**Originally published in the Spring 2008 New Baby issue of The Journal of API
Heather’s children
Being a parent comes with a fair share of challenges and rewards. Being a parent to twins seems to mean twice as many challenges and twice as many rewards! One of the guiding beliefs of API is that every family is unique, with unique needs and resources. I have found this to be completely true.
I practiced Attachment Parenting (AP) before I even knew what the term meant. When my first child was born, it seemed natural to meet his needs in a way that encouraged him to trust me and fostered a greater bond between us. Over time, I found more and more benefits to this style of parenting and knew that my instincts were correct when I wanted to hold my baby and nurture him.
In April 2006, I gave birth to identical twin girls in my bedroom as my older children watched. My other children are both boys and they were ages three and one at the time. I knew that our life was going to change when the twins arrived but really had no idea what daily life would be like for our family. I don’t think anything could have fully prepared me for the next two years. Continue reading Twins Plus Two→
**Originally published in the Spring 2008 New Baby issue of The Journal of API
Owen, Liam, and Aiden
Aiden was seven and a half when Owen was born, and almost ten when Liam was born. He had already been with us through the many adventures that had created the foundation of our lives. We didn’t set out to have our first two kids seven years apart; it just worked out that way.
Spacing Children Around College
We were undergrads in college when Aiden was born, with both Jim and I having full class schedules and part-time jobs. Aiden was there with us through college, relocating to what is now our hometown, and navigating through our first “real” jobs. He even went to work with Jim during our first summer out of school.
When Aiden was four, and our feet were firmly planted in our jobs and new house, we considered having more children. Just when I had become attached to the idea of having another child to love, I got the opportunity to go back to school for a master’s degree. Other than us wanting another child, it was the perfect time to go, and my employer would pay for it. Continue reading Sibling Spacing: Five-Plus Years Apart Means More Time with Each Child→
By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)
**Originally published in the Spring 2008 New Baby issue of The Journal of API
Rachel and her doll
I love babies, especially the newborns. I love breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, the whole shebang. When other mothers can hardly stand to get through those first couple months of irregular schedules and sleep deprivation, of crazy diaper explosions and unpredictable spit-up sessions, I am soaking it all in – the comfort of knowing that I am all my little one needs, at least for a little while. For all the challenges my oldest daughter, Rachel, threw my way during her first year of life, the joys and amazement of becoming a parent far outweighed the negatives.
When Rachel turned eight months old, I turned to my husband Mike and said that I thought it’d be fun to have a baby every year. The next month, we found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t planned, but it was wonderful news. There was a problem, however, in that Rachel was far too young to comprehend what it meant to have a new baby brother or sister. Throughout the pregnancy, I tried to introduce the concept of a “baby” to her. I pointed out babies in books and on the TV. I wrapped up one of her stuffed animals in a diaper and blanket. We visited a friend with a newborn baby.
Reality Sets In
In my ninth month of pregnancy, I began to worry about how bringing home a new baby would affect my 16-month-old daughter. How would Rachel handle living with Grandma in an unfamiliar house while I was in the hospital? How would she deal with me being unable to lift her and hold her for eight weeks after a medically necessary cesarean section? How would she cope with not being the sole center of my universe? Continue reading Sibling Spacing: One Year Apart, Too Close or Just Right?→
**Originally published in the Fall 2007 Special Needs issue of The Journal of API
Jackie
Jackie informed me yesterday that when she has her own children she will never tell them “no.” Never. I smiled and wished her luck with that. Then, today after school, she informed me that she thinks she might sometimes need to tell them “no.” Sometimes.
Jackie is a healthy, mostly happy 11-year-old child with special needs. What makes her unique is that she has pervasive developmental disorder. She has some autistic features mixed with a possible mood disorder, though some days I wonder if her mood swings are more related to her approaching coming-of-age. I do not believe there can be anything more emotional that impending menstrual cycles for a young pre-teen. Sigh. When did I become the mother of a pre-teen?
About PDD
The diagnostic category of pervasive developmental disorders (PDD) refers to a group of disorders characterized by delays in the development of socialization and communication skills. Parents may note symptoms as early as infancy, although the typical age of onset is before three years of age. Symptoms may include problems with using and understanding language; difficulty relating to people, objects, and events; unusual play with toys and other objects; difficulty with changes in routine or familiar surroundings; and repetitive body movements or behavior patterns.
Autism is the most characteristic and best-studied form of PDD. Other types of PDD include Asperger’s syndrome (a high-functioning form of autism in children who generally have high IQs), Childhood disintegrative disorder (in which a child may develop fairly normally until 18 to 36 months and then begin to regress, especially in speech and social interaction), and Rett’s syndrome (a neurodevelopmental disorder found almost exclusively in females and characterized by normal early development followed by loss of purposeful use of the hands, distinctive hand movements, slowed brain and head growth, gut-associated lymphoid tissue abnormalities, seizures, and mental retardation).
Children with PDD vary widely in abilities, intelligence, and behaviors. Some children don’t speak at all, others speak in limited phrases or conversations, and some have relatively normal language development. Repetitive play skills and limited social skills are generally evident. Unusual responses to sensory information, such as loud noises and lights, are also common.
Practicing Attachment Parenting has enabled us to be more responsive and more intuitive to Jackie’s needs. My husband and I can often sense what she needs from us and her environment, which is key to our preventing meltdowns and struggles.
We also feel strongly that we help her by having a support system for us. We rely on a support team including family, friends, and people from the school system who work with Jackie. Sometimes we need respite care, an extra set of hands, or a parents’ night out. Our sitters are well trained to work with children like Jackie, and all of our kids look forward to the special playtime. We enjoy coming home relaxed and rejuvenated, and know we are in a better place to cope with any challenges that might arise.
Different is OK
One of the hardest challenges with raising a special needs child is trying to keep people, including us as her parents, from attempting to force her into being a “typical” child. Jackie is different. She will always be different, and I celebrate that difference.
That said, it’s not all roses. There are some thorns. We have struggled with defining what Jackie needs in her school environment. We have also struggled with therapists and psychiatrists who have tried a one-size-fits-all approach to Jackie’s challenges, including the use of medications.
A Trial of Medication
We resisted using any medications for a long time, despite the pressures. When we had our fourth child, things really bottomed out for her. She was in such emotional pain. We decided it was unfair to not at least investigate and try medications. We started out with high hopes, but soon realized that our daughter had become a proverbial guinea pig.
We tried half a dozen medications over the course of 18 months. I know some children receive relief from medication, but Jackie never did. In fact, they had a negative effect on her system and she seemed even worse. It was heartbreaking. We ended the experiment and weaned her off all medication.
Jackie hit a new low while weaning from the medications. Then, after a month, she seemed herself again. She became more in control of her emotions and behaviors, and her humor returned (something I hadn’t quite realized how much I’d missed). She seemed settled. I cannot quite explain it, but she just seemed more like the daughter that we knew and loved – quirks and all.
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
It’s been about six months, and Jackie continues to improve. She takes two steps forward, then one back (sometimes three back), and then she makes progress again. She was recently able to transition from the special needs school bus to the regular school bus, which was an important milestone for her.
No matter how hard we attempt to prepare her to be confident with her special needs, as she gets older there will always be the pull to be more like a “typical” children. She will always want to be “normal.” We embrace Jackie as she is. We have taught all of our children that we are each unique, and we encourage them to be accepting of others, even those who face challenges that make them difficult to deal with.
By Dedra Keoshian. leader of API of Stark County, Ohio
Author Dedra & family
The other day, I was in the midst of scrambling around the kitchen, preparing everyone’s breakfast according to their unique requests. James, 4, wanted pancakes. Neil, 17 months, was pointing to the bananas. I was making a fried egg sandwich on Ezekiel Muffins for myself and urging James to get dressed while I made the meals. My husband, Ed, had left for work hours ago. I had yet to drink in any fuel, a.k.a. coffee, and was feeling the lava mount in my stomach.
By the time James had eaten his pancakes and Neil had scarfed his banana, my sandwich was finally being assembled. Then came the screams for “More! More!” and “You forgot my water!” Now, I will unashamedly admit that I am a grumpy monster in the morning, and I was about to lose it. But something in me said, “Take some breaths, you are the adult here.”
As the oxygen flowed to my brain, I turned to James and said, “How many mom-moms are here?” He said, “One.” And I said, “How many people are in this room and need to be taken care of right now?” He said, “Two.” I replied, “No, there are three people in this room. There is you, Baby Neil, and me. Someone has to take care of me, too. So, I have to take care of all three of us. You have gotten to eat breakfast and Neil has gotten to eat, but I have had nothing. Mom-moms need food, too.”
As parents, we sacrifice everything for our children. As spouses, we must sacrifice for our marriages. We nurture these relationships and tend carefully to them, as constant gardeners. But, as women, we often forget to nurture ourselves. We, too, need mothers. We must learn to mother ourselves, meaning that we must treat ourselves as persons who have needs that must be met in order to be physically and emotionally healthy.
This is the best gift that we can give our children. They need to see that even mom-moms are persons of value, with unique needs, concerns, and qualities. Everyone is important equally. By showing children how we care for ourselves, they will learn to care for themselves. They will grow to be mothers who nurture themselves so that they can nurture their children and partners. They will grow to be fathers who love themselves, their children, and who support their partners.
I think that, too often, we look to others to step in if they see we need something. We are slow to ask. But just as we are advocates for our children, we should be advocates for ourselves. Taking just a small amount of time each day to clear our minds, evaluate our hearts, or just veg out can nourish us to continue to give daily, hourly. This will look different for each mother. Look honestly at what your needs are and set a plan for meeting those needs. Maybe it’s half an hour in the bath, uninterrupted; perhaps an hour at a coffee shop with a friend or a good book. Whatever is right for you, demand it. You deserve it; your children deserve it!
As mothers, we sacrifice everything for our children. As wives, we must sacrifice for our marriages. We nurture these relationships and tend carefully to them, as constant gardeners. But, as women, we often forget to nurture ourselves.
By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)
Perhaps you and your spouse have decided that stay-at-home parenting is valuable for your family, and you’re trying to decide who, between you, is the best fit for the job. According to About.com’s Dawn Rosenberg McKay her article “Stay-at-Home Dads,” there are several factors that need to be considered:
Which parent earns more money?
Which parent has the better health insurance policy?
Which parent stands to lose more by taking time off from his or her career?
Can either parent switch to part time or a more flexible schedule?
Can either parent work from home?
Don’t be surprised if the better fit is Dad. Today, more than ever, more fathers are choosing to forgo their breadwinner roles to embrace the homemaking, child-rearing tasks of the stay-at-home parent. The tide is changing: At one time, not too long ago, “Mr. Mom” was said in jest about a father who had to stay at home with his children, even for a short period of time; today, it’s considered an offensive label put on men who freely choose this family role.
According to the latest U.S. Census report, 143,000 of the 5.4 million stay-at-home parents nationwide are men. A slight proportion compared to women, but the number of stay-at-home fathers is growing. There are now enough stay-at-home dads out there to warrant support groups or father-only playgroups in some local areas, such as Seattle Stay-at-Home Dads and At Home Dads of Greater Dallas; and websites devoted to stay-at-home dads are populating the Internet, such as www.rebeldad.com, www.dadstaysathome.com, and www.daddytypes.com.
Connecting with our children for a more compassionate world.
