Hi there!

Regarding the concrete issues you raised and examples you gave, I wanted to share some hopefully helpful and constructive thoughts:

I do agree that sometimes, one does need to be patient as getting what one wants may take longer than expected. However, the idea that “you cannot have everything you want” is, I believe, debatable. But that is another debate.

It is true that the greater the family, the more challenging it can become to meet everyone’s needs especially given that we all have different needs and we all would like to have our needs met immediately. This is especially true with children who, as I mentioned in a previous comment, have no/little experience in managing their feelings and whose developmental needs (physical, motor, cognitive, social) are different from those of adults. They, therefore, require “learning approaches” that are congruent with their abilities to absorb, process, and retain information.

With regard to your 14-month-old baby, it may be that she needs to feel more included during lunch preparation. You could try to have her to participate in the preparation such as helping to mix/add ingredients… It can be fun and a wonderful learning experience at all levels. If in a hurry, you could try wearing her in a wrap or sling (on your back so that you can be hands-free ;o). If baby-wearing is not an option, maybe you could take the opportunity for encouraging sibling-bonding in the kitchen (such as setting a safe corner where both could play with some safe kitchen tools). Other alternatives could be to spend plenty of playtime together just before making lunch or prepare lunch the night before so that you only have to warm it the following day… These are only a few thoughts. It is all about finding what works best for the three of you.

As for candy, I must confess that I am almost 34 years old and still find that sometimes I have room in my tummy for dessert even when I feel like I am about to explode!!! lol… With food being such an emotional experience (we do not only eat for survival), I think it is important to explain to our children the reasons why eating too much of anything in general, and candies in particular, is unhealthy so that they can make healthier choices based on understanding. It does not mean that they will not want to eat candy, but it may help them to manage a “no” or “no more than one” much better. Having children to participate in food preparation is a very effective way, I find, to help establish healthy eating habits. The opportunity can be taken to talk about the different vegetables being prepared, the different delicious recipes that can be made, why they are so good, etc. You will be surprised how children can become the strongest advocates of healthy eating/living when they know and understand the reasons behind a “no”. Here again, teaching by example is paramount! So rather than controlling what our children eat, it is about informing, guiding and empowering so that they can make healthy choices on their own (and trust that they will). Give them plenty of healthy choices: dessert does not necessarily mean candies.

As for learning to live in society, again, unconditional love, gentle and compassionate guidance, and leading/teaching by example are the perfect “tools” for that! I remember that when I was a little girl, nothing could irritate me more than hearing “you do this because I said so” or “because you just have to” or “because that’s they way it is”. Those reasons for me just did not make sense and were not valid reasons. I needed to know why exactly. I needed options.

One of my mottos is what Ghandi once said: “Be the change you want to see in the world”. Everyday, I try to be what I want my son to become, and treat him the way I would like to be treated and wish he to learn to be with others. There is no better way, I believe, to teach our children to live in society and be leaders and creators of change. I also believe that when children (and anyone for that matter) feel that their needs are being met, they do not feel the need to ‘break the rules’. And it all starts at home. The first society you learn to live in is within your family!

All the best and looking forward to hearing what you and others think.

Progressive parenting – which some may also be described as attachment parenting or natural parenting or parenting by heart -, is all about preparing our children to live in society; helping them to realize and understand that we all have needs; helping them to understand, express and fulfil those needs without harming others; working with them as equal partners and allies to ensure that everyone’s needs are met by finding win-win solutions; empowering them to make choices that will enable them to cultivate and maintain a balanced physical and psycho-spiritual health.

As promoted by progressive/attachment/natural parenting style, I truly believe (and my son proves it to me every single day) that all this can be done through unconditional love, gentle and compassionate guidance, and also very importantly, by example (modelling) – and I am a firm believer that teaching by example is the only way. I also think that when parents feel that they “have to control” and that their children “have to learn”, they are putting tremendous pressure on themselves and on their children. As parents, I believe we should trust that our children will develop and mature at their own pace and in their own time. We should trust our children and their ability to learn. We should trust ourselves, and our ability to guide them. By doing so, our children will learn to trust us and feel safe. They will respect us because they will feel respected.

One thing that parents should always keep in mind, which may help, is that once they were children too and to some extent they still are children. Children with more life and world experience (and lots of responsibilities !!!). Just like children, we are continuously learning new things, including how to ‘better’ manage our emotions (and sometimes we still have what some call “tantrums”), develop and maintain a healthy lifestyle, live in an ever-fast-changing society, etc. And it is not always easy, and it can take us some time despite our “life expertise”. Children are no different except that their developmental needs (physical, motor, cognitive, social) are different from those of adults. Hence the importance of parents taking the time to learn about what their children can or cannot do, absorb, process, etc depending on their age. Another thing that may help is remembering to ask ourselves: how would that make me feel? Chances are that our children would feel exactly the same…

While this concept is inherent in the modeling and guidance part of the article, I feel it is important to point it out specifically so that folks understand that this style of parenting is not without structure. It is somewhat paradoxical, but what is required, and often challenging, is to hold that openness and unconditional love at the same time that a parent offers the safety of limits.

Conditions for growth is a favorite theme of mine, and I would love to develop this idea further. Check with Beyond the Brochure for a future piece that might flesh this out.

Kathy