**Originally published in the Fall 2006 Divorce & Single Parenting issue of The Journal of API
Our children model our behavior. When surrounded by people who love them and respond to them sensitively and empathetically, they learn to respond this way to others. In my view, the API principle of Responding with Sensitivity best illustrates the concept of Attachment Parenting (AP). I may or may not adhere to all the principles of AP, but if emotional responsiveness does not permeate my parenting, then I question whether I can cultivate a strong bond with my children.
What if I am consistently emotionally responsive to my family, but I don’t make the effort to regularly model sensitivity to others outside my family? I can’t help wondering how this impacts my children’s emotional and moral development.
I’m not a die-hard Star Trek fan, but there is an episode that’s my favorite, one that’s always stayed with me: “The Empath.” As a child, I was mesmerized by this being who could feel and absorb other people’s pain. I remember her big, emotion-filled, empathic eyes and imagined that she could curl herself up around me, listen to me, and make me feel loved, drawing from me all my childhood pains. Continue reading Teaching Empathy Through Gentle Discipline→
By Lu Hanessian, author of Let the Baby Drive and member of API’s Board of Directors
**Originally published in the Winter 2006-07 Balance issue of The Journal of API
Lu
A while back, I hosted a travel show on television. It was a crazy, chaotic time in my life. Traveled so much that I once reached for my seatbelt in a movie theater. Anchored live TV wearing an earpiece in which I could hear the director screaming to producers in the control room when they lost the live satellite feed while I conducted an interview in the studio. Witnessed an industry of smoke and mirrors where the carrot at the end of the stick was designed to be permanently out of reach.
Still, on a good day, I thought I had things pretty much under control.
Then I had a baby – a deeply tender and wise boy who stared long at me the moment he was born as if to say, “Work with me, Ma.” Popular opinion wasn’t popular with him. He urged me to redefine everything I knew. Little did I know, this was a good thing. Continue reading Chaos Theory: The Search for Personal Balance Amidst Parenthood→
**Originally published in the Winter 2006-07 Balance issue of The Journal of API
Many attachment parents say that the API Principle, Striving for Personal and Family Balance, is the cornerstone of Attachment Parenting (AP). We tend to be less emotionally responsive when we are struggling to achieve balance in our families, and this lack of responsiveness may impact the quality of attachment between us and our children. We may need help when our family life is out of balance, but the wide range of parenting advice can be confusing, even overwhelming.
The topic of parenting contains a wide spectrum of theories, values, ideals, opinions, and experiences. So much mainstream parenting advice seems to contradict the very essence of AP that we may sometimes feel as though we are swimming upstream against a very strong current.
Parent-Centered Parenting
We are told that extended breastfeeding is unhealthy or abnormal; that co-sleeping is dangerous; that being emotionally responsive to our children’s physical and emotional needs spoils them and fosters their dependence on us; that we need to fill our lives with activities and things rather than with each other; and so on. Continue reading Striving for Balance in Family Life→
**Originally published in the Winter 2006-07 Balance issue of The Journal of API
When I was a child, I was fascinated by people and characters like “The Empath” on the Star Trek television series, who showed great empathy. I wanted to be like them but I was unable to think much beyond my own needs.
Now that I’m a mother, I find myself experiencing the mighty feelings of unconditional love that an attached mother has for her little ones. It is a type of love I once thought I was incapable of giving.
**Originally published in the June 2000 issue of API News
It’s one thing to understand how remaining calm, supportive and objective can be a great service to our children and another thing to do it when we’re exhausted, frazzled, and sleep-deprived.
It’s also another matter when the emotional wounds from our own childhoods come roaring forth like a fire-breathing dragon. Until one has children, it’s often easy to escape the darker parts of our personality. Yet, once we become a parent, we are often so tired or pushed or overwhelmed that those darker sides we’d rather not acknowledge make all-too-frequent appearances. Fortunately, these events can mark some important growing points and can provide opportunities to help ourselves and our children work through difficult feelings.
So What’s a Parent To Do?
Children learn from watching how you deal with your own feelings, just as they learn by watching how you deal with theirs. While you wouldn’t want to saddle your child with inappropriate exposure to your adult issues and emotions, it is not unhealthy for them to simply see you angry. It’s what you do when you are angry, and how you manage your intensity, that are important. Showing healthy responses to strong emotions teaches children that these emotions can be expressed and managed safely. Continue reading Managing Anger: What to Do When You Want to Have a Tantrum→
By Stephanie Petters, leader of API of North Fulton, Georgia
**Originally published in the Spring 2007 annual New Baby issue of The Journal of API
When a parent utters the word tantrum to another parent, the reaction is either a supportive smile or a grimace of dread; I have yet to see or hear another parent respond with glee. And really, who blames her? Until recently, tantrums were considered manipulation by the child to control the parent.
Times are changing, and the subject of childhood tantrums has new meaning and insight for parents. We now understand the reasons and/or causes of tantrums, how to effectively manage them while remaining connected to our children, and how to take preventive action for the tantrums that you can control.
What is a Tantrum?
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a tantrum is a fit of a bad temper. Connection Parenting, by Pam Leo, defines a temper tantrum as a spillover of emotions, while the tantrum is the release of the accumulated hurts not seen by the parents. In Elizabeth Pantley’s Gentle Baby Care, a baby tantrum is defined as an abrupt and sudden loss of emotional control. Continue reading Decoding Tantrums→
By Naomi Aldort, author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves
**Originally published in the Spring 2008 New Baby issue of The Journal of API
“Mommy, why do you need another Yonatan?” asked my first-born, looking at my growing belly. I hugged him and said, “I do not need another Yonatan. There is no other Yonatan. You are the only ‘you’ there will ever be, and I love you so much.”
No matter how much we explain and include a young child in welcoming his new sibling, he will not comprehend this concept any more than you would welcome another lover for your spouse.
In an extended family, the situation is a lot easier, as mom is not the only caregiver. In the nuclear family, a seven-year-old would happily welcome a new baby as a wonderful addition, but a toddler or a young child who is still seeing himself as the needy one will have a lot of inner turmoil and needs your reassurance that he is still your darling child. Continue reading Help Your Toddler Bond with the New Baby→
An article on the United Kingdom’s TimesOnline.com, “Tackle Child Obesity: Teach Mums to Eat,” explains how the solution to rising childhood obesity is in teaching parents that their eating behavior is how children themselves learn to eat.
According to a study published in the Paediatrics journal, one in four children ages four to five years old is overweight, despite normal birth weights. The reason, writes a convinced Susie Orbach, is that children are learning from their parents’ troublesome eating habits – their fear of food, preoccupation with body size, frequent dieting, and bingeing.
“You don’t have to be a psychoanalyst to know that childhood is formative and that one’s earliest eating experiences – entwined as they are with our fundamental feelings of security, love, attachment, and caring – form the basis of how we approach food and succour throughout our lives,” Orbach writes.
Continuing, she discusses how children learn to eat unhealthily from parents who eat to fill an emotional void. Children who watch their parents struggle with eating will grow up believing this is normal. These children grow up learning that eating is done not necessarily to meet a physical need but to curb negative feelings of boredom, anxiety, anger and conflict, sadness, and overexcitedness. Instead of dealing with their upset feelings, people with a tendency toward obesity turn to food for soothing, Orbach wrote.
By Juliette Oase, leader of API of Portland, Oregon
**Orginally published in the Winter 2007-08 Adoption issue of The Journal of API
Juliette, her children, and her parents
I remember the day my daughter turned two years and five months old.
The reason I remember it so well, imprinted like a stamp on my heart, is because when I was exactly that age, two years and five months old, my life came tumbling down in a way that life never should for someone that age.
At two years and five months old, I was the girl people read about on the front page of the newspaper. The tragic story of my mother’s death, shot while walking down the street in Los Angeles, not only made the nightly news but carried into the morning shows as well. People wondered, no doubt, whatever would happen to that cute little girl in the stroller…the one who watched her mother die on the street. Continue reading Two Years and Five Months: An Adoption Story→
**Originally published in the Fall 2007 Special Needs issue of The Journal of API
Jackie
Jackie informed me yesterday that when she has her own children she will never tell them “no.” Never. I smiled and wished her luck with that. Then, today after school, she informed me that she thinks she might sometimes need to tell them “no.” Sometimes.
Jackie is a healthy, mostly happy 11-year-old child with special needs. What makes her unique is that she has pervasive developmental disorder. She has some autistic features mixed with a possible mood disorder, though some days I wonder if her mood swings are more related to her approaching coming-of-age. I do not believe there can be anything more emotional that impending menstrual cycles for a young pre-teen. Sigh. When did I become the mother of a pre-teen?
About PDD
The diagnostic category of pervasive developmental disorders (PDD) refers to a group of disorders characterized by delays in the development of socialization and communication skills. Parents may note symptoms as early as infancy, although the typical age of onset is before three years of age. Symptoms may include problems with using and understanding language; difficulty relating to people, objects, and events; unusual play with toys and other objects; difficulty with changes in routine or familiar surroundings; and repetitive body movements or behavior patterns.
Autism is the most characteristic and best-studied form of PDD. Other types of PDD include Asperger’s syndrome (a high-functioning form of autism in children who generally have high IQs), Childhood disintegrative disorder (in which a child may develop fairly normally until 18 to 36 months and then begin to regress, especially in speech and social interaction), and Rett’s syndrome (a neurodevelopmental disorder found almost exclusively in females and characterized by normal early development followed by loss of purposeful use of the hands, distinctive hand movements, slowed brain and head growth, gut-associated lymphoid tissue abnormalities, seizures, and mental retardation).
Children with PDD vary widely in abilities, intelligence, and behaviors. Some children don’t speak at all, others speak in limited phrases or conversations, and some have relatively normal language development. Repetitive play skills and limited social skills are generally evident. Unusual responses to sensory information, such as loud noises and lights, are also common.
Practicing Attachment Parenting has enabled us to be more responsive and more intuitive to Jackie’s needs. My husband and I can often sense what she needs from us and her environment, which is key to our preventing meltdowns and struggles.
We also feel strongly that we help her by having a support system for us. We rely on a support team including family, friends, and people from the school system who work with Jackie. Sometimes we need respite care, an extra set of hands, or a parents’ night out. Our sitters are well trained to work with children like Jackie, and all of our kids look forward to the special playtime. We enjoy coming home relaxed and rejuvenated, and know we are in a better place to cope with any challenges that might arise.
Different is OK
One of the hardest challenges with raising a special needs child is trying to keep people, including us as her parents, from attempting to force her into being a “typical” child. Jackie is different. She will always be different, and I celebrate that difference.
That said, it’s not all roses. There are some thorns. We have struggled with defining what Jackie needs in her school environment. We have also struggled with therapists and psychiatrists who have tried a one-size-fits-all approach to Jackie’s challenges, including the use of medications.
A Trial of Medication
We resisted using any medications for a long time, despite the pressures. When we had our fourth child, things really bottomed out for her. She was in such emotional pain. We decided it was unfair to not at least investigate and try medications. We started out with high hopes, but soon realized that our daughter had become a proverbial guinea pig.
We tried half a dozen medications over the course of 18 months. I know some children receive relief from medication, but Jackie never did. In fact, they had a negative effect on her system and she seemed even worse. It was heartbreaking. We ended the experiment and weaned her off all medication.
Jackie hit a new low while weaning from the medications. Then, after a month, she seemed herself again. She became more in control of her emotions and behaviors, and her humor returned (something I hadn’t quite realized how much I’d missed). She seemed settled. I cannot quite explain it, but she just seemed more like the daughter that we knew and loved – quirks and all.
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
It’s been about six months, and Jackie continues to improve. She takes two steps forward, then one back (sometimes three back), and then she makes progress again. She was recently able to transition from the special needs school bus to the regular school bus, which was an important milestone for her.
No matter how hard we attempt to prepare her to be confident with her special needs, as she gets older there will always be the pull to be more like a “typical” children. She will always want to be “normal.” We embrace Jackie as she is. We have taught all of our children that we are each unique, and we encourage them to be accepting of others, even those who face challenges that make them difficult to deal with.
Connecting with our children for a more compassionate world.
Our children model our behavior. When surrounded by people who love them and respond to them sensitively and empathetically, they learn to respond this way to others. In my view, the API principle of Responding with Sensitivity best illustrates the concept of Attachment Parenting (AP). I may or may not adhere to all the principles of AP, but if emotional responsiveness does not permeate my parenting, then I question whether I can cultivate a strong bond with my children.
Many attachment parents say that the API Principle, Striving for Personal and Family Balance, is the cornerstone of Attachment Parenting (AP). We tend to be less emotionally responsive when we are struggling to achieve balance in our families, and this lack of responsiveness may impact the quality of attachment between us and our children. We may need help when our family life is out of balance, but the wide range of parenting advice can be confusing, even overwhelming.
It’s one thing to understand how remaining calm, supportive and objective can be a great service to our children and another thing to do it when we’re exhausted, frazzled, and sleep-deprived.
When a parent utters the word tantrum to another parent, the reaction is either a supportive smile or a grimace of dread; I have yet to see or hear another parent respond with glee. And really, who blames her? Until recently, tantrums were considered manipulation by the child to control the parent.
“Mommy, why do you need another Yonatan?” asked my first-born, looking at my growing belly. I hugged him and said, “I do not need another Yonatan. There is no other Yonatan. You are the only ‘you’ there will ever be, and I love you so much.”
An article on the United Kingdom’s TimesOnline.com, “Tackle Child Obesity: Teach Mums to Eat,” explains how the solution to rising childhood obesity is in teaching parents that their eating behavior is how children themselves learn to eat.
