Comments on: School-Age Children and the Family Bed

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By: A-mama

A-mama — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 07:01:34 +0000

Great article and insightful comments! Thanks so much!

Our son is three and has his own room and twin bed. Some nights he goes to sleep in it and wanders into our room. Most nights he just goes to sleep with us. He is a bed hog, so I’ll often head to his bed if I need a break. As time has gone on, I’ve stopped listening to others’ comments and just settled into our little way of life. At three he is extremely independent, intelligent and charismatic. His teachers say his compassion is “remarkable.”

On the nights when he is in his bed, I worry about him. After three years, I’m used to his breathing patterns, and constantly get up to check on him when he isn’t with us. My husband and I both work full-time, so the nighttime is the best time of day. We talk about the day, read books, make up stories and cuddle.

I don’t feel the intimacy with my husband has suffered due to the family bed. If anything, it makes us more creative about sneaking away!

By: J-Mom

J-Mom — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 16:39:16 +0000

Love this article! Older son (age 12) slept with us until 5, younger son at 5-1/2 is still with us. We do have some issues, though. (1) My hubby wants the little one out. We don’t have any private space – our downstairs is all open and the guest room is full of junk! (2) Our older son likes company at bedtime. He had a full bed, and I would sit w/him sometimes at night, but we bought bunk beds, hoping the little one would move in w/him (which hasn’t happened) and I can’t sit w/him in the top bunk! (I do sit in a chair and read at times.) (3) The older one wants to lie w/us at times but my hubby freaks out about it. Partly because he (son) is a bed hog, and partly because he has a bedwetting problem, that developed after he moved out of our room, probably due to sleep/breathing issues. He uses a mat in his own bed. I think hubby is also just not comfortable with it for other reasons that he can’t articulate. Anyway, I feel cruel sometimes when my son tries to lie down w/us and we don’t let him, since the rest of us are there. Sorry for the long post. Just expressing all this has helped me think of some ways to improve the situation!!! Thanks for the great article.

By: MELANIE

MELANIE — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 23:10:18 +0000

My almost 6 year old dosen’t want to sdleep without mommy yet… She ends up in our bed religiously every night.. Her almost 4 year old sister is more ready for independant sleep, yet she often follows her big sis’s lead…

The EBF baby sleeps with me as that simplifies life…

It is comforting to know other families bed share with school aged kids… Even though they probably won’t admit it publically… I keep it to myself or downplay it to others as there is a stigma attached to it…

My husband isn’t as much of a fan but mainly because there is less space for him strech out… We want the older two to move to their own room more often… But arn’t forcing it yet…

By: Jillian

Jillian — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 16:59:18 +0000

My oldest (now 11) was my only bed companion for the first 5 years of her life. When my now husband & I moved in together she asked if she could have a “nest” next to our bed for the nights she wanted to come in. My husband was the first to say of course. We currently have 2 sleeping in our bed (ages 3 & 5months) and on occasion my big girl likes to sleep in bed with the whole fam we have a king sized bed on the floor with a twin next to it to extend the size of our bed, the 3 yr old is a bed hog lol we love having our babies close, middle of the night sleepy declarations of love from our toddler when the baby wakes him, waking up in the morning to see my big tough construction worker husband snuggled up with at least one of our boys, I can go on and on. We are so close, my children have special bonds not only with mom & dad but with their siblings too

By: Vera

Vera — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 19:52:11 +0000

Awesome choice of an article! My 7 y.o. daughter has slept w/us since day 1 and yes, the stigma goes along w/that. However, we see no need to force her to do something that either of us don’t see as a problem. There are nights when she wants to be on her own, and we respect that & abide by that, although she “ends” up in our bed anyway! We, too, choose not to share the family bedroom concept w/others because those who are curious in our lives, specifically, are the most judgemental, and quite frankly I owe no explanation to no one. However, for new parents who ask, I openly tell them our experience and my research on attachment parenting, and then it all seems to make sense for them also. Yay for family bedrooms!

By: Cheri

Cheri — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 20:47:19 +0000

Kudos for bringing this topic up. We chose bedsharing when our twins (now 9) were born because it made nighttime nursing easier; we continued bedsharing because everyone loves the closeness and connection it provides. When I was pregnant with our youngest (now 2), we added a twin bed next to our king so no one would have to be displaced by the new baby. I try to share our experiences with other parents who seem receptive whenever possible – so often I hear “If you let the baby into your bed he’ll never leave” and think, “so what?” Our twins have their own rooms now and sleep in their own beds most of the time, but still are welcome in our room. I miss that time together before we all fall asleep. My introverted son really opens up as he’s getting drowsy and I get to hear all the wonderful thoughts, ideas, and concerns going through his mind. I would have missed out on so much of that if I insisted on “independence” before he was ready. I can’t understand the concerns about adult intimacy and privacy; the window of time when my children’s needs are so intense is quite short. My husband and I had plenty of time alone before we had children and will have plenty of time alone in the future. This is a season of our lives and it will pass far too quickly even without pushing our children to grow up before they’re ready!

By: Kami

Kami — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 11:56:07 +0000

What a wonderful article. My husband and I bed-share with our eight year old. It is amazing how peaceful the bedtime routine is at our house, and how smoothly all of us transition to sleep. When I hear other families discuss how difficult their nightime routine is I am so thankful for our decision to co-sleep/bed-share. It’s a piece of cake!

Additionally, people comment on how our son is so “well grounded” and connected to us. While it’s true that the connection comes from many of our attachment parenting practices, I believe that allowing him to be close to us during his most vulnerable hours (i.e. feel protection during sleep) is one of the main reasons. He feels safe and guarded.

In his 8+ years of life, he has never slept without at least one of us.

Please continue to share these types of articles so that parents who have the instinct to bed-share or room-share but are afraid to, feel that it is “OK”. They will not be investigated by child welfare.

The world will be a better place when everyone, including the children, is “rest assured”

By: Claudia

Claudia — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 04:38:20 +0000

Nice article. Well, not only do we co-sleep our almost 5-year-old son, but -oh shock – I am still nursing him to sleep as well, and there is no end in site! Why is it OK to do this while camping in a tent, or renting a King-size bed in a hotel, but not at home every day? And outside the home, my son is very independent, and plays with other children without our direct supervision!

By: Laura

Laura — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 17:07:23 +0000

Thanks for the article! We bed-share with our 3-1/2 year old and don’t intent to stop unless she indicates a desire otherwise. She does have her own bed and her own room, but it feels more natural to have her in with us. When she is in her own bed, she usually wakes up after a few hours and asks to come in with us anyway. I see no urgency, and I feel that it continues to reinforce the attachment. I agree with Elissa Joy regarding others not admitting to bed-sharing. I’ve become a lot more open about it as my daughter has gotten older, and I see that other parents are relieved to admit to it, but only after they see that I’m open to it.