All posts by The Attached Family

Sydney Rose’s Birthday

By Kyle Mills

Few things in life are as intense, painful, scary, and mind-blowing as the birth of your child, but I would say that excitement is probably what most people remember feeling when thinking back to the day their child came into the world. At least, that’s how it was for me and my husband when I had our daughter, Sydney Rose.

I remember beginning to feel some strong contractions around 3:30 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon. I was putting some groceries away when they started, and by 6:00 p.m., they still hadn’t let up. We considered going to the hospital, but I didn’t think the timing was close enough and I didn’t want to be turned away. Besides, we had never attended a childbirth class, and we hadn’t even watched the Lamaze video we’d gotten. After dinner, we took a walk, and then settled in to attempt the video before heading to the hospital, all the while keeping a close eye on my contractions, which were getting worse by the half hour. Finally at 9:00 p.m., I said we should head to the hospital because I was definitely in more pain, the timing patterns were right on — anywhere from five to eight minutes — and I wanted to get checked before it got too late in case they were to send me back home.

We checked in around 9:30 p.m. and were told I was one centimeter dilated — one measly centimeter! They were going to monitor my contractions and check me again in an hour, and if I’d progressed another centimeter in that time, they would admit me. An hour later, I had not progressed, and although they could see my contractions were close together and acknowledged I was in active labor, it was their standard procedure to send people home and tell them to come back when the contractions were three to five minutes apart. By the time I walked in the front door of my house, my contractions were definitely closer to the three-minute mark, but I refused to get back in the car until I could barely stand it. After all, checking in, getting in a gown, waiting until the doctor can see you, getting checked, and lying around for an hour — just to be sent home — can take a lot out of an uncomfortable, nine-month pregnant woman. So I got in bed, and basically writhed in pain for five and a half hours, with minute-apart contractions until, at 4:30 a.m., I decided I was getting in the shower and then going back to the hospital. Continue reading

Staying in Control when Things are Out of Control

By Shoshana Hayman, director of the Life Center/Israel Center for Attachment Parenting, http://lifecenter.org.il

“When I’m calm, I have no trouble responding patiently, but the problem is that my child’s tantrums jangle my nerves and I lose control of myself!”

I hear parents say this over and over again. They might be talking about their five-year-old son who is whining because he wants them to buy him the toy he sees on the shelf in the store, their 10-year-old son who is complaining because he claims it was his brother who made the mess that he now has to clean, or their 15-year-old daughter who criticizes the family rules. Parents often feel stretched to the limits of their patience because of these daily minor confrontations.

“I just want to get the job done and get on with things!” But trying to find a quick solution usually prolongs these conflicts, and getting angry spoils the atmosphere as well as the relationship.

Seeing the child in a different way can help parents stay calm when their children are not. When parent and child are together, their brains do a dance! The parent can lead the child to a state of calm, rather than the child leading the parent to agitated confrontation. In each of the scenarios mentioned and in many others like them, the child is feeling frustration, one of our most primitive emotions. He is confronted with something he cannot have, a reality he doesn’t agree with, a situation he wants to change. When children are frustrated, it is normal for them to have temper tantrums, bite, kick, hit,  throw things, slam doors, yell, or talk back. They have not yet developed the ability to adapt quickly to the given circumstances. Their brains have not yet reached a level of development that helps them think of their options and choose their responses maturely. These are processes that take years to come into full fruition.

The most important role and perhaps the greatest challenge of parents is to believe in and support the processes which bring out the finest human qualities: caring, patience, thoughtfulness, courage, flexibility, self-control, adaptability, and responsibility. One of the ways parents can fulfill this role is to remain calm when the child is not. It helps to remember that children cannot yet control their impulses to hold on to their demands or to behave aggressively. When the parent remains calm, patient, compassionate, warm, and loving, the child then feels safe, that someone is in charge, and that his parent can handle his out-of-control behavior.  The child can then come to rest and begin to see a different reality.

Parents can see themselves as a safe haven as they accompany their children through the maze of getting from their feelings of frustration and anger to their feelings of disappointment, sadness, and coming to terms with what they cannot change. Perhaps this perspective will help parents remain calm and in control when their children are not.

Breastfeeding after ‘Almost’ Weaning

By Naomi Aldort, author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, www.naomialdort.com

Q: My two-year-old had almost completely weaned himself a few months ago. Then I got laid off from work and he began nursing all over again. Now he demands to nurse every two to four hours and will hold on to my boob saying he “doesn’t want it to fly away.” I put a limit of nursing at nap time and bedtime, but I’m not sure if he will re-wean himself. And, I’d really like to resolve his apparent fear that they are going away, or to somehow find a way for him to console himself with something other than the breasts.

A: This is a sweet misunderstanding between you and your son. He didn’t almost wean himself, and his fear that “they will fly away” is valid; he is sensing your intent to take breastfeeding away from him. Continue reading

School-Age Children and the Family Bed

By Judy Arnall, author of Discipline without Distress, www.professionalparenting.ca

“But you don’t have to sleep alone!” Kyle protests to his mom when she suggests he sleeps in his own room. Family bedrooms are increasingly becoming common in Western societies, thanks to the Attachment Parenting movement that recognizes that babies and toddlers are not developmentally ready to sleep on their own for the first few years of life. However, Kyle is seven years old.  The prevalence of family bedrooms among families with school-age children has not been studied, let alone talked, but the trend is growing.

Many children, especially those that don’t have siblings to snuggle in with, continue to sleep in the same bedroom as their parents, well into the school-aged years. Many families do not admit that they sleep with their children. The fear of being investigated by child welfare authorities is the biggest barrier against discussing this practice. So the practice occurs quite often, but is not openly admitted. As a society, we accept family bedrooms for motels rooms, visiting at relatives, camping, and vacations but not for everyday use in a society that values independence at all cost. Still, parents persist. “We cosleep because it’s a cultural choice. My husband is Vietnamese and I am Canadian, and we have decided that it’s what works best for our family. Back in Vietnam my husband’s sisters still sleep with their mother, and my husbands’ brother and father also share a room. The younger ones are all in their 20s and it is not illegal or abnormal or culturally odd like it is here,” says Cheryl, mom of two children.

How does a family bedroom work? Two hundred years ago, before the invention of central heating, most of the family slept in the same room if not the same beds. Fast forward to the 21st century, where bedrooms now have the square footage size of the average 1950s house, the family bedroom can easily accommodate two king-size mattresses on the floor or several beds in the same room.

Not everyone agrees with the concept of a family sharing sleep in the same room. Barbara Evans, a parent educator from Beaumont, Texas USA, worries about the parent’s need for privacy and intimacy.  “My concerns are that, as parents, our job is to raise healthy, loving and lovable, independent children. Not to the exclusion of depriving them of nurturing and cuddling, but this may be the first place to start learning about boundaries and self-care.”

Why do families choose a family bedroom? No separation anxiety issues and no bedtime battles is the biggest reason. For an increasingly separated family where both parents might work out of home full-time and children are away at school, it is comforting and enjoyable to cuddle together at the end of a busy day. “The best thing about having the kids there with us is the emotional bond we have with them. We love the time upstairs to talk in bed, read, write, or just watch TV together. There’s no separation between us and we don’t send our kids away at night to be alone unless they want to,” says Ally, mom of three children. They have a big master bed for the parents and two mattresses on the floor on either side of the master bed for the children.

What age should family bedrooms stop? Children naturally develop the desire for more privacy at puberty and tend to want their own room and sleeping space by age 13.  This occurs naturally whether they sleep alone, or share a bedroom with siblings or with parents.

Most experts agree that the rules are simple. Generally, all members of the family must wear night clothes. Whoever doesn’t like the arrangement and says “no” should have their wishes honored whether they are the parent or the child. The parents might enjoy the closeness, but if their eight-year-old son wants his own room, that should be respected. And of course, couple sexual intimacy must take place in another room.

Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau once said, “The government has no business in the bedrooms of the nation.” And for many families, that rings truer than ever.

Tips to Dealing with Acting-Out Behavior

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

Earlier this year, I attended a day session put on by the Appelbaum Training Institute in Omaha, Nebraska USA. The purpose of this session was to train childcare providers, but it gave some great tips for parents, too, in dealing with acting-out behavior from their toddlers and preschoolers:

Be Proactive

  • Stay calm — It’s important to QTIP (Quit Taking It Personal). Children act out for a variety of reasons, but it’s not because they dislike you. It’s because they’re frustrated, tired, not feeling well, hungry, or have another unfulfilled need.
  • Create a positive atmosphere – Children feed off of negative vibes. If you’re feeling stressed, they pick up on that and start acting out how you feel, which of course only perpetuates how you act, and the cycle goes round and round. This tip also applies to the physical atmosphere — children love bright colors and light and fun shapes and music. Decorate your house in your child’s artwork and provide plenty of opportunity for them to get involved in activities. I have a dresser filled with activities, from coloring to puzzles to ink stamps to sun-catcher kits.
  • Give compliments throughout the day — Make sure these are genuine and not conditional, so they’re not confused with a reward-based discipline system.
  • Speak in a quiet voice — We don’t need to shout to make our children hear us. They actually listen more when spoken to in a soft, respectful voice. Try whispering when you really want them to listen. Continue reading

The Link between Breastfeeding and Mental Health

By Kathleen Mitchell-Askar, Pregnancy & Birth and Feeding Editor for The Attached Family

A study published in the April 2010 issue of The Journal of Pediatrics by The Western Australian Pregnancy Cohort (Raine) Study suggests that breastfeeding may have a positive effect on children’s and adolescents’ mental health. A paper that appeared in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry listed children’s mental health as one of the six priority areas in need of attention to improve the health and development of children and adolescents across the globe. At a time when 10 to 20% of children worldwide suffer from emotional or behavioral problems, a possible solution as simple as breastfeeding is one that could prove both attainable and powerful.

For more than 50 years, breastfed babies have been shown to hold developmental and cognitive advantages over non-breastfed children. Some studies have even shown that breastfed infants are better able to cope with adverse stimuli with more control, and children who were breastfed as infants exhibited greater resilience against the stress and anxiety associated with parental separation and divorce. These previously published studies are limited, however, by their small, often nonrandom, samples.

The Australian study derives its strength from its large sample size, longitudinal nature, and excellent response fractions. From 1989 to 1992, the Western Australian Pregnancy Cohort enrolled 2,900 pregnant women during their second trimesters who went on to deliver at the major obstetric hospital in Perth. Researchers gathered data on both parents’ familial, social, economic, and demographic backgrounds, along with their medical and obstetric histories, and updated the data during the 34th gestational week. The newborns (both singletons and twins) were initially examined by a midwife or pediatrician at two days postpartum, and 2,868 live births were included in the study. These children were followed until age 14.

The study focused on the parent-report Child Behaviour Checklist (CBCL) as the outcome variable at the five-, eight-, ten-, and 14-year follow-ups. The two-year-old children were evaluated with a similar questionnaire, modified with appropriate sleep questions and other subtle differences relative to the age group. Parents completed the 118-item CBCL, which measures behavioral psychopathology in children according to eight syndrome constructs:

  • Withdrawn
  • Anxious/depressed
  • Somatic complaints
  • Social problems
  • Attention problems
  • Thought problems
  • Delinquent behavior
  • Aggressive behavior.

Withdrawn; anxious/depressed; and somatic complaints were grouped and scored as “internalizing problems.” Delinquent and aggressive behaviors were treated as “externalizing problems.” The results from the CBCL were converted into age/sex-appropriate scores. The higher the score, the more problematic the child’s mental health.

A little over half of all mothers in the study (52%) breastfed for six months or longer, and 11% never breastfed at all. Nineteen percent of the children were breastfed for less than three months, 19% for three to six months, 28% for six to 12 months, and 24% for 12 months or more. The study investigated the effects of exclusive breastfeeding but found it did not change the conclusions drawn from the data with “any” breastfeeding (breastfeeding with the addition of solid food).

The study’s findings point to a boon for breastfed children: The longer a baby fed at the breast, the lower the child’s score on the CBCL, and the trend continued through adolescence. The differences between breastfed and non-breastfed children were most distinct in the total and externalizing scores. Even after researchers controlled for such confounding factors as maternal age at birth, maternal education, maternal smoking, family structure (whether the biological father lived with the family), life stress events, and maternal postnatal depression — all of which have been linked with higher rates of mental health problems — shorter breastfeeding duration was “consistently associated with increased risks for mental health problems of clinical significance through childhood and into adolescence,” the study concludes.

Despite the promising findings on the effects of breastfeeding on mental health, whether the positive correlation was due to breastmilk itself or the maternal-child bond cultivated at the breast was unclear. It is known that the fatty acids and other bioactive components in breastmilk positively contribute to child development and health. The hormone leptin, also found in breastmilk, may reduce stress in infants through its effects on the hippocampus, hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and adrenal gland.

Breastfeeding mothers have also been shown to touch their babies and gaze into their eyes more often. Such stimulation has not been linked with better mental health in human studies yet, but the Australian researchers cite a study on rat pups, and those that received a greater amount of maternal contact were better able to cope with stress as adults.

According to the study, “Breastfeeding may also be an indicator of a secure attachment status, which is known to have a positive influence on the child’s psychological development into adulthood.”

Even though breastmilk is the healthiest first food for a child, if a mother cannot or chooses not to breastfeed, it is possible that the attachment between parent and child affects the child’s mental health more profoundly than does the food itself. By practicing Attachment Parenting, holding the baby close while bottle-feeding, and increasing the amount of touch through babywearing, the mother of a non-breastfed baby could give her child mental-health benefits similar to those enjoyed by a breastfed baby. Parents who give proper attention to their children and remain present with them, whether breastfeeding or not, will make their child feel cherished and have a positive effect on his or her self-esteem.

But, as the Western Australian Pregnancy Cohort (Raine) Study shows, “breastfeeding for a longer duration appears to have significant benefits for the onward mental health of the child into adolescence…Therefore, interventions aimed at increasing breastfeeding duration could be of long-term benefit for child and adolescent mental health.”

Stripping the Layers of Advice

By Carrie Kerr, Safe Sleep Editor for The Attached Family

My grandma was working on writing a book when I was a teenager. The subject was music. She never finished the manuscript, so I can’t be sure of the exact focus of her topic, but I do remember that she interviewed my brother and me on the theory behind Alternative Rock. I didn’t have all that much to offer; I just listened to what sounded good. But my brother, always the academic type, was quick to add his input. He said, “These bands have stripped away the unnecessary layers and gone back to the basics. They threw away the synthesizers, and all the extra bells and whistles, and have focused on the classic instruments of guitar, drums, and voice.” I don’t know if his explanation was accurate or not, but I was reminded of his comments recently as I came across a parenting message board from a fairly prestigious college in California, USA.

I had never visited the site before, and I was very interested to see how such an intellectual group of people addressed the parenting topic of sleep. The advice was fair. It was supportive, friendly, educated, and it was very much Attachment Parenting (AP). But as I read on, I became overwhelmed by the amount of input on the subject. I couldn’t help but think to myself, “All of this advice is over-the-top. What ever happened to intuition?”

Shortly thereafter, I started reading a book by Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Mate entitled Hold On to Your Kids. Interestingly enough, my thought process was affirmed early on in the “Note to the Reader.” It said, “The modern obsession with parenting as a set of skills to be followed along lines recommended by experts is, really, the result of lost intuitions and a lost relationship with children previous generations could take for granted.” Now, that being said, it is also human nature to discuss day-to-day joys and struggles with our friends, relatives, or experts. But, in considering how to best get our children to sleep, I’d like to bring intuition back into focus.

Intuition refers to the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. We all have intuition, but often our gifts for it are in differing domains. For instance, some people may have great intuition when it comes to safety or emergencies, whereas other people lack common sense or tend to panic. This can be seen in parenting as well. I have heard people say, “I’m not very maternal.” They probably mean that they don’t have a strong intuition for handling children. Strongly knit societies typically have had frameworks for helping develop this intuition in the younger generations. Modern-day societies are struggling with this. As a result, the door for random parenting advice is wide open.

AP is largely based on the idea that we do have instinctual parenting skills and, with the right support, we can reconnect with the behaviors of our ancestors. Our current culture has made that difficult. We don’t have, as Neufeld explains it, “attached cultures” in our society. Our communities are segregated by age groups, with large gaps often existing between the young and the old. Instead of gleaning the wisdom and experience of our elders, we look to our peers for advice. This habit carries the risk of becoming a circular, fruitless, and maybe even harmful experiment.

What if the way you parented your child at night was only between you and your child? What if you never had to tell the opinionated bystander if your baby did or did not sleep through the night; you never had to hear unsolicited advice from your best friend; you only had to do what felt right to you and your child? What if you threw away the message boards, threw away the parenting books, and didn’t have any baby gadgets? Then what would you do when you and your baby were tired?

When it comes down to it, the issue of sleep is largely based on individual child/parent needs. We need to be less concerned with following a superficial protocol and more concerned with thinking critically about our unique situations. Game plan or not, intuition will be the leader for meeting the spontaneous needs of your child. A parent always needs to be sensitive to the miraculous instincts that come with parenting — the unexplained start that wakes you up only to realize your child has a fever, or the let-down of milk just moments before your baby starts crying. To override that with advice that is outlined by current trends, even those we view as positive, can be counterproductive.

Sometimes, like too many synthesizers in a band, all of the nighttime parenting advice gets in the way of our inner voices. For just a moment, I suggest we stop layering ourselves with tips and strategies, stop reading, stop second-guessing. Perhaps all of the overanalyzing is what’s actually exhausting! Regardless of my advice to you, or someone else’s advice to me, it often comes down to personally testing the waters of our unique situations. It’s about listening to your child, his or her needs, and the reasonable, responsive inner voice that comes with the age-old occupation of parenting.

The Importance of Making Mistakes

By Kelly Bartlett, certified positive discipline educator and leader for Portland API, Oregon USA

So often, as parents, we try to prevent our kids from making mistakes. We issue warnings, reach out to help, or just do a job ourselves because we don’t want the hassle of fixing a mistake like a spill, fall, or ill-thought decision. But making mistakes is valuable and necessary for a child’s learning and development of self-confidence. How we handle mistakes can teach children that challenges are either threats to be avoided, or that they can be opportunities to learn and develop strong mastery skills.

A “rescuing” parent does just that: either rescues a child from a problem she has encountered, or anticipates a problem and prevents it from happening. For the sake of our children’s developing sense of self-efficacy, we do not want to do this. It may make our job easier for the moment if we complete a task ourselves, rather than give our child the job along with its accompanying opportunity to mess up. And we might also think our children will love us more for it; cleaning up their mistakes rather than turning the responsibility for repair around on them. But as Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It, says, “Parenting is neither an efficient profession nor a popularity contest.”

Aside from rescuing kids from their problems, washing our hands of them — that is, ridding ourselves of any involvement (which may or may not be accompanied by a healthy dose of berating) — is equally unhelpful. It sends the message that kids are incompetent and incapable, and that we are not there to help them when they make a mistake. Sometimes our children will get into a problem that is over their heads and, with our help, their mistakes will turn into incredible learning opportunities!

We need to be supportive and encouraging of our kids’ mistakes. We need to see mistakes for what they are: one more chance to boost self-confidence by allowing for critical thinking and problem solving.  What we need is not a balance between rescuing and washing our hands, but a third choice all together: focusing on solutions. When a mistake has been made, is it more important to look for blame or to figure out how to fix it? Instead of spouting off about carelessness, immaturity, or inconvenience (which are always the first exasperated thoughts that come to mind), try asking “What are we going to do about it? What can I do to help? What are you going to do? What are some options we could try?”

Though the steps involved in problem solving are not always fun for kids, the feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction in themselves that follows offers a big reward. Children begin to see problems as challenges to be mastered, not threats to be avoided.

Teaching kids practical life skills includes giving them opportunities to make mistakes. Though it can be tempting to rescue our kids from making any mistakes, it is more important to be able to explore the consequences of them. When a child has made a mistake, avoid the temptation to lecture, blame, or shame them. Rather, we can help our kids understand the situation by invoking their help in solving the problem. Instead of shrinking away from difficulty, kids will have confidence in themselves and learn that they can successfully tackle any obstacle throughout life.

State of the World’s Mothers: More Qualified Health Care Workers Needed Worldwide

By Kathleen Mitchell-Askar, pregnancy and birth editor

For women in our culture, pregnancy and childbirth represent a joyous time: enjoying a growing belly, fantasizing about how the baby will look, shopping for tiny layettes, and taking prenatal yoga classes. But for many women in developing countries, pregnancy and childbirth are risky and sometimes fatal for both mother and newborn.

Save the Children, a nonprofit organization that supports the health and well-being of children and families worldwide, released its “State of the World’s Mothers” report just before Mother’s Day 2010, and its findings indicate a critical need for qualified female health care workers to save the lives of mothers and children during the potentially dangerous times of pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period.

The report’s findings are alarming: Every year, nearly 9 million newborn babies and young children die before reaching five years of age. Nearly 350,000 women die from pregnancy or childbirth complications, and almost 1 million babies lose their lives during the birth process itself: These infants are stillborn, but were alive in the mother’s womb just minutes or hours before birth. Continue reading

The Third Step in Responding with Sensitivity

By Dottie Stone Coleman, MAT, MEd

Whatever their age, every interaction with our children — every word, every response, every look — has the potential to build up their self-confidence and self-esteem, or tear it down. Likewise, every behavior of our own in which we model self-confidence, respectful self-expression, and responsible self-care and self-advocacy has the power to encourage and build those kinds of behaviors in them. All eight of Attachment Parenting International’s Principles of Parenting contribute significantly to building self-confidence and empowerment in our children of every age. That said, let’s look at a few examples of Responding with Sensitivity — examples of beautiful parenting sure to promote the traits we so hope to see developing in our children.

Responding with sensitivity is usually done by active listening, or acknowledging feelings expressed by your children; and then affirming, or validating, those feelings. For example, “I know you’re upset because we can’t buy that toy today. I get frustrated, too, when I can’t afford something I want.”

But let’s consider that there may be a third step to responding sensitively, and that is, when possible, “eliciting or suggesting an action based on the feeling.”

For example, Owen, age five, wanted a new outfit for his toy dog. His mom told him they would not be buying anything else on that trip to the store, and Owen was upset. So, his mom asked him how he might earn some money to get what he wanted the next time they came to the mall. Owen had learned how to crochet at preschool, so he got busy making crochet chains of different lengths to be used as rings, bracelets, and necklaces. One day, Owen’s dad let him set up shop in an unused space in Dad’s office, and thanks to Dad’s generous co-workers, Owen earned enough selling his chains to buy the items he wanted! He was ecstatic, and so proud of himself.

On another occasion, Owen and his mom were leaving a restaurant on an extremely hot day and just ahead of them was a family of seven — a mom with six kids, two of them babies. Owen was worried because the family didn’t have a car. His mother told him they were probably walking to the bus station. Owen was sad about their situation and concerned about the little kids because of the heat. Soon nine people were crammed into mom’s minivan to give these folks a ride to the bus. They caught the bus they needed and avoided a 30-minute wait. Owen felt so good about helping them; he couldn’t stop talking about helping them catch their bus. What wonderful reinforcement of his compassion and for his self-confidence that Mom went out of her way to act on his concern! Of course, I’m sure she will also teach him that you can’t safely take into your car just anyone who seems to need help, but in the circumstances of that day, it was so empowering that she acted on his feelings.

Nick, also age 5, is a curious, deep thinker. After encountering the idea of black holes in space, he had many questions, like “What happens to the things that get sucked into a black hole?” His father acknowledged and affirmed his curiosity by saying, “That’s a really good question, Nick. I’m afraid I don’t know.”  But Dad didn’t stop there. Dad happens to have a friend who works with the particle accelerator at a nearby university. Dad arranged for Nick to talk to this friend, who did a great job of putting his answers in terms that Nick could understand. Again, a caveat: Obviously it’s not always possible to answer a five-year-old’s questions in terms they can comprehend. But, when we take their questions this seriously, it sends a message that their thoughts and their curiosity are important, and warrant following up on.

And one more example from Owen:  A visit to Grandma’s house overnight was marred at bedtime by the absence of Dino, Owen’s long-time sleeping companion, who had been accidentally left at home. Owen was very tired from a long day of exciting activities, and he was inconsolable because Dino wasn’t with him. Owen’s father and his grandmother listened actively, sympathized, and offered substitute loveys, all to no avail. Finally, Dad suggested that Owen phone Dino, make sure he was OK, and tell him he’d be back tomorrow. The call was made, and with the help of Mom, who was at home with Dino, Owen told his friend where he was, learned that Dino was doing fine, and afterward settled down with one of Grandma’s collection of snugglies and went to sleep. Dad’s suggestion that Owen take some action toward restoring his connection with Dino made all the difference.

Thus, Responding with Sensitivity could be said to include three As:

  1. Acknowledgement
  2. Affirmation
  3. Action.

Though an appropriate action may not always be evident, looking for one is sure to result in many instances in which your child is helped to feel effective and empowered, both of which are crucial components of self-confidence.