Category Archives: 4. The Growing Child

From age 4 to age 9.

4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent, The Editor's Desk

Extracurricular Activities Should Be Fun, Not Work

1 Comment

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

Kids today are busier than any generation before.

School-aged children and teens have ample opportunities to fill their free time with extracurricular activities, and many parents encourage their children to participate in these activities. These activities are fun; they help children find talents and build up skill sets; and they give children additional ways to socialize and make friends. Children as young as early elementary can now participate in  myriad activities, from soccer to scouts to theatre.

But parents have to be careful that these fun activities don’t become burdens to their children, that they don’t inadvertently or purposely place their child in a position where the child is feeling pushed to excel in order to gain parental approval, and that they don’t schedule too many activities so that children simply don’t have time to play, relax, connect with others, or just be children.

Rick Wolff, chairman of the Institute for International Sport’s Center for Sports Parenting, spoke in 2005 at the University of Rhode Island about the unreasonable expectations parents can be tempted to place on their children’s athletic futures. His presentation was covered in the article “Parents Pushing Children into Sports a Problem, Growing in Culture” by Meghan Vendettoli, published by the University.

Activities are for Children, Not the Parents

Wolff noted that children want to participate in extracurricular activities because they find them enjoyable, but that some parents see these activities – particularly sports – as a “foundation” for their future, most often in hopes of getting their child a college scholarship. Never mind the fact that less than four percent of high school athletes end up playing collegiate sports.

Wolff was most bothered by the trend of more and more parents pushing their children as young as five or six years old to excel in a sport, at the expense of the child’s happiness.

“A lot of parents don’t get it, and the kids become the victims,” he said.

No Pushing, Please

In the article “Don’t Push Your Children Too Hard in Sports or Other Activities,” published in 2000 on http://healthlink.mcw.edu, Anthony D. Meyer, MD, warns parents of how easy it is to “push” a child into an activity even as they try not to.

“As pre-teenagers, children are completely egocentric, meaning they believe that whatever they do is responsible for what actually happens. If they miss the goal or strike out and the team loses, they believe they are solely at fault,” Meyer wrote. “They also have a very, very strong need to please adults, and a coach or parent who feeds into that need may very easily push a child beyond his or her breaking point.”

How does Meyer advise parents to avoid this pitfall?

“A skillful coach or concerned parent will watch for signs of stress, including difficulty sleeping or eating, total preoccupation with one activity and nothing else, or moodiness,” he said.

If parents fail to recognize these signs, not only will the child grow to dislike the activity but may also become resentful toward his parents. Here are Meyer’s tips to parents to avoid inadvertently pushing their children:

  • Get to know your child – Spend time with your child, especially “unconditional time” in which there is no teaching involved. Do whatever the child wants to do, and observe him for 45 minutes. Be open and encouraging, and take delight in what your child enjoys. Learn to empathize with your child.
  • Ask the right questions – Is this activity good for your child at this time? Is your child enjoying herself and, perhaps, growing from the experience? Can your child enjoy participating, win or lose? Put what you want for the child out of your mind, and focus on your child’s needs and desires from her level.
  • Talk with your spouse or partner – Your spouse may have good insight into how your child is feeling, especially if your spouse’s interests differ from yours; for example, if the wife is interested in volleyball and the husband is interested in choir.
  • Help your child find a place in the activity – Not every child is going to excel in the activities they enjoy. For example, a child may enjoy softball but not be very competitive, so instead, the parent can encourage her to serve as the team manager or cheerleader. Show your child that there are many ways they can enjoy an activity, even if she isn’t as talented as her peers.
  • Introduce your child to other types of activities – Your child will be drawn toward the activities he enjoys and will be more likely to find his talent. He will also develop a balanced appreciation for many things in life. Children allowed to participate in a variety of activities are able to better handle wins and losses and challenges, and feel that their interests and desires have been recognized.

For More Information
The Sports Parenting Edge by Rick Wolff

4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent

AP and the Growing Child

1 Comment

By Susan Esserman-Schack, Leader of API of Bergen County, NJ

Susan & family
Susan & family

I have a new baby in my family – he is now 17 months old. My last baby was born 10 years earlier. The one before that was born two years prior to my second. When I look at my new baby, all I see is joy and love in his eyes. All his intentions are true and pure. He is my newest angel. I know that he does not manipulate or judge, his wants are his needs, and I have no problem meeting them. He nurses and all is right with the world. He sleeps and truly looks like an angel, our dream has come true.

I remember looking adoringly at my first two babies. I loved to watch them sleep – and trusted their souls completely. I watched them grow, and they taught me so much about what it meant to be a happy family. They knew what they needed, and had no problem letting me know. They both nursed until they felt that they did not need to breastfeed any longer.

The challenges began as they grew.

I always believed in following my instincts about parenting and caring for my babies. There was no word for Attachment Parenting when I had my first, and I really just relied on what my heart was telling me to do. As I parent now, I still do the same thing. No rules to follow, just follow my heart. I know I cannot make a mistake this way, as my instincts and my children will lead the way. As my children grew, there was an abundance of information about what they “should” be doing and when they “should” outgrow aspects of their babyhood/childhood. I just continued to trust that they knew what they were doing and however they were doing it was appropriate for them. This felt right for me.

I had to make adjustments to accommodate their interests, and I too began to become interested in the things that they wanted to learn about. We took a multitude of field trips with friends to discover new places and new things; we spent a lot of time exploring the outdoors and bug collecting. They truly taught me everything, as I grew up with only one sister, and here I was with two little boys! Listening became a big part of my job – hearing what they had to say, waiting for them to figure out how to say it.

AP & School-Age Children

As my boys became older, my job as a mom continued to grow – now I was also teacher after school – and tutor. I was eavesdropper as they spoke in the car to each other and with their friends. I was given the big window into their lives in the car. The car became the place where we all reconnected. In the car, there was no competition for any of our attention. We spoke of many things in the car, and learned all about boy-girl relationships and sex. For some reason, they always asked me the hardest questions while I was driving them. Part of the advantage to this was that they could not see my face and my shock in the innocence of their intense questions.

I made myself available to them whenever they needed. I tried to not interfere with their burgeoning independence. I tried not to act hurt when they acted like I was a “stupid woman.” I say this with a smile, as I know it is a stage that all pre-adolescents go through, thinking that they are the all powerful and all knowing and their parents are just simply stupid and know nothing! My friends and I would laugh about all this, and actually feel proud of our children and how confident they were in their power and knowledge. What a good feeling!

AP & Teens

Now my older children are 11 and 13. My first teenager has bouts of intense love for me and intense anger about anything. He will just come up to me and hug me and tell me that he loves me. The next day, he will tell me I am ruining his life. I continue to follow my heart and love him everyday, and let him know it. I love hearing about everything that is going on in his life – as much as he is willing to share with me. I keep an open mind and let him know of my availability to him to talk about anything. I respect his privacy and his decisions. We have made certain agreements about his being able to call me and have me fish him out of any uncomfortable situation he finds himself in – no questions asked – no punishment offered. He is teaching me everyday, again, about growing up and being a teenager – about separation and attachment.

What he is going through is strikingly similar to what my toddler is going through. Two steps forward, one step back. Independent one day, leaning on me the next. Growing and learning about his new body and intelligence and power and strength. Learning how to handle all the new feelings in his body. Learning how his parents fit into the big picture.  He is a bright, articulate, strong young man who has his future at his feet. He has every opportunity in the world before him. I have to learn patience as he takes his steps in navigating his unique journey in this world. I need to learn patience and trust in his process, and trust that he will make decisions that are right for him. I must learn when to talk and when to stay quiet.

How AP Changes as Children Grow

I take time to talk with other parents with kids the same ages. Some of these parents have been my “co-workers” in my parenting career since our older babies were the littlest of babies. Hearing what they have to say comforts me as I learn that, once again, what my children are doing is normal. Expectations must be adjusted once more, as even though our children are literally big, they are still very focused on only themselves, at times. Autonomy ebbs and flows. They move at their own pace. I must believe that what they are doing is the right thing to be doing at their age and stage of development.

Touch is still an essential tool in my parenting practices. Hugs, kisses, telling them “I love you” are daily activities. Taking affection any way I can get it from them, while understanding that it may come in odd ways – like wrestling with my boys! I continue to be emotionally available to them, at the drop of a pin. My boys keep busy, but we must be careful not to over-schedule, as they still really need their down time. I must learn more about being involved without being intrusive.

Babies, toddlers, and adolescents – strikingly similar. Parenting through it all and following my children’s lead has been my mantra. I make decisions based on what works for today. I continue to follow my heart and my instincts. I may make mistakes along the way, all of this is part of learning. I understand now how quickly they grow, and I cherish my time with all three of my sons – knowing one day they will be gone from my home and in their own with children of their own…and I will miss them tremendously.

Reprinted with permission from Seventh Moon~ Perinatal Support Services. © 2004 Susan Esserman-Schack, LCSW, IBCLC, LCCE.

I made myself available to them whenever they needed. I tried to not interfere with their burgeoning independence. I tried not to act hurt when they acted like I was a “stupid woman.”

3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, The Editor's Desk

Medical Reasons for Fear of the Dark

1 Comment

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

Being scared of the dark is a widespread nighttime issue for young children, and in the great majority of the time, the root of this fear is grounded in a very active imagination with only a budding, limited ability to reason. But, in some occurrences, the fear of the dark can actually point to a more serious, chronic medical reason requiring the attention of a health professional.

Medically significant sleep disorders in preschool and school-age children, and teens, include:

  • Earaches – Sleeping is uncomfortable with an ear infection because the change in position creates increased pressure.
  • Asthma – A nighttime cough is a common symptom of asthma, as is if your child wakes up crying and unable to breathe normally.
  • Parasites – Pinworms, which are tiny and thread-like worms on the bottom, are active at night and cause itchiness.
  • Obstructive sleep apnea – Sometimes, enlarged tonsils or adenoids in the throat partially obstruct the airway, causing the child to stop breathing temporarily.
  • Bed-wetting – Children as old as 12 can have difficulty not wetting the bed at night, due to physical development of the bladder and bladder muscles as well as immaturity in the part of the brain that communicates when it’s time to empty the bladder.
  • Restless legs syndrome – “Creepy,” crawling sensations may affect the legs or the arms.
  • Periodic limb movement disorder – Usually affecting the legs, there is an overwhelming feeling that the limbs must be moved several times throughout the night, as often as every 30 seconds.
  • Stationary night blindness – An inability to see at all in the dark, the eyes never actually adjust to the dark.
3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent, The Editor's Desk

AP Teaches Assertiveness

1 Comment

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

Most parents who practice Attachment Parenting (AP) aren’t concerned about their children becoming bullies. After all, the goal of AP is to teach children empathy, compassionate, and respect for others – qualities not usually afforded to bullies. But some AP parents may be concerned that their child could become the target of a bully.

In the Spring 2008 issue of Attachment Parenting International’s The Journal of API, in the “Ask the Founders” feature, API Co-founder Lysa Parker answered a question from a parent about her three-year-old son being the target of bullying by his playmates. This mother’s concern was that his friends were mistaking her son’s kindness and sensitivity for weakness. Parker recommended that the mother use the situation to teach her son and his friends about friendship and how their actions can be hurtful. Parker also said, at this age, talking with the bullies’ parents would be appropriate.

As this boy grows older, the mother does need to teach him how to deal with bullying, Parker said – which can start now: “When your son runs to you for help, he is communicating his need for support, but he also needs to be empowered by learning the words to say to express his feelings.”

This advice is right on target, according to a 1997 article from the National Association for the Education of Young Children, “Teaching Children Not to Be, or Be Victims of, Bullies,” reprinted on the Focus Adolescent Services website www.focusas.com: “The key to promoting positive interactions among young children is teaching them to assert themselves effectively. Children who express their feelings and needs, while respecting those of others will be neither victims nor aggressors.”

AP Prevents Bullying

AP parents, while they may be concerned, are a step ahead of non-AP parents in preventing bullying. As outlined in API’s Eight Principles of Parenting, responding with sensitivity is a critical component of AP. By responding to our infants’ cries, we teach them to trust us as their caregivers and to trust themselves as communicators of their needs.

As children grow, we gradually learn how to let our children become more independent, at their own pace, by watching for their cues. We can encourage them to make their own choices, and therefore learn to become confident in themselves and their abilities, by beginning to allow toddlers to choose what they wear, what game or activity to play next, and so on.

With older children and teens, we can help them discover their talent and develop skills in an area of interest, and let them begin to make larger decisions for themselves, both of which add to a healthy self esteem.

In all of these ways, parents provide their children with tools to thwart bullying incidents.

“Adults must show children that they have the right to make choices – in which toys they play with, or what they wear and what they eat,” according to the National Association for the Education of Young Children article. “The more children trust and value their own feelings, the more likely they will be to resist peer pressure, to respect warm and caring adults, and to be successful in achieving their personal goals.”

How to Teach Assertiveness

The best way to teach assertiveness is by modeling it and accepting it from your children. Parents need to remember that assertiveness is not the same thing as aggression. Instead, as outlined in The-Self-Improvement-Zone’s article “Teach Your Children to Be Assertive” on www.improvementtower.com, assertive behaviors communicate:

  • No one has the right to make me feel guilty, foolish, or ignorant.
  • I do not need to make excuses for everything I do, although I do need to be accountable to my immediate family and close relatives and myself.
  • I am allowed to change my mind, and not feel bad about it.
  • It is not necessarily my fault if things go wrong.
  • I do not have to know everything, it is OK to say “I don’t know,” and I shouldn’t feel inferior because of that.
  • No one is perfect, and it is not the end of the world if I make a mistake.
  • Not everyone has to be my friend, and there is nothing wrong with me if someone doesn’t like me.
  • If I don’t understand something, it’s OK and I shouldn’t feel inferior.
  • I don’t have to prove myself to anyone else.
  • I don’t need to be perfect, rather I should strive to just be myself.

Social Skills are Key

Besides teaching these attitudes to their children, parents can also help their children improve their social skills through role-playing to practice social conversation and teach children how to initiate and sustain conversation through both asking and responding to questions and careful listening.

“Teaching them social skills is the first step to making them more comfortable in just about any given situation,” according The-Self-Improvement-Zone. “The more comfortable they feel in these situations, the easier they will learn how to be assertive. The better they understand themselves, the more they will know and articulate their needs.”

Learning How to Handle Frustration Important, Too

Another area where children may need help is in learning how to handle frustration. Parents should teach their children not to use anger as a tool for asserting themselves, as anger creates negative reactions in other people and contributes to communication breakdown. Parents themselves – especially in response to tantrums, hitting, and breaking toys – should never use yelling and punishment as forms of discipline. Instead of anger, parents can teach children how to work out a win-win compromise when appropriate, and when not appropriate, how to relax and let the situation bother them less.

“Keep in mind that the only way you will be able to teach your children how to assert themselves is by learning how to be assertive yourself,” according The-Self-Improvement-Zone. “It is up to you, as the adult, to set the example for your child. No means no. You do not need to become a doormat to ensure that your child becomes assertive. Be a good role model for your children. Children learn what they see and experience. If you are assertive and fair, they will learn to become one, too.”

The best way to teach assertiveness is by modeling it and accepting it from your children.

4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent, The Editor's Desk

Discouraging School-Age Children and Teens from Junk Food

1 Comment

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

Sadly, the challenge of encouraging your child to eat nutritiously doesn’t get any easier as he grows. As they become more independent thinkers, school-aged children and teens are exposed to more people modeling unhealthy behaviors: their peers and friends, other adults in the community, television commercials, even school vending machines promoting quick, easy, and tasty sweets and fatty foods.

Role models don’t have to openly discourage eating nutritiously; ignoring healthy options and choosing junk food first is powerful persuasion.

As children grow, eventually what peers teach begins to compete with the importance of parental guidance. But, in a family that values strong parent-child attachments, the parent will continue to be the top role model. So, even if your teen’s friends are choosing candy bars and pop over healthy snacks and beverages, she’s still learning most of her life lessons from what’s going on at home.

Here are a few ways parents can positively influence their children’s food choices:

  • Lead by example – Your child, even a teen, is learning how to live life by watching what you do and doing it, so if you’re snacking on chips and candy, your child will be, too. Also, actions speak louder than words. Your child learns more from watching what you eat than by listening to you advocate for the apple while you’re munching on a cookie.
  • Cheer up! – Many people, children and adults, learn to eat when they’re unhappy. Help your child find other ways to work through their feelings, such as talking with you or a friend.
  • Beat the boredom – Some children eat when they’re bored, especially while watching television. Turn off the TV and turn on family time with games, outings, or other activities together. In addition to discouraging your child from eating while viewing, turning off the television will reduce the time your child is exposed to junk food advertisers.
  • Moderation is the key – An occasional sweet is OK, but limiting the portion is a must. Teach your child to limit junk food by eating chips only with healthy meals and only offering one or two cookies during one snack time. Be consistent and resilient against protests, especially if you’re starting to change your child’s eating habits.
  • Make your own “junk food” – Bypass the store-bought processed foods by making your own candy, ice cream, sweet breads, and chips. Learn ways to make recipes healthier, such as using skim milk instead of whole milk and using applesauce instead of sugar.
  • Prepare quick foods for your busy teen – Many older children and teens have extremely full schedules, running from sports practice to dance class to church activities before coming home to do schoolwork and getting ready for bed. Junk food is notoriously easy for them to get quick energy, even if it’s not healthy energy. Encourage your child to eat well when they’re looking for quick meals by preparing healthy, tasty snacks for them. Cheese and crackers, a banana, celery sticks with peanut butter are all easy to pack together and don’t have to be refrigerated.

There will still be times when your child or teen opts for a bag of chips and pop instead of a healthier choice, but the goal is to teach her to make the right choice from how you model what to eat. And be creative! Healthy food choices can compete with the sugar- and fat-packed junk food. Find recipes that appeal to your child’s sweet tooth but still give her some nutrition, like a fruit-nut trail mix or multi-grain cookies.

3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent, The Editor's Desk

Beyond Babies…Promoting Attachment Through Feeding of Older Children

1 Comment

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting calls parents to feed their children with love and respect. With infants, this easily translates into breastfeeding or “bottle nursing.”

But what does this mean once children transition to solid foods? How do parents continue AP as their children grow?

An Act of Love

First, parents need to remember that providing food to their children, no matter the age, is an act of love and a way to strengthen their emotional bond. By feeding them, parents are fulfilling a vital physical need. When children’s needs are met, they feel closer to their parents. This doesn’t change as babies grow into toddlers and toddlers into older children.

More than simply offering food, parents reveal how much they care for their children by offering healthy foods and modeling healthy food selection. This may mean that parents, themselves, have to change their eating habits, which can be difficult. This may also mean disagreements between parents and their children as they grow and are exposed to more models of unhealthy habits, especially as teens when peer influence begins to compete with the parental attachment.

Not Always Easy, But Worth the Work

Feeding with love and respect may seem to be one of the easier Attachment Parenting tools offered by Attachment Parenting International – that is, until the first time a weaned toddler decides to refuse all solid foods offered, except graham crackers, for a week. It’s the first sign of independence in the feeding department, and it can make parents worry about whether their child is getting all the nutrients he needs to thrive.

The advice for these parents, in dealing with challenges in feeding their children, is to explore strategies that are attachment-friendly. Forcing a child to eat a food she doesn’t want to eat doesn’t promote attachment; encouraging her to be a picky eater by not offering a variety of foods is unhealthy. Parents often have to be creative in coming up with AP solutions and may have to try several ideas before finding one or a couple that work.

Be Creative in Problem-Solving

It’s important to remember that one size does not fit all, and what may work for one parent may not work for another. Some parents say to simply not worry about a picky eater, that the child is eating as much as he needs and will eat more if he needs to; others find that if they don’t encourage their child to eat more foods that she consistently refuses to try new foods. Some parents trust their teens to make healthy food choices when they’re with their friends; other parents find that talking to their teens about the potential medical consequences of unhealthy food choices what works best.

No one knows a child, and what strategies will work to encourage healthy eating, better than her parent.

The advice for these parents, in dealing with challenges in feeding their children, is to explore strategies that are attachment-friendly.