“Talk to Me First” by Deborah Roffman. I recently heard Ms. Roffman speak on the topic. She is direct and matter-of-fact about this important topics and similarly urges parents to establish an open dialogue with their children as early as possible. She also offers detailed and age-specific advice about what to what, how and when to communicate about various topics.

You are right. If you are present with your children (there could be other people they ask) and they don’t ask anyone, no rush. However, many children ask earlier than age seven, not later.

I teach to respond when the child asks, and my experience of thousands of parents who call for my guidance or attend my workshops is that questions occur based on exposure. If you are pregnant and have a three-year-old, she will ask the next question and it is best to simply answer and explain intercourse with a benign and joyful attitude. For the child it is the same as saying, “at night we close our eyes.” The child has no frame of reference to distinguish intercourse as a problem. In some tribes children watch sex as part of life. If we don’t create an atmosphere of secrecy around it, they think nothing of it. My youngest caught us once; he closed the door and went back to play. Later I asked him, “Did you see us mate?” (He already knew about intercourse so there was nothing to it) and he said “Yes” with not an ounce of problematic emotion.

Other “exposures” can be friends and relative talking, watching a birth, having a neighbor who is pregnant or has a baby, an animal who gives birth etc. I gave birth at home and my older children were always present at each birth and we talked and saw illustrations about intercourse before the birth (ages three and four.) My sons are young adults now and sexually healthy and with admirable moral values.

If you find yourself hesitating, read this article again to gain some ease and maybe do some work on yourself in terms of attitudes to bodies and sexuality. We are all still the result of the Victorian era and have to heal so we can protect our children’s healthy sexuality.

Warmly,
Naomi Aldort
Author, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

I agree. I was expecting there to be support for the “outlandish,” statement that ” by age 7 at the latest, they need to know about intercourse.” I fully support being open (in a simple manner,” with children when they ask questions, as well as always reinforcing family values and beliefs, however, 7 does seem early to me for learning about sex. I would be interested in hearing another side?

1. “Bring it up before the ‘ooh-gross!’ factor kicks in. When they are young, they are just very open and not grossed out.”

2. They should hear about it from you first, not from little Tommy on the playground. “What’s important is that discussions about intercourse are family-oriented. Other people shouldn’t talk to them about sex.” But other people will, so you should shape their perception of those conversations.

3. This should be an evolving life long conversation not a one time Big Talk. “Start now to turn one weighty talk into a dialogue for life.”

My seven year old shrugged his shoulders and said, “Oh.” Now nine, he’d react very differently if this was new information.

If you feel uncomfortable, you may be trying to go into too much detail. Get one of books to walk you through the conversation.