Comments on: True Sharing Can’t Be Taught

By: Erika

Erika — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 20:37:10 +0000

I really loved the sentiment of this article and yet would also like to hear about some tools parents can use. When my child (now 4 years old) wants a toy that someone else is using I say, “She/he is not ready to share that with you, perhaps if we ask in a few minutes he/she will be ready”, and we move on. If he is sad or cries I just repeat myself and at this age he is usually okay with waiting.

Sometimes the other parent will intervene and demand that their child share which is disheartening to me and I just tell that parent that my son can wait. Oftentimes, especially when we are at the park playing among other children we don’t know, the other child with the toy will come over to my son soon thereafter and give it to him on their own!

In the reverse situation, when another child wants something from my son, I say the same thing to that child whether we know the other child or not and I say, “My son isn’t ready to share that toy yet, you can try asking again in a little while”. I think it’s really important to honor the development of both children in these situations. I thank API for providing the articles and resources on this subject before I even knew all the politics that playgrounds had in store for us!

And, in reference to Maria who commented earlier, asserting oneself does not mean taking something out of someone’s hands, it means using one’s words to ask for what one wants and that is something you can teach your daughter. By telling her to not take or grab a toy you are teaching her good socialization skills and there is no harm in that!

By: Molly MacDonald

Molly MacDonald — Sat, 22 Sep 2012 00:25:14 +0000

This was a lovely article. We have limited our interventions to giving language options. Giving them phrases for asking for a toy, refusing to give it up, asking for a turn when they’re done etc. the only rule we have is “don’t grab!”. Oh, and at the park, i just talk to the other kids snd let them know how it rolls. If parents get involved saying things like “oh thats ok, honey share your toy with that littke boy”, i say something aljbv the lines of “oh, thats not necessary, hes allowed to say no, oliver knows how to wait his turn until your son is finished with it”. Good luck other moms!

By: Maria

Maria — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 19:34:35 +0000

So, how do we go about our child taking away something that is used by another child or not used, but not theirs? To me, these are aspects of sharing as well.
I find it difficult to think about my daughter taking away toys from children – specifically in daycare. The attitude and opinion is that children have to learn to assert themselves, but I don’t think that taking away a toy someone else is using will do that.
The daycare my daughter is attending is not aware of the AP concept as far as I know (and I have little hope they will treat my daughter “differently”). However, I wanna make sure that I make the best of AP with her when she’s with me and that includes making sure she knows that taking other children’s toys or not sharing is not right and certainly NOT asserting herself.
Will I go wrong if I tell her not to take toys from other kids just to counteract the idea she gets from daycare?

By: Jessie

Jessie — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 02:15:31 +0000

Nice sentiment, but it doesn’t help me in the moment when my 3 year old literally throttles the 1 year old for touching her toys. What do I do for the next two years!? I wish you had discussed helping kids navigate through the practicalities of playdates, siblings, etc.

By: Lacey

Lacey — Thu, 20 Sep 2012 18:39:57 +0000

Very well said, thank you! I also think caring and subsequent sharing is something children can learn when their parents model the same behavior towards others

By: Molly

Molly — Thu, 20 Sep 2012 17:50:11 +0000

Any ideas from people about what to do in situations with other kids and parents who aren’t on this same page about not teaching sharing? Do you intervene when other kids want a toy your child has? Or when another parent asks their kids to share with yours? Do you speak to the other parent, the other child, or both?

By: Jessica

Jessica — Thu, 20 Sep 2012 17:45:57 +0000

Wonderful article. Thank you.