All posts by The Attached Family

2. The Infant, 3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent

Decoding Tantrums

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By Stephanie Petters, leader of API of North Fulton, Georgia

**Originally published in the Spring 2007 annual New Baby issue of The Journal of API

TantrumWhen a parent utters the word tantrum to another parent, the reaction is either a supportive smile or a grimace of dread; I have yet to see or hear another parent respond with glee. And really, who blames her? Until recently, tantrums were considered manipulation by the child to control the parent.

Times are changing, and the subject of childhood tantrums has new meaning and insight for parents. We now understand the reasons and/or causes of tantrums, how to effectively manage them while remaining connected to our children, and how to take preventive action for the tantrums that you can control.

What is a Tantrum?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a tantrum is a fit of a bad temper. Connection Parenting, by Pam Leo, defines a temper tantrum as a spillover of emotions, while the tantrum is the release of the accumulated hurts not seen by the parents. In Elizabeth Pantley’s Gentle Baby Care, a baby tantrum is defined as an abrupt and sudden loss of emotional control. Continue reading Decoding Tantrums →

1. Pregnancy & Birth, 2. The Infant, Special Circumstances: Multiples, Adoption & Special Needs, The Editor's Desk

AP from a Preemie Mom’s Perspective

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By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

**Originally published in the Spring 2007 annual New Baby issue of The Journal of API

Rita doing Kangaroo Care with Rachel
Rita doing Kangaroo Care with Rachel

It was a big day for me, my husband, and my daughter. In mid-January, seven months after Rachel was born, when she had reached 18 1/2 pounds and 26 inches long, her pulmonologist told us she was ready to come off the cardio/respirations apnea monitor that had been a constant part of her life since she left the hospital five months earlier. I was nervous, but her doctor told me that it was OK – in all his many years of practice, he had never seen a healthier looking preemie than Rachel.

It was a great compliment. My daughter was born in June at 30 weeks gestation, due to a significant placental abruption, a serious pregnancy complication in which the placenta prematurely separates from the uterus. Weighing three and one-half pounds and measuring 16 inches long, Rachel was nearly three months early.

A Traumatic Start

I had been planning a drug-free childbirth, but what I got was anything but easy, natural, and beautiful. It was traumatic for me, both emotionally and physically. I had been in the hospital for four days after hemorrhaging, and I was being treated with several anti-labor drugs, one of which (magnesium sulfate) left me so weak that I required oxygen. I was given an epidural in case I needed a C-section, and I had an episiotomy that became a fourth-degree tear and later acquired an infection. This was not the childbirth of my birth plan. Continue reading AP from a Preemie Mom’s Perspective →

1. Pregnancy & Birth, 2. The Infant, Special Circumstances: Multiples, Adoption & Special Needs

Traci’s Story: Developing an Appreciation for Bottle-feeding

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By Traci Singree, leader of API of Stark County, Ohio

**Originally published in the Spring 2007 annual New Baby issue of The Journal of API

Traci and baby
Traci and baby

Before my children, I was career driven, working in retail management, which meant no family time at holiday or summer get-togethers because I was always working! And I loved it! I met my husband right out of college. We were together for about five years before we got married. In 1995, we were wed. I continued my course of 12-hour days, sometimes 6-day work weeks, and I was having a blast working in the fast-paced field of fashion retail.

About five years later, my husband and I were starting to get that something’s missing feeling, having done all the things we wanted to do. We found ourselves sitting around the house looking at each other on weekends saying, “What do you want to do?” round and round until we decided that maybe that something missing was a baby!

It took us nearly a year to conceive our first-born. We discovered I was pregnant the day of my first fertility appointment. My only knowledge of pregnancy came from what I had heard from my mother or from fellow co-workers with children. I never really researched anything to do with birthing or babies until late in my pregnancy. Continue reading Traci’s Story: Developing an Appreciation for Bottle-feeding →

Secondary Attachments: Fathers, Grandparents & Other Loved Ones

The Right Stuff: How AP Changed One Father’s Priorities

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By Greg Stone

**Originally published in the Summer 2007 Secondary Attachments issue of The Journal of API

Greg and Sophia
Greg and Sophia

How nice it would be if we didn’t need jobs! Every morning we would wake up saying, “What should we do today? Let’s go have some fun!” But alas, for most of us jobs are a reality if we want to keep a roof over our heads and our bellies full. So we must make the best of it.

I’m an airline pilot, and I consider myself very lucky. Everyone has heard the fascinating stories about pilots who only work four days a month, only fly to exotic destinations, and spend their downtime vacationing at their ski lodges in Aspen. I can assure you that those tales are a stretch.

But being a pilot is, for the most part, a fun career. I have more time off than a normal nine-to-five job offers. I’m fortunate to occasionally travel to some exciting places, and there are times when I can take one week of vacation time and juggle my schedule to turn it into three weeks off. My family and I are able to travel every once in a while, and we do it at very reduced ticket prices. But it’s not all roses. Continue reading The Right Stuff: How AP Changed One Father’s Priorities →

2. The Infant, Secondary Attachments: Fathers, Grandparents & Other Loved Ones

The Secondary Attachment: A Look at Bowlby’s Theory

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By Sir Richard Bowlby, Bt, member of API’s Advisory Council

**Originally published in the Summer 2007 Secondary Attachments issue of The Journal of API

Father and BabyI remember my father saying to me in 1968, “You know this business about the instinct for a small child to stay close to its mother, and the intimate bond they form? Well, I believe that it’s the same instinct to form close bonds that stays with us all our lives, and we, as adults, suffer the same feelings of loss when a loved one dies, as a child feels who’s lost its mother.”

My father focused mostly on the primary attachment relationship between an infant and the person raising him because the limited data he had at the time pointed toward its greater significance to the long-term mental health outcome of the child than to any other relationship.

But what about other relationships? For instance, what’s the difference between adults who are close friends and adults who have a secondary attachment bond to each other, such as siblings or close relatives? There are several differences, but one is that friends usually share a particular activity or interest that maintains their friendship (work or pleasure), whereas simply being in the company of a secondary attachment figure is usually sufficient in itself for both people to feel content. Continue reading The Secondary Attachment: A Look at Bowlby’s Theory →

Secondary Attachments: Fathers, Grandparents & Other Loved Ones

Living Proof: An Older Father Grows Up

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By Dennis Lockard

**Originally published in the Summer 2007 Secondary Attachments issue of The Journal of API

Jack and Dennis
Jack and Dennis

Several months before the birth of our son Jack, my wife Liz started talking about using a sling instead of a stroller, nursing until he was ready to stop (as long as it takes – even three to four years!), and having the baby sleep in our bed. She went on to list a few other parenting ideas, including giving away a perfectly good Pack ‘n Play that we had somehow acquired.

At first, I thought she had lost her mind, but I later learned that among other ideas that she referred to as “natural living,” she was relating the principles of Attachment Parenting (AP), a completely foreign concept to me.

So, not only was I going to be a first-time father at 46 (which was going to be hard enough), but I also had to think about many parenting practices that were counter-intuitive to me. Continue reading Living Proof: An Older Father Grows Up →

1. Pregnancy & Birth, 2. The Infant, Secondary Attachments: Fathers, Grandparents & Other Loved Ones

Small Blessings: A Father Recalls His Preemie Daughter’s Birth

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By Mike Brhel

**Originally published in the Summer 2007 Secondary Attachments issue of The Journal of API

Mike and Rachel
Mike and Rachel

My wife and I had always wanted a family. We had tried for a child during the first few years of our marriage, but nothing ever happened. We decided to leave it up to God; He would give us a child when the time was right. That time came in December of 2005, confirmed by those two distinct lines.

I was thrilled to become a father and could hardly contain my excitement. This made it extremely difficult to wait to tell friends and family the good news until we were sure that the pregnancy would go to term. After a slight scare in the first trimester, everything was going as expected.

On the morning of June 6, everything changed. Continue reading Small Blessings: A Father Recalls His Preemie Daughter’s Birth →

3. The Toddler, Secondary Attachments: Fathers, Grandparents & Other Loved Ones, Solo Parenting: Divorced & Single Parents

Seasons of Change: Helping a Child When Work Takes a Parent Away

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By Pam Stone, co-leader of API of Merrimack Valley, New Hampshire

**Originally published in the Summer 2007 Secondary Attachments issue of The Journal of API

Pam and Sophia
Pam and Sophia

Our week begins when I first utter the phrase, “Daddy’s coming home this sleep!” to our three-year-old daughter Sophia. Our “weeks” vary in length. Sometimes, they are as short as four days. Other times they are as long as ten days. This variation creates challenges for developing a true “routine,” but each week flows through four “seasons.”

Spring: The Anticipation of Daddy Coming

The family dynamic instantly changes as we smell the first hints of the week’s spring air. I repeat the phrase “Daddy’s coming home this sleep!” often over the next 24 hours, and we play a fun game of words where she’ll ask slyly, “When is Daddy coming home?” just so that I must say it again and we can sing and dance and run happily around the room. She asks me to call him on the phone, and if I can catch him between flights she’ll ask him, “Daddy, when are you coming home?” and then giggle wildly when he says “This sleep!”

It’s hard to settle for bed this night knowing the excitement the next day will bring, and we don’t get nearly enough sleep. If his flight doesn’t arrive until the afternoon, the morning is a difficult struggle to understand why we can’t leave “RIGHT NOW!” and we often leave several hours early for the airport, running every errand I can conjure “on the way.” Continue reading Seasons of Change: Helping a Child When Work Takes a Parent Away →

Secondary Attachments: Fathers, Grandparents & Other Loved Ones

Is Primary Attachment Better than Secondary Attachment?

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From API’s Publications Team

**Originally published in the Summer 2007 Secondary Attachments issue of The Journal of API

FatherThe term “secondary attachment” can be interpreted erroneously to mean “less important,” but Attachment Parenting International refutes this definition.

Primary vs. Secondary

According to the API Research Group, the term “secondary attachment” is used to describe those outside the primary figure with whom a person has formed an attachment. This differentiates them from others who are close friends but with whom there is no attachment bond.

The primary attachment bond is formed with the person most involved in rapidly responding to a baby’s cries and who initiates social play during the first seven months of his life. Regular rituals, especially those associated with nighttime parenting, also seem important when establishing the primary attachment bonds. Continue reading Is Primary Attachment Better than Secondary Attachment? →

2. The Infant

Crying and Comforting

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By Pam Stone, co-leader of API of Merrimack Valley, New Hampshire

**Originally published in the Summer 2008 AP in a Non-AP World issue of The Journal of API

Comforting the CryingAll babies cry. And all parents are continually striving to find the best way to respond to those cries.

Unfortunately, there is an abundance of misguided information about how to best respond to a crying baby; sometimes friends, family members, and even health practitioners may push advice upon parents that has not been well-researched.

Babies are born with brains that are only 25 percent of their full-grown size. Ninety percent of post-birth brain growth occurs in the first five years of life, influenced greatly by each interaction between the child and his caregivers. Brain connections are formed based on life experiences, particularly emotional experiences. If a child is not consistently comforted when in distress, his brain will not form the vital pathways that will help him learn to manage his own emotions and impulses. This can have a lasting impact into adulthood. Continue reading Crying and Comforting →