Dear Readers,

Although Attachment Parenting focuses on the relationship between a child and his parents, it’s important that we are careful to teach our child about cultivating relationships with others in his life. To do so, we can encourage a healthy secondary bond between our child and her grandmother or aunt, nurture budding friendships between our child and her peers, and learn how to reduce sibling rivalry.

Our children are also watching our adult relationships closely — how we interact with our adult friends and family members, their teachers, and even the cashier at the clothing store or the mailman. Our children are constantly learning from us.

Sometimes — and it can be easy to do, especially if we’re our child’s primary attachment figure — we can forget an extremely important person not only in our children’s lives but in ours: Our spouse or partner. With our busy lives, filled not only with wanting to be the best attachment parent possible to our children but also with work and household chores and hobbies, we forget about our own primary adult attachment figure — that he needs our time and energy, too.

Free Opportunity Through API!

Attachment Parenting International is offering you a great opportunity to refocus your relationship with your spouse or partner through a FREE online discussion with Imago Relationship therapists during the week of April 6-10 on the API Forum. This first of three “chats” is focusing on Marriage, Partners, and Parenting, specifically loving and understanding approaches to conflict resolution between you and your partner. For more information, click here.

The results can be devastating: Divorce or separation, emotional abandonment, depression, prolonged anger and bitterness. This is not only stressful for you, but it can bring feelings of great insecurity to your children. And they can react to this insecurity with their feelings of depression and anger.

My husband and I have been taking extra time lately to focus on our marriage. We have a good marriage overall, but there are times when I find myself engrossed in my children’s lives and in my work and before I know it, my husband and I have emotionally fallen away from each other. It’s so easy to do with two people who have equally busy lives.

After attending a weekend marriage conference, my husband and I have recommitted ourselves to our marriage. We’ve reworked our schedules to make regular time for each other — both with our children and as a couple when they’re in bed. We’ve planned regular date nights and weekend family trips. And we’ve begun a daily study time of a book about strengthening marriage.

Something that really hit home for both of us during the marriage conference is how vital it is for children to sense security between the parenting partners in a household. And that, without this sense of security, not only their present lives could be greatly affected but so could their future. My children need to know that Mom and Dad are OK, that we love one another, and that we’re committed to one another. And to do so means making regular time with my husband, and working on my trouble areas of conflict resolution and giving undeserved compassion and respect.

I suggest you begin to look at your relationship to your spouse or partner much as you see your relationship with your child — an attachment bond that needs to be nurtured continually. Study ways to do this just as your do for your parent-child bond: read books and other publications, join like-minded parents in a local group or an online forum, even attend workshops and conferences like the API-Imago “Marriage, Partners and Parenting” forum chat beginning April 6.

As much as we want the best for our children, we can’t ignore the importance of security in our home. Take time to nurture the relationship with your spouse or partner. It’s worth it, for your children and for yourself.

~ Rita Brhel, editor of The Attached Family publications