All posts by The Attached Family

Name Your Baby the AP Way

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

A mix-match of namesPerhaps no activity can consume as much of an expectant couple’s time and energy as choosing a name for their baby. While other aspects of pregnancy and preparing for childbirth and parenting may interest one parent more than the other, both mom and dad are equally invested in the deliberations for just the right name.

And they should be. A name carries so much meaning. It is a person’s identity, the very first introduction any person has to the world. That a name is likely to stay attached to a person throughout his life makes choosing the name to be a huge responsibility. It makes me think of a song my dad listens to, a 1974 song by Johnny Cash, “A Boy Named Sue,” about a father who named his son, Sue, and the resentment the boy felt toward his father because of that.

An Exercise in Sensitivity

Naming a baby can have a lot to do with setting the foundation for attachment between you and your child, in that it may be the first major decision you have to make in that baby’s life. Choosing a name is great practice for making other big decisions in the child’s future that may not be as fun – although baby naming is not without strife. Some parents can get themselves into power struggles over preferred names. Continue reading Name Your Baby the AP Way

The Basics of Bottle Nursing

By Barbara Nicholson & Lysa Parker, API co-founders, reprinted with permission from Attached at the Heart ©, available through the API Store

Bottle nursingWe have been contacted by many parents and caregivers who want to incorporate the most loving behaviors into their feeding practices with their babies. Our culture often supports practices that create disconnection from our children. For instance, some parents have shared with us that they were given baby gear to encourage a “hands off “ style of parenting, including devices to prop a baby bottle so the baby does not have to be held during feedings. An Attachment Parenting International Support Group meeting may be the first place where a parent hears how important it is that babies be fed in the arms of a loved one.

API developed guidelines for bottle-feeding with a unique viewpoint. Because we encourage all parents to look at their parenting choices through the lens of attachment, we have coined the term “bottle nursing” because it reflects breastfeeding behaviors and has tremendous advantages to the parent or other caregiver and baby. These recommendations are applicable to infants who are bottle-fed breast milk, formula, or a combination.

To simulate breastfeeding, parents hold the baby in the crook of the arm, positioning the bottle alongside the breast. This position places the baby’s face and cheek in contact with the parent’s arm, and this skin-to-skin contact helps parent and baby feel more connected. Holding the baby during feeds also helps to prevent the baby from developing “flat-head syndrome,” or plagiocephaly, which can happen when a child is left on a flat surface too frequently. When a baby drinks from a propped bottle, mother and baby also miss an important opportunity to strengthen their emotional connection. Propping the bottle can also be a choking hazard.

Try to make feeding time a special time of calm for both parent and child. Maintain eye contact while feeding when the baby is alert and interested, and switch positions from one side to another; these help strengthen the baby’s eye muscles. Talk softly and lovingly to baby at feeding times. Parents should respect their child’s hunger cues by avoiding feeding schedules. Following the child’s cues helps to strengthen the attachment relationship and shows the baby that his needs are understood.

“We take care of our foster babies as if they were our birth children in every way, except that they are bottle-fed. We hold them as much as we can; I war them in a sling all of the time when I am out in public, and we never take the car seat out of the car. We sleep in close proximity to them; we have a porta-crib next to our bed.

We feed them bottles but use a breastfeeding model, holding them close, never propping the bottle, changing sides for eye-hand coordination, demand-feeding, yet being careful not to overfeed them formula (which is not a concern with breastmilk).

We answer their needs as quickly as is humanly possible, helping them to feel as if they are the most precious beings on this earth.”

~Reedy Hickey, foster mother of 32 infants

Some mothers (or primary caregivers) who bottle nurse choose to follow the breastfeeding model closely so the baby associates feeding with being held; therefore, the mother is the primary person who feeds him while using the bottle. This approach to bottle-feeding produces many benefits for mother and child. The mother will have an opportunity to sit down, to have a special time to bond and rest, just as a breastfeeding mother would be “allowed” to do. A new mother sometimes needs this excuse to rest, instead of feeling that she must do all the housework or other tasks while letting someone else feed the baby. With this behavior, the baby benefits from the consistency of his mother’s presence while feeding and is able to gaze at her face, smell her scent, and feel secure in her arms. This enables their precious attachment relationship to deepen. A mother might say to a well-intentioned relative or friend who wants to feed the baby that this is their special bonding time and a rest time for Mom.

Sucking can remain a strong need well past the first year or two. Pacifiers, when used appropriately, can satisfy that need until the child outgrows it. Breastfeeding babies suck at the breast for comfort, so parents of bottle-fed babies can enrich their child’s experience by either holding the baby in the feeding position when giving a pacifier or simply holding and comforting an older child. These modifications increase close physical contact and bonding time and can make weaning from the pacifier a more natural and gradual process.

As the baby gets older and is able to hold his own bottle, the parent may be tempted to allow the baby to feed himself or to let him walk around with a bottle rather than providing the comfort the child is seeking. If a child doesn’t associate the bottle with being held or having undivided attention by the parent, he might use the bottle or a pacifier as a comfort tool, or “transitional object.” Toddlers who use the bottle, pacifier, or thumb for comfort – rather than being comforted by the parent – may have a much harder time giving up the bottle, pacifier, or thumb down the road. If they learn to come to their parent for comfort or cuddle time and perhaps a short time of sucking on their bottle or pacifier, eventually they will prefer the cuddle and gradually wean from the transitional object, much like a breastfeeding toddler weans from the breast.

In the case of a baby or child who must be separated from their parents during part of the day, it is important that the parent evaluate how important a pacifier or other transitional object is for the security of the child. In some cases, it would be cruel to forbid the use of these comforts, so parents must use their best judgment.

Regain “Control” of Your Teen

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

Get control of your teenHas your teenager stopped listening to you? Do you routinely catch him telling lies, or does she continually break curfew? You may be finding yourself tempted to make tighter rules and to pass out punishments when these rules are broken. But Christina Botto, author of Help Me with My Teenager!, says this strategy is likely to backfire.

“It is possible to regain control by restricting your teenager and forcing him to do as you say. You can monitor their every move and bombard them with questions,” writes Botto in her ParentingATeenager.net article, “Trust vs. Control.” “Your teen, however, will most likely respond by avoiding you and family time, lying, dropping grades, or even running away from home. He also will be very frustrated, feel confined, and count the days until he is 18 and out of the house.”

What most parents are looking for is not to control their teen’s every move but to discourage their teen’s inappropriate behaviors while encouraging more mature behavior, like coming to them for advice and input. Because of our culture’s tendency to punish, it’s easy for parents to get caught up in this approach, when the most effective way of “regaining control” is not to punish or to control but rather to find ways to reconnect while guiding good decision-making.

As parents begin to let go of their control on their teen, however, Botto said many parents are left wondering how much independence is too much. Parents know they need to continue to teach, they know their teen is not yet at a point of being completely independent, but they don’t know where to set boundaries without seeming too controlling. That feeling of unease can lead parents of teens, just as with parents of younger children, to becoming overly permissive or controlling.

To help parents find the right boundaries for their teen, here are a couple tips to try when faced with an area of conflict:

  • Allow your teen to make some decisions, such as what type of clothes to buy or when to do homework. This boosts confidence in himself and his decisions, as well as allows parents to gain confidence in his choices. This give-and-take in trust strengthens your attachment bond.
  • You may discover your teen is more mature in her decision-making than you thought, or you may realize this is not so. When she does make unwise decisions, this gives you the opportunity to support and guide her, which when done appropriately and compassionately also strengthens the attachment bond. Don’t scold or punish. Instead, work together to talk about and problem-solve the situation. By discussing the problem and analyzing the facts, your teen will gain confidence in your ability to empathize with her and offer helpful advice. And by allowing your teen to join you in problem-solving, you’re boosting her confidence by giving her the opportunity to come up with her own solutions.

A Resource for Parents of Picky Eaters

By Heidi Green ©, reprinted with permission from BabyGooRoo.com

MyPyramid for PreschoolersFive years ago, I had very firm ideas about childhood nutrition. “Balanced meals” was my mantra. I presented plates with foods of different colors (indicating different nutrients), and I sought out whole foods, natural foods, and organic foods. My firstborn stuck up his nose at much of it. Even the foods children are “supposed” to love – macaroni and cheese, pizza, and hot dogs – earned his disdain.

I quickly went through what I now think of as the Five Stages of Preschooler Feeding Grief:

  • Denial – “He’ll eat it next time.”
  • Anger – “Why won’t he eat this?!”
  • Bargaining – “Eat this if you want dessert.”
  • Depression – “What’s the point in cooking good foods if he won’t eat them?”
  • Acceptance – “Well, he is a healthy boy in spite of being picky.”

And that’s the important truth: my now five-year-old son is a healthy child. He’s lean and active, energetic, and funny. And while he still prefers the foods he accepted easily, he has broadened his palate some. A little bit.

MyPyramid for Preschoolers

The title of this U.S. federal government’s subpopulation-specific nutrition pyramid, MyPyramid for Preschoolers available at ChooseMyPlate.gov, is something of a misnomer. After all, preschoolers won’t use it themselves. Most don’t read. It’s a sure bet that none are planning their own meals! So this tool is, more accurately, for parents of preschoolers. Still, those who are planning meals for children between the ages of two and five may find it helpful.

Like the other MyPyramid modules, the preschoolers’ site is customizable. Parents can enter in their children’s information, and find out information related to:

  • Growth charts – Body Mass Index and height-for-age charts are available. Unfortunately, although the site does acknowledge that there is a “wide range of normal growth,” it still encourages parents to “see where your child compares to other [children].” Truly, growth charts should compare a child to himself, over time. Also, the growth charts provided here are the typical NHANES (National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey) charts and not those developed by the World Health Organization as a result of a seven-year, international study of optimally-fed infants. No mention is made of those charts.
  • Eating habits – Some pretty common-sense information will give parents a starting place. Suggestions include: set a good example, offer a variety of foods, start with small portions, help them know when they’ve had enough, follow a meal and snack schedule, make mealtime a family time, and more.
  • Feeding picky eaters – If the toddlers I have known are any indication, I predict this will be the most-visited part of the site! Parents can look here for guidance about common types of picky eating, how to cope with it, and how to get preschoolers to try new foods.
  • Physical activity – Again, the suggestions seem to be largely common sense. Do parents really need to be told that they should be role models in this area? Do they need to be told that engaging in family activities leads to more activity for their children? The section on how to keep your active preschooler safe sounds promising, but actually only links to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention site with just six tips.
  • Food safety rules – Clean, chill, separate, and cook are rules that apply to food preparation for any eaters, but tips about choking hazards and prevention may be helpful.

Of Note for Parents

Childhood obesity is a serious problem – and I can’t help but think that maybe the physical activity page should have been above the growth charts. Since physical activity is important for everyone, I’d rather have parents focus on what their children are doing than on these numbers!

Still, this site might be helpful as a discussion-starter for parents who are starting to grapple with the problem of picky eating in their preschoolers. If nothing else, it might help parents move from the Stages of Preschooler Feeding Grief to a more practical, problem-solving construct.

Even if it doesn’t, take heart. A friend told me of a child she once knew who seemed to survive on just doughnuts and pizza. Try as his parents might, they faced insurmountable opposition to other foods! What happened to the child? These days, he’s a strong, healthy pediatrician.

This brings us back to the final stage of Preschooler Feeding Grief: Acceptance. Parents, look at your children. Most times, they turn out healthy in spite of picky eating.

Why Breast is Best, and What Needs to Change in Society to Better Support Mothers

By Christina Podolak

Breastfeeding

For most of our human existence on earth, mothers have fed their babies breast milk. Within the last 100 years, mothers had another option for feeding their babies: formula.

Mothers today are faced with the decision whether to formula feed or breastfeed their babies. Six years ago, I was one of those mothers. I was pregnant with my first child and went in for my first prenatal check-up. My doctor asked if I planned to bottle-feed or breastfeed my baby, and I didn’t hesitate to answer — breastfeed. The topic was never mentioned after that visit.

Why Breastfeed?

When asked a few years later why I wanted to breastfeed, I didn’t have a clear answer. I was aware of some of the health benefits to my infant, but formula processed from the milk of a cow or soybeans just didn’t seem natural or healthy. The cost savings was an obvious benefit, but I also had great breastfeeding role models in my family. My three older sisters as well as my mother had chosen to breastfeed through the first year of infancy. It wasn’t until I heard Dr. Jeanne Stolzer talk in Lincoln, Nebraska, in April 2009 that I fully understood the broad range of benefits available to my baby and me by choosing to breastfeed.

Stolzer is an associate professor and researcher of family studies at the University of Nebraska at Kearney. After hearing her talk about the overwhelming body of scientific evidence supporting breastfeeding, I couldn’t understand why if a mother was educated with this information, she would still choose formula without some sort of circumstance that would make breastfeeding medically impossible for either her or the baby. My concept of the importance of breastfeeding to the mother as well as the child was solidified. It made me feel even more passionate about sharing and education other mothers on the many benefits of breastfeeding.

Research is finding lifetime benefits for both the breastfeeding mother and baby. These benefits are a dose response-specific variable. This means that the outcome is different for each mother-child pair and is associated with the amount, intensity, and duration of the nursing experience. It can be compared to two persons, a regular drinker and a non-drinker: They can be given the same amounts of alcohol for the same length of time, but if one is used to drinking on a regular basis, he won’t be affected as much as the non-drinker. The specific breastfeeding benefits are affected by the amount of milk given, how long the nursing relationship is, and the intensity of nursing sessions. Research has found that the following health benefits to the mother included a reduced the risk for:

  • Type I and II diabetes
  • Anxiety
  • Mood disorders
  • Osteoporosis
  • Breast, ovarian, and uterine cancer
  • Depression rates
  • Cholesterol.

The baby benefits from an overall reduced risk of death from all causes. Research has also found many more lifetime benefit for the baby which includes a reduced risk for:

  • Upper and lower respiratory infections
  • Ear infections
  • Bacterial infections
  • Urinary infections
  • Asthma and allergies of all types
  • Diarrhea
  • Skin disorders
  • Type I and II diabetes
  • Celiac and bowel disease
  • Cancer, especially lymphoma and leukemia.

Stolzer shared the statistics of health care savings by breastfeeding alone: $3.2 billion dollars would be saved on health care if all Americans breastfed for six months.

Getting This News to Mothers

The challenge is providing the needed education to new mothers still on the fence about breast or bottle-feeding, as well as eliciting positive support from medical staff. I think back to own experience with my first pregnancy. I wasn’t offered any information from my OB/GYN at my prenatal visits. I agree with Stolzer in that our hospital protocol needs to be changed. All hospitals need to go to the Baby Friendly guidelines and not offer any formula samples or pacifiers.

There also needs to be better prenatal education for the mother and father. This would include a class on breastfeeding as commonplace as childbirth classes, for both parents, so each would know what to expect and how to handle any possible challenges.

A Need for Cultural Acceptance

Better role models for breastfeeding on the cover of magazines and on television shows would be “worth a thousand words” toward building public acceptance for a practice that is as natural to a baby as crawling. How many times has a mother been shown breastfeeding a baby? Not many. There is always a bottle in the baby’s mouth. Rather than baby bottles being the symbol of “babyhood,” an infant wrapped in the warm embrace of his mother would prevail.

Generations of Change

How do we get women to realize the numerous benefits of breastfeeding? I believe education and ongoing support through the first difficult weeks of breastfeeding would move our culture to a time where a majority of women instinctively answer, “Breastfeed my baby, of course.” In the hospital where I delivered my three children, I have found that the doctors dictate protocol, and it can be intimidating to challenge the “expert.” But consider how births have changed in one or two generations. I can’t imagine being unconscious for my deliveries. It takes just a few mothers to intelligently challenge the way doctors choose to educate their patients. Then we can get back to 100 years ago when the majority of mothers breastfed their happy, healthy babies.

Discuss this topic with other API members and parents. Get advice for your parenting challenges, and share your tips with others on the API Forum.

Use Massage to Reconnect at the End of the Work Day

By Tina Allen, LMT, CPMMT, CPMT, CIMT

Infant massageIn today’s world economy, we often find that most parents are working outside of the home. This may mean a two parent home has both parents working outside of the home to keep their bills paid and food on the table. This may also mean that we see a reversal of roles, as compared to our 1950s ideals of families, where a father may stay at home with the children while the mother works outside of the home. Or the traditional stay-at-home mother while the father is working.

In any case, we find that the children are missing out on valuable nurturing and bonding time with their parents.

While it is essential that parents work to support their families, it is also essential that parents find ways to connect and bond with their children. To support children, show them they are loved and provide care and attention. Continue reading Use Massage to Reconnect at the End of the Work Day

The ‘Perfect’ Birth

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