Progressive Parenting: Inspired Thinking or Parental Neglect?
By Chaley-Ann Scott, parenting consultant, www.progressiveparenting.org
Being a parent in today’s world has become more about the destination rather than the journey. It’s goal-orientated: Collecting our parenting gold stars from how our children perform. It’s conditional on them behaving “correctly.” It’s about getting our babies to sleep through the night, getting toddlers out of nappies, stopping tantrums, enforcing manners, making sure homework gets done, getting kids into college.
Apparently, when we hold our newborn in our arms, we know nothing and the voices of society know everything. We should listen to them. Not our instincts. Not our babies. Not our children. Not ourselves. Our culture has reached the point where mother doesn’t know best.
Societal Pressure
There always seems to be a debate going on in the parenting world with the introduction of the latest fancy strategy that demonstrates a new and devious way to trick our children into conformity. The advice is never to trust our instincts and trust our children, but rather to fight against them. Regardless of the style we adopt, there is a common belief system that underpins our parenting. That is, that in order for our children to fit into society, they need to be taught by us from almost the moment they arrive in this world that they can’t have what they want from us, so they learn that we are in control – not them.
In our culture, “good” parents have control over their kids, and “bad” parents don’t. In order to be a good parent, we need to suppress our natural instincts and ignore what our children are telling us.
Attachment
It is near impossible to parent naturally when we are constantly encouraged to teach our babies and children that they can’t have what they want. They can’t have free access to our breasts. They can’t have constant closeness. They can’t have unlimited access to us. They can’t be helped to sleep. They can’t be held, or rocked, or suckled, or patted, or stroked whenever they like. They have to learn.
They have to learn that being manipulative will not get them their own way. As they get older, they can’t eat what they want, when they want. They can’t watch what they want. They can’t sleep when and where they want. They can’t dress how they want. They can’t play with what they want. Virtually, every aspect of their life is controlled by us “for their own good,” and this is considered good parenting. Babies and children are viewed as manipulative, foolish, demanding, and hedonistic by nature. Our role is clear: We are to suppress our call to parent the way nature intended and be conditional in our parenting – encouraging separatism and control from a very early age.
Carrots or Sticks
To achieve this level of control, we parents need to pick our weapons of choice – carrots or sticks. If we don’t smack, enforce rules and consequences, or use positive reinforcement, we are told that our children will be wild and unruly and make bad choices. This view that children are not to be trusted and are naturally bad and foolish is rarely challenged, yet it simply isn’t true.
More than 70 years ago, psychologist Carl Rogers argued that simply loving our children wasn’t enough; we have to love them unconditionally, for who they are, not for what they do. Yet, parenting experts of today commonly tell us to dangle the carrot of affection when they’re good and withhold when they’re not.
Dr. Phil McGraw argues that what children need or enjoy should be offered sparingly, and turned into rewards to be doled out or withheld so they behave. He claims that it is important to understand what your child’s currency is, and that the most powerful of all is the parents’ acceptance and approval.
Likewise, Jo Frost of Supernanny fame argues that the ultimate reward for a child is praise, love, and attention and that these should be held back when a child behaves badly until that child has said sorry, at which point the love should be turned back on.
We may love our children unconditionally, but we aren’t raising them that way. The message our children receive loud and clear is that we love them only when they please us. However, conditional parenting isn’t limited to old-school authoritarians. Those of us who wouldn’t dream of smacking choose instead to discipline our young children by forcibly isolating them (timeout) and rewarding them only when they do something we decide is good. These behavior modification methods were first devised to train dogs and now we are using them on our young.
But children, just like adults, don’t need sticks or carrots to learn what is good behavior – they are naturally motivated to do so when their parent acts as their partner, not their adversary. Rogers warned us all those years ago that the primary message of all types of conditional parenting is that children must earn a parent’s love. He says this will ultimately result in children searching for unconditional acceptance elsewhere because they didn’t get it when it counted.
Modern research studies support this view. In 2004, Edward L. Deci, a leading American expert on the psychology of motivation, asked more than 100 college students whether the love they had received from their parents had seemed to depend on whether they “had succeeded in school, practiced hard for sports, been considerate toward others, or suppressed emotions like anger and fear.” The results were disturbing. The young adults who had received conditional approval were indeed somewhat more likely to act as the parent wanted, but compliance came at a grave cost:
- These children tended to resent and dislike their parents.
- They were apt to say that the way they acted was often due more to pressure than to “a real sense of choice.”
In other words, they weren’t intrinsically motivated to behave the way they did. Moreover, their happiness after succeeding at something was usually very short-lived, lasting only as long as the praise and approval was given to them. Even if we succeed in making our children obey us, is this worth the possible long-term psychological harm? What of the damage to our child, to our relationship with them, to ourselves? What counts is how things look from the perspective of our children — do they feel just as loved when they mess up or fall short? Or do they feel that they are always doing the wrong thing?
Children are not stupid, and they react to conditional love or control just as adults do – with disdain, with rebellion, with submission, with pain. No one responds well to control and manipulation, and children are no different. They rebel in all manner of ways, yet we continue to do it. Creating an ugly battle zone in millions of households rather than the peace we all strive for, we have been duped into believing conditional parenting is a necessary evil in order for our children to become fully-functioning adults. We are doing it for them.
Bestselling author Amy Chua, the “tiger mother,” reinforces this view so strongly in her book that parents are beginning to doubt whether they are strict enough. Heralded by some as a visionary, she advocates controlling every aspect of her children’s lives and enforcing humiliating punishments if they don’t conform to her ideals. Sure, her children are high achievers but at what cost? She suggests those who don’t follow her philosophy are weak and doing their children a grave disservice.
Self-Esteem
All these ways to change our children is encouraging parenting from the head rather than the heart, which ignores the real needs of our children and our own innate needs as humans to parent naturally and instinctively. It is causing untold damage to us, our growing children, and society. You may think that you don’t control your babies and children, but do you dictate what they eat, what they wear, what they watch, where they sleep, what they play with, what they say, what their interests are? Was your baby always responded to and given whatever they wanted, day and night? Do you “find the yes” for your child, or are you always saying no? What effect do you think this level of control has on your relationship with them?
If your partner treated you this way for their own convenience or to pass on your family values, do you think it would damage your relationship? So many of us follow common parenting practices, because we have an underlying belief that if we didn’t, our children would be unhealthy, get hurt, or grow up to be a delinquent. This philosophy is fear-based, whereas the parenting philosophy I’m advocating is based on trust and being fully present to guide our children. We have all been socialized into believing that children have to be parented with control; otherwise, bad things will happen because children don’t know what’s good for them.
Trusting children is something our culture doesn’t even consider, let alone recommend, but with gentle guidance, children simply don’t end up unruly monsters. Children are still learning and figuring out their world, and to do that, they don’t need their requests denied and to be punished when they make mistakes; they need guidance and feedback. They need information and support. They need patience. They need to be listened to, validated, and respected. They need a supporter rather than a dictator, an ally not an adversary. A wingman. A partner. A friend. They need doors opened to them, rather than closed. They need a guide, not a policeman. They need a shepherdess.
Our children will learn everything they need to be a fully functioning adult by modeling us and by receiving our gentle guidance and support. Just in the same way you would guide a friend around a place they were unfamiliar with – with respect and kindness. Our children will speak in a gentle tone if they hear people speaking kindly to them and to others. They are likely to keep things neat, when they are ready, if they have experienced others’ commitment to their surroundings. They will learn to share from being shared with and from being respected when they are not ready to share. They will learn manners by receiving and observing social etiquette. They will learn empathy and trust and patience from receiving it.
The fields of sociology, anthropology, child psychology, neurology, and psycho-history all support this view and tell us that our children need freedom, respect, and a voice. Sadly, for a parent to treat their child’s voice as equal to their own is rare.
The parenting philosophy I’m describing is a complete reversal of the parenting wisdom millions have known and followed for decades. Re-evaluating opens the door to new insights, and this parenting philosophy is an evolutionary step in the right direction for our species.
Being a “progressive parent” requires patience, trust, and the ability to be able to put our children and our relationship with them before society’s expectations, as we will be swimming against the tide. We must respond to the unique needs of our children, because they are all different. We must begin the fight against centuries of socialization that has tried to suppress our instincts. The time has come to bring them back to the fore.
If we can allow our instincts and our children’s “voice” to be our driving force, and parent with total confidence, the voices of society will begin to drown out to an irrelevant whisper.
Loading ...
Quite simply, bravo !
Well said!
Beautifully written. I agree wholeheartedly.
What about our schooling system? Where is the respect and trust there?
Kathy
That is parenting at it’s best. In life, the need to control comes from a place of fear. The author is right, trusting the child to become what they want and need to become, is a challenge! We have a ‘gifted’ kid with ‘learning differences’, I always said to my husband that no one had better tell her she needs to be President, or cure cancer. Then someone told me, ‘She’s bound to cure cancer someday.’ How could I be mad? We are raised on cliches, particularly when parenting is concerned. We have to abandon our preconceived ideas of success and realize that for our little ones, success is them becoming what they want to be, and what we want them to be is pretty much beside the point.
I like this piece very much – with a few additions and comments. Children cannot grow if they do not feel safe, both physically and psychologically. This is the first condition for growth. Unconditional love gives them much of this, since they feel that someone is there for them no matter what, and at whatever age. But for young children especially, it is also imperative to let them know what the boundaries of that safety are. I call it my “padded room” theory. If they don’t know where the edges are of their acceptable behaviors, they also do not feel safe. Part of the guidance needs to be letting their children know where those gentle and padded walls are, so that they (the children) can explore right up to the limit of them safely, but they avoid the trauma of their own experience of out of control or the trauma of unsafe experiences coming from outside.
While this concept is inherent in the modeling and guidance part of the article, I feel it is important to point it out specifically so that folks understand that this style of parenting is not without structure. It is somewhat paradoxical, but what is required, and often challenging, is to hold that openness and unconditional love at the same time that a parent offers the safety of limits.
Conditions for growth is a favorite theme of mine, and I would love to develop this idea further. Check with Beyond the Brochure for a future piece that might flesh this out.
The post was very interesting, but I have a few issues with some of what was said, and would value input. I do believe that it is a part of life that you cannot have everything you want, and you certainly cannot have it always when you want it. That just is – it is a part of adult life and is true for children too. Whilst you may be able to give your first baby exactly what they desire, when they desire it, things change when number two comes along. It just is not possible to give both exactly what they desire when they desire it : case in point my 14 month old who will scream and cry herself into hysteria while I am making lunch for her and her sister and me, because she wants me to hold her. I cannot hold her her all the time, and lunch needs to be made, so yes, she needs to learn that Mommy cannot hold her all the time. It just isn’t possible. And yes, I get down to her level and explain to her and empathise with her, and accept her expression of displeasure, but ultimately yes she is learning that she cannot always have what she wants.
And yes, I do believe as a parent I should control what my children eat. I don’t believe that I should allow my children to make all their own choices and eat as much candy as they desire. That said, they never have to finish everything on their plate, and they do not have to eat anything they don’t like, but I do believe that if they don’t have room in their tummies for vegetables, they don’t have room for dessert either. Are you advocating that I should let them decide not to eat their veggies and only eat dessert instead?
I also believe that we need to prepare our children to live in society. If you want to live in society, you need to adhere to the rules of society…you cannot steal, you cannot hit etc. If I break the rules of society as an adult, I will get punished – speed on the freeway, and I’ll get a ticket etc. I do believe children need to learn that they need to obey the rules. My children are welcome to question the rules (which I believe everybody should do), and I try to always explain why, but sometimes they just need to follow the rules – like not running into the street.
This is the best parenting article I’ve read in the 18 months I’ve been a parent. Cheers to progressive parenting. I shared this with all of my mom friends.
Quite often, what makes parenthood challenging/overwhelming is the feeling that as parents we need to control our children “for their own good”. This is partly due to the fear of being judged as “bad parents” and the belief that if we do not our children will grow up to be demanding, irresponsible, wild, egocentric, hedonistic, or deemed unfit to live in society. Adults in general also have a tendency to either underestimate or overestimate children’s developmental needs and their ability to absorb, process and retain information. Many also believe that children can only learn the “hard way”. Well, the good news are that learning can be without tears, without fear, without guilt, without coercion, etc.
Progressive parenting – which some may also be described as attachment parenting or natural parenting or parenting by heart -, is all about preparing our children to live in society; helping them to realize and understand that we all have needs; helping them to understand, express and fulfil those needs without harming others; working with them as equal partners and allies to ensure that everyone’s needs are met by finding win-win solutions; empowering them to make choices that will enable them to cultivate and maintain a balanced physical and psycho-spiritual health.
As promoted by progressive/attachment/natural parenting style, I truly believe (and my son proves it to me every single day) that all this can be done through unconditional love, gentle and compassionate guidance, and also very importantly, by example (modelling) – and I am a firm believer that teaching by example is the only way. I also think that when parents feel that they “have to control” and that their children “have to learn”, they are putting tremendous pressure on themselves and on their children. As parents, I believe we should trust that our children will develop and mature at their own pace and in their own time. We should trust our children and their ability to learn. We should trust ourselves, and our ability to guide them. By doing so, our children will learn to trust us and feel safe. They will respect us because they will feel respected.
One thing that parents should always keep in mind, which may help, is that once they were children too and to some extent they still are children. Children with more life and world experience (and lots of responsibilities !!!). Just like children, we are continuously learning new things, including how to ‘better’ manage our emotions (and sometimes we still have what some call “tantrums”), develop and maintain a healthy lifestyle, live in an ever-fast-changing society, etc. And it is not always easy, and it can take us some time despite our “life expertise”. Children are no different except that their developmental needs (physical, motor, cognitive, social) are different from those of adults. Hence the importance of parents taking the time to learn about what their children can or cannot do, absorb, process, etc depending on their age. Another thing that may help is remembering to ask ourselves: how would that make me feel? Chances are that our children would feel exactly the same…
To Tarryn:
Hi there!
Regarding the concrete issues you raised and examples you gave, I wanted to share some hopefully helpful and constructive thoughts:
I do agree that sometimes, one does need to be patient as getting what one wants may take longer than expected. However, the idea that “you cannot have everything you want” is, I believe, debatable. But that is another debate.
It is true that the greater the family, the more challenging it can become to meet everyone’s needs especially given that we all have different needs and we all would like to have our needs met immediately. This is especially true with children who, as I mentioned in a previous comment, have no/little experience in managing their feelings and whose developmental needs (physical, motor, cognitive, social) are different from those of adults. They, therefore, require “learning approaches” that are congruent with their abilities to absorb, process, and retain information.
With regard to your 14-month-old baby, it may be that she needs to feel more included during lunch preparation. You could try to have her to participate in the preparation such as helping to mix/add ingredients… It can be fun and a wonderful learning experience at all levels. If in a hurry, you could try wearing her in a wrap or sling (on your back so that you can be hands-free ;o). If baby-wearing is not an option, maybe you could take the opportunity for encouraging sibling-bonding in the kitchen (such as setting a safe corner where both could play with some safe kitchen tools). Other alternatives could be to spend plenty of playtime together just before making lunch or prepare lunch the night before so that you only have to warm it the following day… These are only a few thoughts. It is all about finding what works best for the three of you.
As for candy, I must confess that I am almost 34 years old and still find that sometimes I have room in my tummy for dessert even when I feel like I am about to explode!!! lol… With food being such an emotional experience (we do not only eat for survival), I think it is important to explain to our children the reasons why eating too much of anything in general, and candies in particular, is unhealthy so that they can make healthier choices based on understanding. It does not mean that they will not want to eat candy, but it may help them to manage a “no” or “no more than one” much better. Having children to participate in food preparation is a very effective way, I find, to help establish healthy eating habits. The opportunity can be taken to talk about the different vegetables being prepared, the different delicious recipes that can be made, why they are so good, etc. You will be surprised how children can become the strongest advocates of healthy eating/living when they know and understand the reasons behind a “no”. Here again, teaching by example is paramount! So rather than controlling what our children eat, it is about informing, guiding and empowering so that they can make healthy choices on their own (and trust that they will). Give them plenty of healthy choices: dessert does not necessarily mean candies.
As for learning to live in society, again, unconditional love, gentle and compassionate guidance, and leading/teaching by example are the perfect “tools” for that! I remember that when I was a little girl, nothing could irritate me more than hearing “you do this because I said so” or “because you just have to” or “because that’s they way it is”. Those reasons for me just did not make sense and were not valid reasons. I needed to know why exactly. I needed options.
One of my mottos is what Ghandi once said: “Be the change you want to see in the world”. Everyday, I try to be what I want my son to become, and treat him the way I would like to be treated and wish he to learn to be with others. There is no better way, I believe, to teach our children to live in society and be leaders and creators of change. I also believe that when children (and anyone for that matter) feel that their needs are being met, they do not feel the need to ‘break the rules’. And it all starts at home. The first society you learn to live in is within your family!
All the best and looking forward to hearing what you and others think.
By the way, when I say “teaching” it should be understood as guiding, informing… as opposed to a “teacher-student” relationship between parents and children, it is about establishing a partnership in learning where parents are more like “facilitators”.