Tag Archives: bedtime

Power Games for a Joyful Bedtime

By Naomi Aldort, author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, www.AuthenticParent.com

Editor’s Note: The author invites us to consider a different perspective on children’s behavior. You may wish to read this in conjunction with API’s Balance Principle and many other articles on children and sleep available at API’s website and TheAttachedFamily.com. As always, we encourage you to trust your own wisdom and find what works best for you and your family.

Photo: David Castillo Domenici
Photo: David Castillo Domenici

Q: Why can’t my children go to bed and go to sleep? It takes us a couple of hours to put them in bed. They run away from putting pajamas on, and again they escape when we try to brush their teeth. It is such a struggle every night; they just don’t cooperate. Is there a better way?

A: Most parents go through the same exhausting and frustrating process you describe so well in your question. This can be both difficult and painfully disconnecting. You wish to tuck your children in bed with love and a calm heart, and instead you end up feeling frustrated and exhausted.

It is human and natural to want to stop the running child and get her to bed, but it actually thwarts her efforts to get ready for a good night’s sleep. Some parents tame their children to obey them, creating disconnection and not attending to the child’s emotional needs. From your question, it is obvious that you don’t want to dominate but to have your children go to sleep of their own free will and in response to your aware and loving leadership.

Any time we fight against the need or nature of a child, even with the best of intentions, we cause hardship and disconnection, especially if the children obey against their own inner voice. Instead of struggling to stop or control the child, we want to find ways to understand the child’s valid need and, when possible and safe, respond to it. The goal is not to control but to flow with the child’s real needs. Such care creates cooperation without coercion or domination.

The Wisdom of Power Games

Before being able to sleep, children may need to unleash the stress and energy of the day. If we consistently suppress that need, the child can develop emotional and behavioral difficulties. A child is eager to be independent, yet she often experiences feeling helpless–told what to do, unable to drive, buckled up in a car, unable to reach places or do things for herself, and overall excruciatingly dependent. At the end of the day, giving her yet another experience of someone else being in charge of her body may result in emotional harm and the kind of struggle you describe in your question. The child wants to unleash this stress before she can relax into dreamland. Though routine and structure are important for some children, they can be adjusted with sensitivity to meet a child’s needs for freedom and choice. Including power games can be part of the routine–a healing and joyful part.

Children running at bedtime are doing exactly that: unleashing energy and stress. I have coined this type of healing play “power games” because it is a way for the child to regain a sense of power and autonomy and undo some of the experience of being small and helpless. This responsive play has nothing to do with winning or having power over anyone. Instead, the parent plays the role of a loving play-therapist, meeting a need and creating a routine of healing games that prepare the child for sleep.

A child’s drive to run away at bedtime is healthy and deserving of care. I suggest you include it in the bedtime routine. Children initiate power games with their parents all the time, and parents tend to thwart most of them (by saying “stop”), not realizing the value of the game. In your example, your children start a power game by running away from the pajamas. I describe other types of power games in my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.

It is wonderful that they love playing with you; it shows their wisdom and their trust of you. When you demand a smooth ride, on your terms, from the bathroom to bed, you disconnect yourself from reality and lose sight of what is actually needed. Indeed, when you don’t recognize the child’s need, you actually lose the ability to be the parent, the leader. Your choice is between a time of struggle or a time of playful and nurturing connection. Being a leader means knowing how to steer the ship in the direction of the stream.

Other Options

I can hear some parents say, “But I don’t want to. I want a quiet bedtime and a quick one.” What I suggest will give you a more peaceful, respectful and enjoyable bedtime in which you will not feel helpless because you will be in charge as a wise healer. If your child needs to unleash energy or stress through play, your desire for a quick bedtime causes you stress because it opposes the child’s real need that has to be met. Some children go to sleep with a story and a hug, while some children need an energetic game before going to bed. In addition, a child who needs power games one night may not need them the next night. The goal is not consistency in what we do but consistency in being loving, aware and responsive.

There are things you can do to increase the chance for a quicker or calmer bedtime:

1. You can respond playfully to power games earlier in the day. You can find more about how to play a variety of power games in my book.

2. You can minimize screen time and sitting and allow plenty of outdoor rigorous activity in daylight.

3. For health benefits and for better sleep, feed your children healthful and nourishing foods. A wholesome diet helps children sleep better, go to bed calmer, learn better and be more focused and peaceful. In my practice, I have found that eating carbohydrate, including fruit, in the evening may interfere with a child’s ability to fall asleep. You may wish to try offering protein-rich foods instead.

Power games during the day may lessen their need at bedtime, but they do not guarantee an adult-like bedtime scenario. If a child played power games in the afternoon and later experiences helplessness or sitting, he may need more release through power games and running before he is ready to sleep. It is a real need that should not be denied or suppressed. In addition, your anxious desire to put your children to bed ignites their desire to oppose you as a therapy game. Learning to enjoy the children is much easier and more beneficial than taming them to go against their healthy and needed direction. In fact, suppressing their needs often causes bedtime to take longer and leaves the children stressed and with unresolved emotional needs.

How to Play Bedtime Power Games

You may enjoy your bedtime with the children more if you flow with their invitation for play. Learn what your children need by observing them. If you are not a physical person, it may give you the exercise you need, or you can ask your spouse to chase them. Falling in love with reality can bring peace to bedtime with your children.

In a power game, your goal is not to change what the children do but to empower the game by offering pretend dramatic opposition, such as, “Oh no, they ran away again,” while you chase them over and over again. When you catch a child, bring her back to the bedroom while you huff and puff in “exhaustion” and declare, “I am going to hold you better this time. Oh, I hope … (in exasperation), I hope she doesn’t slip away again … ” Then pretend a desperate attempt to hold on as you put the pajamas on while allowing the next escape with a dramatic, “Oh no!” and a chase.

A true leader is a transparent one. Steer without controlling by making sure to let the children decide when to end the game, or else the healing is cancelled by your being in the position of power.

Transforming Ourselves

When we recognize the rightness of what the child is doing, we can provide for it without resistance, and the child then goes to sleep with ease. In contrast, when we resist, we become impatient and frustrated, and we tend to try to control instead of steer with wisdom. The child is not the cause of our frustration; our opposing thoughts and wants are. You may find peace and freedom in working on yourself to learn to enjoy the bedtime play rather than trying to change your children’s wise and healthy preparation for sleep. You may miss this time in their childhood all too soon.

Power Games at Our House

In our home the words “Lets go to bed” often came from the children. They recognized their own tiredness because we never went against their inner voice, and they loved bedtime because it was so much fun. Needless to say, they fell asleep easily and were always sound sleepers. Sharing our family’s bedtime routine is not as an answer for an “only” way but a window into one peaceful possibility that demonstrates the spirit of what I am suggesting.

The invitation to go to bed, regardless whom it came from, became the beginning of a joyful routine.The children often ran to the music corner and started playing the piano, drumming and dancing. Oh, how we loved that part of our routine. My husband and I would sit around to watch and marvel their creativity. When they thought it was a good idea to go to bed, they went to the kitchen for a snack. Food, laughter, clean up … we were all in the kitchen cherishing our daily tradition.

Next came the pajamas and teeth brushing, and yes, you guessed it, just like your children ours ran away, inviting a chase. We accepted the invitation, or I should say, my husband did. He would chase them to the end of the house, pretend to barely manage to catch them, and then bring them back to the bathroom, out of breath and saying repeatedly, “Oh, I hope they don’t run away again.” And of course, soon enough I would hear the playful dramatic declaration, “Oh no! They ran away again.” As the little ones passed by me with their father in tow, I could only wish that this joy would never end. I often joined at this point, wanting my part in the game. We never initiated the end of the game because that would have destroyed the sense of power the children were experiencing. It would have caused struggle and cancelled the healing.

Once the children had enough, they would get ready for bed eagerly and quickly. Of course once in bed, there were 20 minutes or so of heavenly joy: climbing on Daddy, snuggling, singing, laughing, rolling … These were some of the best hours of my life. In fact, if I could replay the best moments, bedtime with the children would be my very first choice.

 

Set Kids Up for Success in School

By Bill Corbett, author of the Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids book series and the founder and president of Cooperative Kids, www.CooperativeKids.com

Whether you’re reading this before your children start school or after they have started, the following guide can help you implement habits that support your child during the school year.1132275_33114655 blackboard

1. Adjust Summertime Leniencies. As school approaches or starts, set up a family meeting to discuss the rules that will change at home: bedtimes, homework, TV time, removing entertainment electronics from bedrooms, having to turn in social media devices, and friend sleepover rules  Allow your child to voice her concerns over these changes, negotiate until agreements are reached, adopt the policies, and implement them on a specified date. It’s also a good idea to document the changes and post them where all can see them as a reminder of what everyone has agreed to.

2. School Supply Shopping. Sit down with your children and determine together what supplies they are going to need for the coming school year. Take your younger children shopping and let them be in charge as they retrieve all the items on the list. Give them a set amount of money to spend to accommodate all that’s on the list. You’re the guide and the coach, so remain calm if extra items make their way into the basket. Allow your children to pay for the items at the checkout and carry the bags to the car.

3. The Work Space at Home. Collaborate with your children as to where homework will be done.  You can take turns coming up with the ideas, and if the kids suggest unreasonable locations—such as in front of the TV—allow them to be placed on the list at first. Go back through to review the list and remove any locations that are not agreeable to both of you. Collaborating with your children is a way of helping them feel respected and learn problem-solving skills, but you’re still responsible for setting healthy boundaries. Set up the space that was decided on, and help your children organize the supplies that were purchased at the store.

4. The Homework Schedule. Each child is different when it comes to doing homework, so this next exercise will require patience. Help your children individually determine when they feel that they are best able to work on homework. Some children can do it as soon as they get home, and others need a break before starting it. Coach each child into establishing his own schedule, make it clear and defined, and then document it. Your job will be to help reinforce what is decided.

5. Control of Entertainment and Distractions. If you have never previously done what I’m about to suggest, announcing it to your children could be a challenge, so remain calm and be patient. I strongly encourage you to announce a rule that any and all entertainment electronics and handheld social media devices are to remain off or be turned in to the parents during the established homework times. This new rule should be in effect on school days (Monday through Thursday), even when there is no homework, and during weekend homework time. Removing the temptation to check electronic devices during homework time can help children focus attention on the tasks at hand. I have heard many stories from parents who did not implement this rule and had their children come home after school reporting they had no homework, only to suddenly and mysteriously remember a homework assignment later that night at bedtime.

6. The Bedtime Schedule. It is not your responsibility to get your children to fall asleep. That must happen naturally, and your children are more in charge of that than you are. Your job is to create an environment and an atmosphere that is conducive to your children getting sleepy and eventually falling asleep. You can define when bedtime will occur, ensure that it happens, and remove all distractions from their bedrooms, such as video games, televisions, cell phones and computers.

7. Nutrition. Many children (and adults!) find it hard to choose broccoli over candy bars. This is where you come in as a parent. You can ensure that your children have healthy foods to eat and control and minimize the least healthy foods when possible. This means making sure that your children have healthy dinners at night and nutritious foods available to them for breakfast and in packed lunches. I have seen many families where the family dinner experience is gone and everyone fends for themselves. Even if you are not always able to eat together, you can make sure that healthy foods are available for family members to choose from.

8. Being Available. I have heard from many parents who face challenges that make it hard to implement these suggestions: single parents who work long or evening hours, families in which both parents work in another city and don’t get home before 7 p.m., families with multiple after school activities that make it hard to be home and enforce a set schedule for dinner, etc. Do the best you can to be available to ensure that agreements are upheld and, more importantly, to provide help with homework and other assistance whenever necessary. They can’t do it on their own and need you to coach and guide them.

 

A Lullaby Massage Riddle

By Sybil L. Hart, PhD, author of Lullaby Massage

Who would be the last parent to get voted off the island? Would our champ be the one able to take a pair of toddlers camping and return with both still smiling? Or, would she or he be the one able to bake a birthday cake that is a perfect replica of Spider-Man or Cinderella? My vote goes to the one who can take bedtime and make it the highlight of the day, even for the most challenging toddler.

It’s no secret that for some children, bedtime is enormously problematic, and for their parents, tackling it represents the Mount Everest of parenthood. Part of the difficulty finding a solution stems from the fact that bedtime problems arise for a wide variety of reasons. Some children are fearful of the dark, being alone, being abandoned, or all the fun they’ll miss if they’re asleep. Others are tightly wound up, either physically or emotionally, but have no strategy for unwinding. Some fall into both categories, and some are just unfathomable and fall into none. With so many different kinds of causes, it’s not surprising that there are so many different kinds of solutions, and so many floundering efforts to figure out why something that worked yesterday doesn’t seem to work today.

Nevertheless, certain kinds of treatments are so compelling, they work even though we don’t exactly know why. Of course, breastfeeding comes to mind. As nursing mothers the world over know, breastfeeding works for a whole variety of reasons. But most importantly, it works, period. What many Western mothers do not know, though our Eastern sisters have known for centuries, is that massage works, too.

When I developed lullaby massage, it was with the aim of making bedtime beautiful, easy, and fun, not only for children but parents as well, even Western parents who may not be familiar with massage. The technique involves strokes for different parts of the body that children (and all of us) find relaxing, and each type of stroke goes together with a poem. So, with each soft stroke that a child feels, she also receives the sound of her parent’s voice. Some of the words offer humor, others convey warmth and reassurances of love, and underneath it all, there is a message telling parents how to conduct the massage. See if you can figure out how to do the finger massage done to the words:

Five little tubes of toothpaste
Squeeze bottom to top
Then screw on the cap
Don’t waste a drop.