Comments on: When Relatives Criticize

By: Danielle

Danielle — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 06:34:59 +0000

Very reassuring Deborah. Thank you.

By: Reilly810

Reilly810 — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 19:42:57 +0000

The happier you are with your own choices the less you care about what others think of them.

And when you realize the real reason the grandmother in the highlighted conversation is upset because she wants her grandson to spend the night with her, you can clearly see that the mother shouldn’t worry that the grandmother thinks she is ruining her son. She’s not worried about that at all, she’s mainly upset because her vision of grand parenthood has been derailed. And that is pretty selfish if that vision comes before the health of the child in question.

By: Debra

Debra — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 18:24:33 +0000

Thank you for such a thoughtful and thought provoking article. “Model assertiveness balanced with by honouring diversity, so your children can have inclusive and nurturing relationships while staying authentic with their own values” – such a gem.

By: Deborah

Deborah — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 16:36:17 +0000

Forty odd years ago I had a mil who was concerned about my attachment parenting of her grandchild. Told me things like “You can’t…” “You’ll turn him into…” every time she saw that I was following my own instincts in raising him. I did the smiling and nodding thing because I was young and didn’t want to argue. Thirty-some years later, when she was on her deathbed, she praised my mothering skills and told me how wonderfully my kids had grown up. I did the smiling and nodding thing again, this time because I knew she was right this time.

By: Gina Penka

Gina Penka — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 15:58:09 +0000

What a nice demonstration of nonviolent communication put to use of nonviolent parents. The model of validating the other’s viewpoint, not taking the opinions of others personally, and continuing to act in the way of doing one’s best is the way Gandhi and MLK changed countries and a very effective way of nurturing the relationship of new parents with their parents at a time when new boundaries are being born. Thank you for this article!

By: Erika

Erika — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 13:34:18 +0000

soory, the comment was for EVA, not for JEAN

By: Erika

Erika — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 13:33:35 +0000

@Jean
I do not agree at all to what you say about the mother in law.
First because normally you do not marry a person because you think he or she is perfect. You marry beacuse you love him or her, despite his or her flaws. And maybe you do not want your child to have some of these flaws…
Second, there are some men (and women), that become fine adults DESPITE their mothers or fathers, and for instance my husband is one of them. For sure I do not want to listen to my mother in law that cheated on her husband all her life and literally abandooned my husband when he was 13 years old…

By: Bridget

Bridget — Fri, 16 Nov 2012 10:34:58 +0000

I have a grandmother that is hugely critical and judgmental of our parenting decisions (including APA recommended SIDS risk reduction methods, breastfeeding, not letting an 8 week old cry it out at night, the name we chose for our son, etc.) and frankly I neither care about her opinion nor want to hear it.

My theory is that my raising my child differently than she raised hers causes her to feel criticized and judged herself — as if to say her way isn’t good enough for me.

I’d love some advice on how to get her to stop speaking her mind about such matters (she can think what she wants but I don’t have to hear it). I don’t want to cut her out of my life or anything, but it does grate on our nerves and causes us to want to spend less time with her which I’m sure isn’t what she wants.

By: Jean

Jean — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 22:25:08 +0000

I think the conversation is ok. It is important to listen and respond without discussing your Parenting choices elaborately, especially if they are routinely harassing you about it. Parents need their emotional energy for connecting with their children and need support in dealing with draining family drama. Also be grateful if grandparents are involved my Parents are not involved in our family because they don’t seem to value my family and are not attached to me as their adult child. Even if they are a nuisance be grateful that they care enough to have drama with you.

By: Eva

Eva — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 13:01:01 +0000

I agree that it is hard to say now how it is going to be four years later. I do understand that people try to find some safe and reliable ways to raise their children. However, I do not really see the reason for a “new wave” in parenting. If you act out of love and respect, you can hardly go wrong. It does not need a whole elaborated theory or any know-how. Nor you need to pronounce yourself a proud follower of any of it. Just feel what is good for your baby. No theory will raise your child but you will. You, the father of the baby, your family, friends, teachers. They all will play a very important part in your precious one’s life. API theory of raising children without respecting or involving other members of the family does not seem right to me. Why would you think that what the loving grandparent has to say is not to be heard, or taken in consideration?? Moreover, unlike you, she already HAD RISEN a child. There is a living proof of her MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. It is your own husband. And since you’ve married him, it seems to me that you considered him to be a fine man. Maybe it would make more sense to listen to her and find out how SHE did it to make him so perfect that you decided to marry him. I am not saying that you should follow her blindly but I would listen and CONSIDER what she and her husband got to say. If you do not give an ear to others, you will unfortunately become a blind follower of API or some other theory which is not giving much credit to your own thinking….The demo sounds totally fabricated, taken out of reality, ineffective and with all the respect to “New API thinking” pure rude. It does not give a tiny credit to your MIL for her life experience. It is far away from “door opening”. It may actually strip your baby from having full blown loving grandparents and get him a couple of old unsure people scared to death to say something because they may not get to see their grandchild if they do not behave! I am sorry, I wished I’d be wrong!