All posts by The Attached Family

Mentally Ill Parents More Likely to Form Insecure Attachments with Their Children

From API’s Publications Team

familyAccording to an article on InTheNews.co.uk, “One in Four Aussie Kids Have Parent with Mental Illness,” mentally ill parents are more likely to form insecure attachments with their children.

A study published in the January 6 Psychiatric Bulletin explains the correlation between the more severe mental illnesses and less sensitive and competent parenting, insecure infant attachment, lower quality bonds between mother and child, and a greater risk of mental illness developing in the children. However, the authors stress that mental illness in parents does not guarantee poor outcomes in children, only that there appears to be a greater risk.

To read the entire article, go to www.inthenews.co.uk/news/health/autocodes/autocodes/australia/one-in-four-aussie-kids-have-parent-with-mental-illness–$1258690.htm.

Do Two Halves Make a Whole?

By Isabelle Fox, PhD, author of Being There and Growing Up and member of API’s Advisory Board

**Originally published in the Fall 2006 Divorce & Single Parenting issue of The Journal of API

Custody BattlesI frequently receive e-mail from parents who practice Attachment Parenting (AP) across the United States and in other countries asking for help and support in custody cases when they are contemplating shared joint custody of their infants, toddlers, and preschool children.

Most of the communications come from single moms who never married or were married only briefly. They often have a poor working alliance with the child’s father and have been unable to establish or maintain a loving, committed relationship with him. As a result, finding an equitable and responsible solution to child custody issues can become a low priority. Money, support payments, anger and/or resentment may be the underlying cause of the conflict.

The best interest of the child is often forgotten. It is tragic that courts and lawyers are frequently insensitive or unaware of the developmental needs of infants and toddlers who lack the language to express their anxieties, stresses, and concerns. Continue reading Do Two Halves Make a Whole?

In Search of Support: My Experience as a Single AP Mom

By Christy Farr Ferrelli, former executive director of API

**Originally published in the Fall 2006 Divorce & Single Parenting issue of The Journal of API

The Many Faces of Single ParentingMy experience as a single attachment parent started when my son was 19 months old and I was seven and one-half months pregnant with my daughter.

The Attachment Parenting (AP) practices that I chose before my divorce, such as breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and babywearing, become more like survival tactics for me as a single parent.

In my experience, the primary obstacle to AP single parenting is a monumental lack of resources. Continue reading In Search of Support: My Experience as a Single AP Mom

Duty Calls: An AP Single Parent’s Slice of Life

By Hazel Larkin

**Originally published in the Fall 2006 Divorce & Single Parenting issue of The Journal of API

Slice of LifeAs the lone parent of two little girls four years old and two years old, one of the hardest things I find about doing it on my own is the fact that I am constantly “on duty.”

I knew an AP couple when I lived in Singapore, and I remember watching, with more than a tinge of jealousy, as they ping-ponged responsibility for their child between them. It was their daughter’s first birthday, and they were hosting a poolside party at their apartment complex. AS one parent moved away to tend to a guest, bring food, or tend to something else, he would call out the other parent that she was now “on.” For example, the mother would simply call out to her husband, “Peter, you’re on!” and he knew that he needed to keep an eye on their daughter. It was a system that worked beautifully for them, and one that I wished I could emulate.

Being attentive and attached to your children is draining, and when you never have a day off, it can be very tempting to just dump them in front of the television and make phone calls for an hour. As an attached parent, however, this course of action simply isn’t an option. I get through my bad days by reminding myself that I am in the privileged position of raising the next generation, and this is my golden opportunity to make a real difference.

Teaching Empathy Through Gentle Discipline

By Tamara Parnay

**Originally published in the Fall 2006 Divorce & Single Parenting issue of The Journal of API

Mom and sonOur children model our behavior. When surrounded by people who love them and respond to them sensitively and empathetically, they learn to respond this way to others. In my view, the API principle of Responding with Sensitivity best illustrates the concept of Attachment Parenting (AP). I may or may not adhere to all the principles of AP, but if emotional responsiveness does not permeate my parenting, then I question whether I can cultivate a strong bond with my children.

What if I am consistently emotionally responsive to my family, but I don’t make the effort to regularly model sensitivity to others outside my family? I can’t help wondering how this impacts my children’s emotional and moral development.

I’m not a die-hard Star Trek fan, but there is an episode that’s my favorite, one that’s always stayed with me: “The Empath.” As a child, I was mesmerized by this being who could feel and absorb other people’s pain. I remember her big, emotion-filled, empathic eyes and imagined that she could curl herself up around me, listen to me, and make me feel loved, drawing from me all my childhood pains. Continue reading Teaching Empathy Through Gentle Discipline

Chaos Theory: The Search for Personal Balance Amidst Parenthood

By Lu Hanessian, author of Let the Baby Drive and member of API’s Board of Directors

**Originally published in the Winter 2006-07 Balance issue of The Journal of API

Lu
Lu

A while back, I hosted a travel show on television. It was a crazy, chaotic time in my life. Traveled so much that I once reached for my seatbelt in a movie theater. Anchored live TV wearing an earpiece in which I could hear the director screaming to producers in the control room when they lost the live satellite feed while I conducted an interview in the studio. Witnessed an industry of smoke and mirrors where the carrot at the end of the stick was designed to be permanently out of reach.

Still, on a good day, I thought I had things pretty much under control.

Then I had a baby – a deeply tender and wise boy who stared long at me the moment he was born as if to say, “Work with me, Ma.” Popular opinion wasn’t popular with him. He urged me to redefine everything I knew. Little did I know, this was a good thing. Continue reading Chaos Theory: The Search for Personal Balance Amidst Parenthood

Striving for Balance in Family Life

By Tamara Parnay

**Originally published in the Winter 2006-07 Balance issue of The Journal of API

BalanceMany attachment parents say that the API Principle, Striving for Personal and Family Balance, is the cornerstone of Attachment Parenting (AP). We tend to be less emotionally responsive when we are struggling to achieve balance in our families, and this lack of responsiveness may impact the quality of attachment between us and our children. We may need help when our family life is out of balance, but the wide range of parenting advice can be confusing, even overwhelming.

The topic of parenting contains a wide spectrum of theories, values, ideals, opinions, and experiences. So much mainstream parenting advice seems to contradict the very essence of AP that we may sometimes feel as though we are swimming upstream against a very strong current.

Parent-Centered Parenting

We are told that extended breastfeeding is unhealthy or abnormal; that co-sleeping is dangerous; that being emotionally responsive to our children’s physical and emotional needs spoils them and fosters their dependence on us; that we need to fill our lives with activities and things rather than with each other; and so on. Continue reading Striving for Balance in Family Life

Being There for Our Children and Others Through Empathic Parenting

By Tamara Parnay

**Originally published in the Winter 2006-07 Balance issue of The Journal of API

Tamara and baby

When I was a child, I was fascinated by people and characters like “The Empath” on the Star Trek television series, who showed great empathy. I wanted to be like them but I was unable to think much beyond my own needs.

Now that I’m a mother, I find myself experiencing the mighty feelings of unconditional love that an attached mother has for her little ones. It is a type of love I once thought I was incapable of giving.

Because I want to be a good role model for my children, I need to extend a certain degree of empathy toward those with whom I cross paths. Continue reading Being There for Our Children and Others Through Empathic Parenting

Managing Anger: What to Do When You Want to Have a Tantrum

By Tricia Jalbert

**Originally published in the June 2000 issue of API News

AngryIt’s one thing to understand how remaining calm, supportive and objective can be a great service to our children and another thing to do it when we’re exhausted, frazzled, and sleep-deprived.

It’s also another matter when the emotional wounds from our own childhoods come roaring forth like a fire-breathing dragon. Until one has children, it’s often easy to escape the darker parts of our personality. Yet, once we become a parent, we are often so tired or pushed or overwhelmed that those darker sides we’d rather not acknowledge make all-too-frequent appearances. Fortunately, these events can mark some important growing points and can provide opportunities to help ourselves and our children work through difficult feelings.

So What’s a Parent To Do?

Children learn from watching how you deal with your own feelings, just as they learn by watching how you deal with theirs. While you wouldn’t want to saddle your child with inappropriate exposure to your adult issues and emotions, it is not unhealthy for them to simply see you angry. It’s what you do when you are angry, and how you manage your intensity, that are important. Showing healthy responses to strong emotions teaches children that these emotions can be expressed and managed safely. Continue reading Managing Anger: What to Do When You Want to Have a Tantrum

Dear New Moms

By Pam Stone, co-leader of API of Merrimack Valley, New Hampshire

**Originally published in the Spring 2007 annual New Baby issue of The Journal of API

New MomWelcome to Motherhood!

Many times people will tell you to enjoy these times, because they go by so fast. It may be hard to imagine, as you struggle to function through exhaustion and frustration, that you will look back at this time as warm and beautiful. But you will.

When your daughter wakes you for the fifth time tonight to nurse, gaze into her eyes and remember that sleepy, milky grin. When your arms ache from carrying her for hours, but she wakes at the slightest hint that you may sit down, marvel at her precious innocence and her relaxed body, so tiny that she snuggles comfortably in the nook of your arm. Continue reading Dear New Moms