By Juliette Oase, leader of API of Portland, Oregon
**Orginally published in the Winter 2007-08 Adoption issue of The Journal of API
Juliette, her children, and her parents
I remember the day my daughter turned two years and five months old.
The reason I remember it so well, imprinted like a stamp on my heart, is because when I was exactly that age, two years and five months old, my life came tumbling down in a way that life never should for someone that age.
At two years and five months old, I was the girl people read about on the front page of the newspaper. The tragic story of my mother’s death, shot while walking down the street in Los Angeles, not only made the nightly news but carried into the morning shows as well. People wondered, no doubt, whatever would happen to that cute little girl in the stroller…the one who watched her mother die on the street. Continue reading Two Years and Five Months: An Adoption Story→
When it comes to raising children, a very old but true adage applies: “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.”
Who says to a contractor building a skyscraper that he’s making more trouble for himself by making sure that everything is perfect, level, all materials are up to building code, all permits are in order, and inspecting every last detail to make sure that when that building is finished, it will stand? Sure, that’s the hard way of building a building. But it’s also legally the only way. To cut corners about it will be hazardous – now or in the long run.
How much more so a child? Just like that building, if you’re goal is raising children the easy way, you’re not going to have a stable one. Yet parents still hear arguments from neighbors, languidly leaning on a fence as they pass out salted wisdom of the old wives’ club. “If you pick him up when he cries, you’re just making it harder on yourself.”
It’s illogical that “hard” and “easy” should be arguments of why you should or shouldn’t raise your child a certain way, or do things for your child, or take care of them when they cry.
My goal, my job is to raise a person – one who is secure in his place in the world, who knows he was not a mistake, who knows what it is to be loved for who he is, so he can in turn sow love in the world and not hate and destruct. Maybe I’m in a minority, but I am in fear and awe of the immensity of my job. To me, it’s not hardship but joy. His soul is beautiful. It saddens me that not everyone looks at their children and sees that in them.
Yes, Attachment Parenting is the hard way, because it’s the right way. For me, it’s always been the only way.
When I was in college (some time ago), one of my journalism professors claimed that you couldn’t find an ad with the word “easy” in it. He promised extra credit to anyone who could, because “easy” still had a negative connotation for that generation. Easy was the lazy way out.
Now we have the Easy Button. Quick and easy meals. So easy a caveman could do it. I would have never noticed this certain societal shift myself if it had not been for my old professor. Now we have shifted so much that easy is desirable, and if it’s not easy, it’s wrong. Even to the proper taking care of our children. Books that advocate crying it out could say “Raising Kids the Easy Way!”
Real love is not easy. It’s sacrifice. Few people think that is even valuable anymore. Maybe because they weren’t sacrificed for. Now they’re raising an even more broken and detached generation.
No thanks, I’ll do it the hard way.
My goal, my job is to raise a person – one who is secure in his place in the world, who knows he was not a mistake, who knows what it is to be loved for who he is, so he can in turn sow love in the world and not hate and destruct.
By Susan Esserman-Schack,Leader of API of Bergen County, NJ
Susan & family
I have a new baby in my family – he is now 17 months old. My last baby was born 10 years earlier. The one before that was born two years prior to my second. When I look at my new baby, all I see is joy and love in his eyes. All his intentions are true and pure. He is my newest angel. I know that he does not manipulate or judge, his wants are his needs, and I have no problem meeting them. He nurses and all is right with the world. He sleeps and truly looks like an angel, our dream has come true.
I remember looking adoringly at my first two babies. I loved to watch them sleep – and trusted their souls completely. I watched them grow, and they taught me so much about what it meant to be a happy family. They knew what they needed, and had no problem letting me know. They both nursed until they felt that they did not need to breastfeed any longer.
The challenges began as they grew.
I always believed in following my instincts about parenting and caring for my babies. There was no word for Attachment Parenting when I had my first, and I really just relied on what my heart was telling me to do. As I parent now, I still do the same thing. No rules to follow, just follow my heart. I know I cannot make a mistake this way, as my instincts and my children will lead the way. As my children grew, there was an abundance of information about what they “should” be doing and when they “should” outgrow aspects of their babyhood/childhood. I just continued to trust that they knew what they were doing and however they were doing it was appropriate for them. This felt right for me.
I had to make adjustments to accommodate their interests, and I too began to become interested in the things that they wanted to learn about. We took a multitude of field trips with friends to discover new places and new things; we spent a lot of time exploring the outdoors and bug collecting. They truly taught me everything, as I grew up with only one sister, and here I was with two little boys! Listening became a big part of my job – hearing what they had to say, waiting for them to figure out how to say it.
AP & School-Age Children
As my boys became older, my job as a mom continued to grow – now I was also teacher after school – and tutor. I was eavesdropper as they spoke in the car to each other and with their friends. I was given the big window into their lives in the car. The car became the place where we all reconnected. In the car, there was no competition for any of our attention. We spoke of many things in the car, and learned all about boy-girl relationships and sex. For some reason, they always asked me the hardest questions while I was driving them. Part of the advantage to this was that they could not see my face and my shock in the innocence of their intense questions.
I made myself available to them whenever they needed. I tried to not interfere with their burgeoning independence. I tried not to act hurt when they acted like I was a “stupid woman.” I say this with a smile, as I know it is a stage that all pre-adolescents go through, thinking that they are the all powerful and all knowing and their parents are just simply stupid and know nothing! My friends and I would laugh about all this, and actually feel proud of our children and how confident they were in their power and knowledge. What a good feeling!
AP & Teens
Now my older children are 11 and 13. My first teenager has bouts of intense love for me and intense anger about anything. He will just come up to me and hug me and tell me that he loves me. The next day, he will tell me I am ruining his life. I continue to follow my heart and love him everyday, and let him know it. I love hearing about everything that is going on in his life – as much as he is willing to share with me. I keep an open mind and let him know of my availability to him to talk about anything. I respect his privacy and his decisions. We have made certain agreements about his being able to call me and have me fish him out of any uncomfortable situation he finds himself in – no questions asked – no punishment offered. He is teaching me everyday, again, about growing up and being a teenager – about separation and attachment.
What he is going through is strikingly similar to what my toddler is going through. Two steps forward, one step back. Independent one day, leaning on me the next. Growing and learning about his new body and intelligence and power and strength. Learning how to handle all the new feelings in his body. Learning how his parents fit into the big picture. He is a bright, articulate, strong young man who has his future at his feet. He has every opportunity in the world before him. I have to learn patience as he takes his steps in navigating his unique journey in this world. I need to learn patience and trust in his process, and trust that he will make decisions that are right for him. I must learn when to talk and when to stay quiet.
How AP Changes as Children Grow
I take time to talk with other parents with kids the same ages. Some of these parents have been my “co-workers” in my parenting career since our older babies were the littlest of babies. Hearing what they have to say comforts me as I learn that, once again, what my children are doing is normal. Expectations must be adjusted once more, as even though our children are literally big, they are still very focused on only themselves, at times. Autonomy ebbs and flows. They move at their own pace. I must believe that what they are doing is the right thing to be doing at their age and stage of development.
Touch is still an essential tool in my parenting practices. Hugs, kisses, telling them “I love you” are daily activities. Taking affection any way I can get it from them, while understanding that it may come in odd ways – like wrestling with my boys! I continue to be emotionally available to them, at the drop of a pin. My boys keep busy, but we must be careful not to over-schedule, as they still really need their down time. I must learn more about being involved without being intrusive.
Babies, toddlers, and adolescents – strikingly similar. Parenting through it all and following my children’s lead has been my mantra. I make decisions based on what works for today. I continue to follow my heart and my instincts. I may make mistakes along the way, all of this is part of learning. I understand now how quickly they grow, and I cherish my time with all three of my sons – knowing one day they will be gone from my home and in their own with children of their own…and I will miss them tremendously.
I made myself available to them whenever they needed. I tried to not interfere with their burgeoning independence. I tried not to act hurt when they acted like I was a “stupid woman.”
By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)
For many people, grandparenting comes as easy as the love they felt for their own children.
But not all grandparents live close enough to visit their grandchildren frequently, often thought of as a key to developing a strong emotional bond. Furthermore, some grandchildren, or their parents, have very full schedules that can make visits by even nearby grandparents challenging. Here are some tips adapted for grandparents wanting to stay in touch with their grandchildren:
Visit regularly, if not often – Visiting your grandchildren doesn’t have to be frequent, as long as it’s meaningful. Have a good time with your grandchildren when you visit them or when they come for visits. Help them to look forward to the next visit by planning a loose schedule with their parents.
Stay in touch between visits – Use the phone, e-mail, and letters through the postal mail to provide a personal way to stay in touch with grandchildren between visits. Send photos and cards.
Show your grandchildren how much you miss them – Put photos of your grandchildren in frames on the shelf or on the fridge. Make a special photo album of special times spent with your grandchildren, and allow your grandchildren to flip through it when they visit.
Share a hobby, teach a skill – When your grandchildren visit, engage them in helping your with chores or get them started with one of your hobbies. Help them make a craft they can take home. When you call them next or send a letter, you can ask them about what they learned or thank them for their help around the house.
Chart a family tree – Tell your grandchildren stories about their relatives, especially their parents. Tell them about their ancestors and their heritage. Help them to create a family tree or scrapbook.
Connecting with our children for a more compassionate world.
