I was sad to read your story. In my opinion, what you’re describing goes far beyond poor parenting and is abuse.

My story is somewhat similar. I have found therapy to be helpful.

I hope you are thriving.

For example, my teenager is banging about the house, he’s bored, he doesn’t want help with the homework that he’s stuck on, apparently there’s never anything decent to eat in the house, and it is all our fault because we live in the country rather than in the village. I can feel my anger rising at the way that he talks to me and how he dampens the atmosphere of wherever he slumps himself. However, if I pause, and look at him, I can see that he is unhappy. Really unhappy. Sure, the way that he is making certain that we all share in his unhappiness is not pleasant, but if I can refrain from reacting to that, and respond to his sadness instead, I might actually help him.

Teenagers can not always be easy to reach. Each parent seeks to learn how best to weave through the prickles or the gloominess, to reach the child within. Everyone, no matter what age, feels better for feeling like someone cares enough to notice. Finding the right tone and the right words is not always easy – but better to try than to withdraw from them.

A small change can make a big difference…

- Making disparaging comments when your teen gets surprisingly good grades in school and then praise the sibling(s) for getting mediocre grades. (One term, I got a 95 out of 100 in English and a 99 out of 100 in Chemistry. I really worked hard for those grades. My mother put down my Chemistry grade, because I got extra credit for solving a very difficult problem that required graduate school level mathematics. English was my weakest subject in high school and I was surprised that I got a 95 that term. No matter how good I did, it wasn’t good enough for her. That term, my brother got mediocre grades, which was expected, and got praised to high heaven.)

- Pick fights with your child hours before an important exam. Try to cause your child to do badly in school. (My parents did this–they found my assignment calendar and picked fights while taking me to my SATs and ACTs. I refused to take the examinations. I rescheduled the exams and got a friend’s parent to drive me to the exam site.)

- Promise to give your child a ride to an event, then ‘forget’ about the promise. Don’t pick up your child when planned–either ask your child to wait somewhere for over an hour and then give a lame excuse.

- Don’t give your child age appropriate privileges. Give younger siblings age inappropriate privileges.

- Plan a family trip to Santa’s Workshop, Frontier Town, Storyland, or other very kiddie amusement park and force your teen to go.

- Buy Christmas gifts for your children for next year at this year’s After Christmas sales. Get really miffed when your child’s interests have changed and he or she is NOT HAPPY with the gifts.

- Fail to praise your child or teen when he or she behaves exceptionally well. (Example: An older friend who had returned to town from college threw a kegger–the drinking age was 18 then. There was more than just beer at that party–and teens were lighting up. Eight party goers wanted to go home and needed rides. I was planning to walk home, but I called home and asked Dad to bring the station wagon. I spread the word that everyone who wants a ride home has one (without my Dad’s explicit permission–but I knew that was OK). My dad and I spent well over an hour giving teens rides home. My mother ripped into me when she found out about how bad the party had become. My mom and dad had a rip roaring fight later about this.)

- Accuse your good teen of doing drugs without cause. (Example: mistake a small piece of dried fern for pot. If you have a cat and your good teen has catnip, mistake catnip for pot. Hold onto the offending piece of plant material and regularly threaten to take it to the police and have it tested.)

- Fail to take prompt action if your teen appears to be using street drugs, abusing alcohol or abusing prescription drugs.

- Fail to take prompt action when a sibling is teasing/abusing family pets.

- Don’t have a lock on the bathroom door. Enter the bathroom while your teen is in the tub, or shaving and use the toilet. Allow siblings to do the same.

-Yell at your teen for going to a party that had turned bad and doing the right thing–leaving.

- Treat your child as your personal servant/slave. (Don’t get up out of your chair to get a drink when you’re watching TV–always ask your child to do that.)

- Talk trash about your teen’s other parent.

- You’ve had a bad day and have had a fight with your child’s other parent. Yell at the child for every conceivable slight.

- Permit siblings to verbally, sexually or physically abuse each other. Allow younger siblings to tease, taunt or provoke older siblings and punish the older siblings for responding.

- Talk to your child or teen as if he/she was your therapist or marriage counselor.

- Don’t allow your child to quit extra-curricular activities, ever. Nudge your child every day starting at least two weeks before sign-up, at least once every hour you’re with him/her, trying to ‘convince’ your reluctant child to continue. Do not take NO for an answer. After all, you wanted to do that activity when you were that age, so your child should like to do that activity as well.

- Be an obnoxious, “Little League” parent. Lavish your child with praise when he or she does well and totally ignore your child when he or she has a bad outing. Be a bad sport. Be rude to the coach and referees/officials. Coach your kid from the stands, and be very loud and obnoxious about it.

- Live vicariously through your child.

- Insist on proofreading ALL your child’s homework assignments, and be hyper critical.

- Treat your teen as if he/she was an unwanted houseguest.

- Refuse to take seriously problems your child tries to bring to your attention–especially health problems. Take your child to a quack. Continue to have your child treated by a quack long after you realize that the practitioner is No Good.

- Give your older child vitamins and medications without telling the child what it’s for. Refuse to take your child’s complaints about medication side effects seriously.

Parents who behave this way not only run the risk of having a disrespectful teen, they run the risk that their child, now an adult, will have absolutely nothing to do with them. I’m talking from experience here.