What To Do When You Crave a “Mommy Time-Out”
Chaley-Ann Scott, sociologist and counselor, author of The Shepherdess: A Guide to Mothering Without Control, www.asktheshepherdess.com
You have had four hours sleep, the house looks like you’ve been burgled, the kids are screaming at each other, and the baby has colic. We have all been there, and it’s not pretty. You feel overwhelmed, under-appreciated and, let’s be honest, RESENTFUL. You want—no CRAVE—time away. Time to recharge, time to be yourself, time to not feel like a raving lunatic mommy, for just a short while. You have fantasies about reading a book in peace, wearing a pretty dress (minus the stains), or having an uninterrupted conversation over a long, calm, adults-only lunch. This isn’t a good head-space to be in. It can feel so imprisoning, yet we all feel it at one time or another.
What are we encouraged to do about it? Modern parenting advice tells us to seek out, and actually insist on, that “Mommy Me-Time” away from our kids. We are told it is vital for us (it helps us to recharge and have interests outside of motherhood) and important for our babies and young children (they learn to be independent from us). But is it really such a good thing all around, and does it even work?
In my opinion, it is NO to both. What I have learned from my own experience as a mother of four, and as a parenting counselor working with many mothers in this situation, is that grappling for time apart from our kids often leads to more frustration and upset all around. It rarely recharges us enough, as promised, to feel better when we come back, and we are stuck in a vicious circle of craving more and more (and feeling frustrated when we can’t get it).
Children typically react in various negative ways to our absence, from protesting wildly when we leave to being very clingy or challenging when we return. Why is this? Because when they are young, children only want to be once place—by our side. By the time kids reach puberty, certainly they’ll be able to understand other people have needs, too. But if they reach puberty experiencing that the way to meet needs is by ignoring someone else’s, that is how they’ll treat others.
Expecting to make time for oneself with multiple young children is an unreasonable expectation. It may be possible if the children have a strong attachment to someone else, but in most cases they just want mom! I understand that moments away have value, but the more we hold on for time away—for an hour, just an hour, to ourselves—the less we enjoy our moments with our kids. Getting a “time-out”, even for an hour, may help in the moment, but it sure won’t fix it. It is like sticking a Band-Aid over a severed limb.
So what can we do to retain our sanity? Switching gears, from needing a “Mommy Time-Out” to refuel to being able to refuel by being even more present with our kids, is a much more practical solution. The fact is when our children are young, learning how to be contented, to be happy, and to get joy from being with them is pretty pivotal. But how can we make this shift in consciousness when we are at our wits’ end?
Ironically enough, what really does help is to do the exact opposite of what we feel we need in the moment. Rather than run for the hills, actually get down to their level and really be with them. Bring them food, play a game, sing, chat, dance, read, tickle, run around outside—whatever helps you to reconnect. It sounds trite, but remembering to savor those moments and reminding ourselves that loving our children right now is something we really want is so important. It is something we chose, and many people aren’t lucky enough to have what we do. That’s the kind of voice to add in and listen to any moment we feel frustrated and are getting wrapped up in the hassle of parenting. Rather than focus on changing them or getting away, we can focus on changing our perspective. Not once and for all forever—that’s too overwhelming—but a small step, just right now.
Does this approach really work? Many of the mothers I work with say it helps enormously. When my oldest child was small, I honestly didn’t have these skills at first, as it just didn’t come naturally. In fact, it was excruciating. I loved being a mommy, but as an avid reader I craved stretches of time to do that, and I HATED being interrupted. I kicked and screamed, mentally. I wanted my brain back. However, once I started to step away from the expectation that I should have stretches of time to myself, I found I could snatch little moments throughout the day that helped me recharge—a deep breath, reading an email, looking at the sky—while completely accepting that I could and would be interrupted. I also got into the habit of relishing those moments, no matter how small, as well as appreciating being able to really play with my kids and reminding myself they wouldn’t always need me this much. It took practice for sure, but the rewards were immense. It just takes mindfulness and courage to ignore the rest of society, which actively encourages us to push our children away at the earliest opportunity, and start pulling them closer to us—even when it might be the last thing in the world we feel like doing at that moment.
From API’s Eight Principles of Parenting
Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/balance.php
Striving for Balance involves ensuring that everyone’s needs— not just the child’s— are recognized, validated, and met to the greatest extent possible. In an ideal world, every family member’s needs are met all the time, everyone is happy and healthy, and the family is perfectly in balance. In the real world, nobody’s family life is perfectly balanced all the time. It is not unusual for parents to feel out of balance at times. Parents who practice AP continuously look for creative ways to find balance in their personal and family life.
You may find the following balance-related resources from API helpful:
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/parentingtopics/lifewithbabybalance.php
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/parentingtopics/familylifebalance.php
- TheAttachedFamily.com
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Absolutely! Well said. I discovered this when I started letting my kids help me cook. A little chaotic and messy, yes, but worth it as I got to mesh something I have to do with getting eye to them and having a great time–and feeling refreshed in the end! I pray that moms will hear you.
This article gives me so much peace! I need to re-read it every day! As a first time mom who waited to have a baby until i was in my 30′s, I have been amazed that, after all the pressure to have kids, and all the questions about when we were going to try, that after we DID have a baby, the pressure to go back to “normal” and the way we were before we had him has been even more intense! Its like our society thinks our lives are like the sit-coms we see on TV where everyone is SOOOO excited and transfixed by the woman’s pregnancy and birth (don’t even get me started on the warped view of childbirth on Television) but as soon as the baby arrives, it suddenly magically dissapears and the parents go back to going to the bar/coffeehouse/club and they all carry on like the baby never even happened. I CHOSE to have a baby. I KNEW it would change my life forever. If I didn’t accept that fact, then I shouldn’t have had a baby in the first place! Our society glamourizes and puts pregnant women on a pedastel, but if she changes as a mother it doesn’t seem to be ok, especially if she chooses to put her children’s needs ahead of her own, which, in turn, inconvieniences the other adults around her or threatens the other Mothers she knows because her choices suddenly become a commentary for them on their own style of parenting. I am quickly learning to choose my son, to do what feels right for us, and get support from people I genuinely trust when I’m needing a Mommy time out. Thank you for helping me contine to choose my son. He deserves it. I created him. He never asked to be here!
Well said, Meghan. I love this article. What a great reminder. I teach piano lessons from home a few afternoons a week with my toddler at my side… so I know a great deal about interruption.
I’ve been doing it since he was 6 months old, though, so we the kids are all used to him and he is used to them. He plays in the adjoining room or at my feet, or he sits on my lap or nurses occasionally. The families are all friends of ours and are very understanding and most of the kids I teach have other siblings who are waiting their turn, so they also play with my son while I’m teaching, now that he’s almost 2. Reminding myself that my kid is simply part of the package deal helps me create a relaxed and calm atmosphere and the students do get quite a lot of work done in their lessons. I have never in a year and a half had a single issue with a child or parent in my studio over my son being there while I teach. I think the attitude you project as a mother will rub off on your child. If I am content in being present with him he is more content to entertain himself and to play peacefully. But if I keep thinking about is how I’m not going to that yoga class, I just want to read, I need to practice the piano, I want to knit something unitnerrupted, etc. etc. then he becomes more demanding and clingy!
Wow. What a terrible article. I’m shocked it was even published. Of course you need mommy time but that does not mean you are ignoring your kid’s needs. It means you leave them in good hands, like with their dad, and you grocery shopping alone. Or take a slightly longer hot shower. Is this seriously saying you should never ever ever leave our children ever until they graduate? Good grief. You teach your kids that your needs are important as well and when they are grown they can be parents that take care of themselves as well as their kids. I don’t know anyone who has ever cared more alone time after getting some. Usually we all come running back after a much needed breather.
A very interesting article. As an AP mom of two, I know the feeling very well and get to points where all I want to do is run, when I feel that staying would be a lot worse. I am not sure that getting down to their level at such a time will calm me down. I rather feel that I might hurt my children (and yes, I have sought help for that and am having counselling). I still don’t believe that the idea of time away from your children is the answer, but 24/7 over months can’t be right either. I wish I could not get the mega-touch-out, but it happens, and I am sure many will know exactly what I’m talking about. If our children see us resenting the time we spend with them, why shouldn’t they in turn choose controlling parenting when their time comes? I have been true to my path as much as I could for five years. I have turned counsellors down because they suggested I needed more time away, when I thought it must be possible to cope exactly for the reasons you describe (fall out making it even worse). BUt finding the balance for yourself is crucial, and I can’t say I’ve found it.
I love being a mom and I can’t think of anything that would be more fun. I also love my little time outs. I enjoy having a quiet hour or two a couple times a week to sip coffee, read, hide in the bedroom and play games on my iPod or go out with my girlfriends. I am fortunate enough to have a partner that takes his role of dad very seriously as well. So I think we get the best of both worlds. Time to parent and time to be parents on a break. I don’t think it’s an unrealistic expectation. If you think you’re going to come back from a break and not be immediately back in the groove of cooking, cleaning, playing and momming it, then THAT is unrealistic; but I think it’s great to enjoy the quiet space too.
If you can’t change the situation, change your perspective. That’s a poorly remembered quote from last year’s family calendar. Thank you so much for bringing that message to parenting. I never settled into my time at home with my first because of an overriding feeling that I should be elsewhere or doing more. My time at home with my second was bliss because I had a different attitude and most days (most of the time) I was able to go deeper. One thousand times thank you.
What a fabulous article! And bravo Megan…I feel like you’re writing my story, too. Very well said regarding priorities……love the way you talk about choosing your son. That’s really what it is, right?? Choosing our baby over so many other things, so many times each day. Also, its encouraging to know I’m not the only one….you know, its a very uncommon thing these days…..choosing baby over anything and everything else, including career and money.
Loved your article, it’s hardy was taking time for myself while my husband is with my 4YO after all she needs to connect with him, now I realize I shouldn’t. Yes the society can wait, I’m a little addicted to social networking and I’m currently finding it hard to stop myself, as my first priority is my daughter. I have stopped logging int Facebook’ but that’s not ow it should be. I don’t get much time to read and rest, the chores are never ending, especially the cleaning and organizing. Being a mo is definitely not an easy job, inspire of planning, I lose my time. Could you suggest me an article that would help.
I love this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
When my daughter was a baby, I was told repeatedly to get away from her, go do something for myself, refresh and recharge by myself, get my “me time”…blah blah blah. I hated that “advice” so much because I didn’t WANT to get away from her. It felt wrong to me. How sad for a child to grow up believing that they make mommy so irritable that mommy needs to leave them in order to feel better. We have to stop being so selfish as a society and focus on our children.
I love it, I get it, but it’s way too “all or nothing”. I don’t think i need mommy guilt over going, once a week, to run errands and talk to a friend (in an office setting, not child friendly) and being able to separate myself a little to get a more realistic perspective on what needs done and where we are as a family. I always come running back, happily,to open arms and then we all talk about what we did for those few hours. My husband also let’s me take long bubble baths when i need them. When Mom is happy, the whole family is happy. It doesn’t mean i leave to be happy, but when i don’t leave for weeks at a time….I’m not happy.
How wonderful! Have never seen advice like this before, but it is always what I have practiced, and felt unsupported and alone in my assertion that “wanting to get away from the kids” was a sad and negative attitude. Thank you for this.
I like the author’s ideas for recharging while at home, but I DO feel better after an hour once a week by myself. I am with my five children 24 hours a day seven days a week (we homeschool) so a little time to myself is healthy and necessary. Since I practice attachment parenting, I wouldn’t want to leave for large chunks of time often. Also, the baby often comes with me on my time out each week. However, I am a better parent when I have a little time to myself. I think this is totally compatible with attachment parenting.
I was disappointed with this article. On on hand, I do agree our time with our children is precious and that a change of our perspective may help us to enjoy that time with them more and to not feel so burnt out. However, I think that every mom needs to figure out what self-care looks like for themselves. This article, as one write said above, gives us the “all or nothing” argument. I felt, as a read it, that in order to healthy attachment to my children, I should never leave them at all. I learned, with my daughter (who is now 7), that this attitude was detrimental to our whole family. Never having sufficient breaks from my daughter made me even more drained emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Plus I realized that I was not role modeling for her healthy self-care. There are times when an hour nap or an uninterrupted conversation with my friend over coffee or lunch help to fill my cup in a way that allows me to give back to my children. I think its important for every person to figure out what they need to do to take care of themselves and that can mean everything from taking ten minutes while our kids are playing to check emails or texts, or deciding to go back to work part time, or having a date with our spouse, or many other options… and we can still have a healthy and secure attachment with our children and be happy ourselves.
Agree with Melissa-too all or nothing. I think back to when I had bad post partum depression with my daughter and had I read this back then, I would have been crushed with guilt. It is such wonderful advice for our day to day, stay-at-home mommy times-because children are absolutely the reason we stay home!! And I love it and savor every day in some way! Wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. And I will definitely use this advice for those tough moments during the day. But I absolutely also will not feel guilty for an evening out with my husband, because it strengthens our marriage…or a thrift store run and coffee with a girlfriend now and then because I refuse to isolate myself from friendships. We were made for relationships beyond just that of our children, no matter how important they are to me. Without making time for these other relationships, I think my being a good mommy everyday suffers. I adore my children and they know it. Thank you for the advice I can take away from your article. I respect your opinion and advice.
Yep.
I’m now 59 yrs old. My youngest of the 5 is turning 22.
Don’t take offense, but I once read that “Insanity is inherited. You get it from your kids.”
I agree with Melissa – this article isn’t about snatches of time to do errands, or having a considerate time where your husband is with the children. It’s about thinking the solution to the stress has got to be in breaking away and having “me” time. It’s about rearranging your “me” time and finding it in an “us” time. And allowing the child in yourself to surface in giggles… to let go (with the help of the “experts”).
Thank you for this article, and for introducing us to this author! This reaffirmed what I had come to realize in the midst of our “baby survival years” raising twins and another child (only 14 months older), and continue to practice in parenting. In the beginning, I kept asking myself how I could possibly “do both” parent and care for my self. And, as always, once the question was asked, the answer, and the realization came – be present.
When focusing on the present, you ARE taking care of the self. Random “alone times” throughout the day will naturally occure even for brief 15 minutes to an hour or so while parenting. Being present allows one to recognize these moments of opportunities and take them when they are presented to us.
[...] being a parent, being responsible for these little beings, caring and attending to all their needs, being present moment to [...]
I like the article for the most part. I think people stress the “me-time” thing too much, especially those who are not parents themselves! I found myself getting very frustrated with all the pressure for me-time, when there surely wasn’t any (for the most part)! I found that when I accepted that there was no me-time to look forward to, I was happier! I enjoyed my kids more!
However, I do find the article to be a little guilt-provoking. I don’t thik its a vicious cycle where i’m “craving more and more” like some kind of drug addict. Because, no, I don’t find my kids that revolting, lol. Also, I am positive that there are things pretty much required to keep us healthy, such as exercise, that you have to get away from your child for. Or a hobby. For the longest, I’ve had nothing interesting about me outside m work or kids. If you asked me what was new, it would be about work or my kids. I do feel that it is important to have something that is just about you a couple of times a week.
I understand there are “mommy and me” yoga or fitness classes, and so thats great for the families that works for. but me, after having a bladder prolapse, intensely need yoga and prefer to do it sans kids.
Thanks!!! I love spending time with my little guy (who is almost 15 months old) and I’ve chosen more debt over going back to work, but I really do struggle sometines (well, often actually!) with the need for alone time. “Freedom” is what I miss most about my pre baby life. And yet I LOVE my life with him and I do tend to spend lots of time playing with him like you suggested. It’s a very interesting perspective to actively play in moments when you want break. I see where the mindfulness bit works here. Can’t wait to try it out! Thanks again!
I took on the point of view that I hear in this article when I had my first child. I was so shocked by what looked, to me, like neglect when I saw very young children left with babysitters so their mom could go out and socialize. I bent over backwards to bring my daughter with me everywhere. I wore her constantly. And it got wearing. I did become resentful and lost the joy of mothering in my responsibilities. I now advocate for more balance. I’ve found that when I start my day with personal practices like yoga, journaling, and meditation I am a MUCH better mother throughout the day. I can’t be my best mothering self (or friend, business owner or partner) unless I take time to recharge and reorient myself. Too much in the direction of ‘me time’ doesn’t work. Too much in the direction of ‘children all the time’ doesn’t work. Balance is trickier but a lot more rewarding.
I love this too. Love it. I wish people would stop looking for their lives to go back the way they were before they had children, and enjoy every moment they have with their children. What you wrote in the article is exactly the way I feel, it was a gift to see it and read it. Kelley, love your comment too.
Shifting our focus from ‘i just have to get out of here/get a break’ (scarcity mentality… Looking at time as being limited/scarce) to acceptance of the present and embracing the moment with our children is very effective and a wonderful lesson for each of us.
And, we also have responsibilities other than parenting, like providing food/a roof/etc.
I believe parenting ‘truths’ can be applied to any parent in any culture whether mother or father and while I see the kernels of wisdom here, I reject this idea as parenting truth.
Balance is essential. Parents can practice healthy attachment parenting a set boundaries which enable them to take care of ALL parenting responsibilities while supporting the attachment of children to respectful, responsible, loving adults. Thus, ‘it takes a village’.
Whether it be a parent who has to work away from kids sometimes to keep a roof over their head (because our nations idea of going into debt to parent is unhealthy and unsustainable) or the nurturance of a parents soul be it meditation, yoga, a solo summit, etc children can be healthfully attached to whomever is responsible for them at the time.
It’s called attachment parenting, not attachment mothering. It’s for ALL to put into practice, not just privileged stay at home moms who have a partner to foot the bills.
Our children need loving presence and connection with their parentS and community.
Yes, too all or nothing. It is good advice if you don’t have the option of having a break but for me having my husband take over for a while gives him time with our baby, my baby time with him, and allows me to come back refreshed. My son is not upset by this but happy when I come back after an hour of exercise, a shower, reading etc. I can’t imagine it is good advice for someone who feels overwhelmed unless again, they are currently without the option of a break. Then embracing the moment is a great idea. I think the main problem with this advice is that it ignores individual differences in people’s temperaments and could make someone feel guilty and or inferior in addition to overwhelmed. I think in the Sears attachment parenting books they recommend mommy breaks and for good reason. I also think on traditional cultures relatives would be around for short breaks for mom. I think the spirit of the article is great, but it is not nuanced enough. Things may be that absolute for the author but not for everyone else.
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Wow! As Mom of a 2 year-old this concept has dawned on me in in the form of “it only makes it worse when my time is over.” Sometimes we simply “loose our groove” and it is the re-connection that resolves the desire for a “Mommy time out.” There isn’t a single person in my life that gets it. Thank you for verbalizing it so well.
This article was a breath of relief. I do often have moments of craving that ‘me’ time, but it exists as a wish I don’t really want to fulfill. I don’t express it because I hear from people in my life all the time about how I’m supposed to go away and take time for myself, as if I can’t do both things (being a mama and also taking care of myself) at the same time. I already have to work full time, and those are hours away from her that, while overflowing with productivity, are ones I’d ultimately rather spend with her. I don’t wish to waste any others away from her. I am so aware that in a few short months or years my girl will decide she’s more interested in other people and other places, and I’ll long for these days. I’ve learned to be so efficient that one day, I’ll have more ‘me’ time than I could ever know what to do with. I find there’s nothing more healing, more fulfilling, more satisfying to all my needs than a hug from her. I am grateful to read something that affirms that I’m not crazy, that I can choose what feels right for me – and that I’m not alone in that choice.
Thanks for all your comments everyone. I just wanted to clarify some important points. I am not advocating ignoring your own needs ahead of your children’s. I do think it is good for a mother to put her own needs behind her children’s but not ignore them completely. I really, however, do not think the two have to be at odds ie mom’s needs vs child’s needs. That is adversarial. ‘Us’ and ‘Them’. It doesn’t have to be that way, but to see that one has to do the work inside themselves. It’s a mind-shift. Taking care of yourself can be done right with your children, and even with little ones there are lots and lots of opportunities to snatch a moment to yourself if that is what you need. Some people here have said it isn’t healthy to not have time away from your kids – to exercise, meet friends, read. I think this is hyperbole. If you enjoy being exerting physical energy there is plenty of opportunity to do that with kids. Want to socialize? Again, plenty of opportunities for that with young kids. Read? Bit trickier, but in small snatches of time it can be done. When children know that you want to be with them, you aren’t craving time away, and you are fully present then time with them becomes far more joyful. Chaley.
[...] of the moms on a list serve I subscribe to sent this article, wondering what others thought of it. This list serve is an “alternative” parenting [...]
[...] then I ran across this crazy article and I was like whoa. The thesis? Mommy “me-time” is an unreasonable expectation for [...]