out of the house if I went to see an attorney on my own, so we had his “buddy” do the paper work and here’s the parenting plan. 13 month old girl goes with dad every other weekend and on the weekends she’s not with him he has her 2 nights out of the week. ALOT of shifting back and forth and I’m worried it’s going to place her in that “where do I belong” place. Any thoughts on this? Thank you.

By: Motheroftwo

Motheroftwo — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 20:48:05 +0000

Dear Motherofone.
My heart is with you… I went thru a custody battle myself, with an abusive father, and I know how hard it must be for you. I just want to let you know that there are many mother, more than you can imagine, having to fight this battles in court. I was lucky enough to figured out how to leave the country so that I can protect my daugher from this madness. I was very lucky as I was able to do it 100% within the law.

May the universe grand you the wisdom to fight this battle. My best piece of advise is to find an expert witness that can help the judge understand the situation. Try to contact Kathleen Huggins, she wrote the book “The Nursing Mother’s guide to weaning” and has a section about court situations, I am going to quote her book in case you don’t get a hold of a copy or her: “Consult La Leche League for help in preparing your defense. Katherin Dettwyler, an anthropologist who has devoted her career to the study of breastfeeding, provides a “Letter for Court Cases” in support of extended breastfeeding on her Web site… find it at http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detletter.htm.”

I really hope this helps.

Motherof two.

By: Motherofone

Motherofone — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 12:43:39 +0000

Thank you for publishing this article. I am currently going through a custody fight with my ex-husband in the state of Texas primarily because he is very upset that our 4 year old daughter still nurses. I have been told by mediators and attorneys that this is very unusual and will be looked down upon to a jury (my ex is pushing for a jury trial.) I was asked to sign a contract in mediation that I would wean my daughter by the time she was age 5, I refused. I stated to the courts during our divorce in 2007 that I fully intended to allow my daughter to self wean. During that mediation I agreed to allow overnight visitations at age 18 months…..something I deeply regret. My daughter goes for 42 days next summer because that is the STANDARD long distance visitation in this state. Children are not viewed as individuals but as property here and it has been my experience that once you become a mother you loose all credibility on the child you are actually an expert on. Since I did not agree to my ex-husband’s demands in mediation he is now seeking full custody and to move her to another state. It is painfully obvious to me over the past 5 years ( I left him when I was pregnant) that our current day laws and vehicles for mediation are not in regards to what is best for our children but in what is best for the attorneys involved (their bank accounts and political gain or favor with a judge or other attorneys who would refer business such as being appointed as the child’s attorney) and for the parent with whom the child does not live. I am not sure how to protect my daughter as in doing what I believe is right for her I would be seen by a judge ( who does not have to live every day with the decision she passes down) as being non-cooperative. Yes, my daughter is very angry with me and has told me so….her biggest wish/desire is to stay with Mommy. She doesn’t mind visiting Daddy during the day but she wants to be home with Mommy every night.

So in we go to court to defend extended nursing and child rights. Thank God for the American Pediatrics views on nursing and for those views being repeated by the Texas Department of Health Services. Wish me luck! and thank you again for this article.

By: The Use — and Abuse — of Attachment Research in Family Courts

The Use — and Abuse — of Attachment Research in Family Courts — Mon, 23 May 2011 14:01:08 +0000

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