Category Archives: 4. The Growing Child

From age 4 to age 9.

3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent

Abolishing Corporal Punishment of Children

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From the Council of Europe

Council of Europe pushing to ban corporal punishmentThe Council of Europe wants a continent free of corporal punishment. Hitting people is wrong — and children are people, too.

To protect children from corporal punishment, the Council of Europe has developed tools for the use of governments, parliaments, local authorities, professional networks, civil society, and more generally, anyone caring for children.

Abolition of corporal punishment has become a global goal.

Criminalizing corporal punishment of children is not about putting parents in jail. Abolishing corporal punishment means promoting positive parenting.

What is Corporal Punishment of Children?

The United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child defines corporal punishment as “any punishment in which physical force is used and intended to cause some degree of pain or discomfort, however light.”

Most corporal punishment involves hitting — smacking, slapping, spanking — children, with the hand or with an implement. It can also involve kicking, shaking, or throwing children, scratching, pinching, biting, pulling hair or boxing ears, forcing children to stay in uncomfortable positions, burning, scalding, or forced ingestion.

Why Should We Abolish Corporal Punishment of Children?

  1. It is a violation of children’s rights to respect for physical integrity, human dignity, and equal protection under the law.
  2. It can cause serious physical and psychological harm to children.
  3. It teaches children that violence is an acceptable way of resolving conflict.
  4. It is ineffective as a means of discipline. There are positive ways to teach, correct, or discipline children that are better for children’s development and for family relations.
  5. It is more difficult to protect children if corporal punishment is legitimate — this implies that some forms or levels of violence against children are acceptable.

Children are not mini-human beings with mini-human rights.

How Can We Achieve Abolition?

  • Through law reform — introducing an explicit prohibition of all corporal punishment in all settings, including the home; ensuring there are no existing legal defenses that justify corporal punishment by parents or others; and providing guidance on appropriate enforcement of these laws.
  • Through policy measures — ensuring comprehensive prevention policies and effective protection systems are implemented at different levels; and promoting positive, nonviolent forms of child-rearing, conflict resolution, and education.
  • Through awareness — ensuring comprehensive awareness raising of the prohibition of corporal punishment, and of children’s rights in general.

Get Involved
This information is available in a variety of media materials from the Council of Europe. While this campaign is directed toward the European Union, this is a movement meant for all societies and is just as relevant for your community whether you live in London, Munich, Paris, Sydney, or Los Angeles. Click here to see all of the campaign materials that are available to print and pass along.

4. The Growing Child, The Editor's Desk

How to Handle a Little Shoplifter

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By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

StealingWhen I was younger, my mother would take my sister and I to browse through little shops in our hometown full of local artisan’s crafts. She never bought anything; she just liked to look. On one of the trips when I was about eight years old, I spied a replica of a U.S. quarter about the size of a saucer and I just had to have it. I didn’t have any money with me, and when I asked my mom if she could buy it for me, she said no. So, when no one was looking, I put it in my coat pocket.

A couple days later, my mom was looking for a pen in the desk in my bedroom and opened the drawer where I had hidden the toy coin. Remembering back, I realize that she knew immediately what had happened. She turned to me and asked where I got the toy coin. I first said that I didn’t remember but then I said that I took it. She asked me why, and I said that I really wanted it. Then she picked it up and left my room.

Normally, my mom would’ve lost her temper and yelled and spanked. This time, though, she was very quiet and looked sad. I didn’t get defensive like I normally would’ve; instead, I went to my room, laid down in my bed, and cried. Later, she came in and told me how disappointed she was in me, and I told her I was sorry for making her sad. We hugged, and the next day, she drove me to the store where she asked for the store manager. I handed the toy coin back, told him I was sorry, and promised that I would never shoplift again. And I meant it.

Remembering back, I don’t think my mom’s reaction was intentional. I think she had been caught off-guard and didn’t know what else to do. But her reaction really sticks out in my mind. Few other lessons had sunk in as quickly as that one did.

AP Doesn’t Prevent Challenging Behavior — It Gives Us Tools to Deal with It

Just because we are raising our children in a way that promotes conscious thinking in their own behavior toward others doesn’t mean we won’t encounter challenges along the way. Even the most attached child could be tempted to shoplift if his curiosity is piqued and he has a strong desire for a particular object. So, how should we react? Continue reading How to Handle a Little Shoplifter →

3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child

Dear Editor: Use ‘Mainstream’ Instead of ‘Traditional’

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Dear Editor,

Just a quick note to question your comment in the opening article of the April 2009 issue of The Attached Family Ezine that Attachment Parenting is an alternative to “traditional” parenting. Perhaps the term “mainstream” would be better; it all depends on the tradition to which you are referring.

I gravitated to Attachment Parenting in 1998 by instinct long before I knew there was such a thing. I came to think of my way as the old-fashioned way — the way my grandmother did things.  I think of that as more traditional.  The “go to your room” or time-out approach I see as more of a modern-day approach coming from the 1960s and ’70s when the Me Generation started parenting and through the ’80s when greed was good and selfishness reached an all-time high.

Perhaps the book clarifies this point but it just caught my eye.

~ Kelly Anne Thomson, Virginia USA

ORIGINAL ARTICLE from The Attached Family Ezine

As a parent, you are doing the most important job in the world — raising the next generation of our society. API wishes to thank you for your extraordinary dedication to your families and children by practicing Attachment Parenting.

It is for you that API Co-founders Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker wrote their book, Attached at the Heart. They want you to know why you’re making the best choice possible for your children — and the world — by consciously choosing to promote attachment rather than conforming to traditional ideas of parenting. Barbara and Lysa also want to encourage you through their book, which details all of API’s Eight Principles of Parenting — clarifying such points on whether time-outs are ever considered AP tools and what really makes an AP birth. The book is an amazing encouragement to parents to look to their instincts on how to raise their children, instead of looking to so-called experts. There really is no book available like Attached at the Heart.

RESPONSE

Thank you, Kelly Anne, for your letter. You bring up a great point. As the API Publications Team was putting this issue of the Ezine together, we debated about the terms “traditional” vs. “mainstream.” Our decision was based on not wanting to offend mainstream parents, but through your letter, I can see that we have misconstrued exactly how most people view Attachment Parenting — that it is as traditional as parenting can get.

I thank you for your correction to this term, and I would like to clarify that we actually meant “mainstream.” I hope this snaffoo won’t affect your view of the book. It is an excellent handbook for attachment parents.

Thanks again for your professionalism in bringing this matter to our attention.

~ Rita Brhel, editor of The Attached Family publications

3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child

Phoenix Children’s Hospital Releases Report on Physical Punishment in the U.S.

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From API’s Communications Team

Phoenix Children's HospitalA new report released by Phoenix Children’s Hospital in collaboration with a researcher at the University of Michigan concludes that there is little evidence that physical punishment improves children’s behavior in the long-term. Rather, the report cites substantial evidence that physical punishment puts children at risk for negative outcomes such as increased aggression and mental health problems.

The report, authored by Elizabeth T. Gershoff, PhD, a researcher from the University of Michigan and reviewed and endorsed by Phoenix Children’s Hospital provides a concise review of 100 years of social science research and hundreds of published studies on physical punishment conducted by psychology, medical, education, social work, and sociology professionals on the effects physical punishment has on children. Individuals representing 30 organizations participated in its development and it has already been endorsed by American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), American College of Emergency Room Physicians, American Medical Association, National Association of Counsel for Children, and National Association of Regulatory Administration.

“The report and its conclusions are a valuable tool for us and substantiates our observations at the Phoenix Children’s Hospital Behavior Behavioral Medicine Clinic for the last two decades,” said Dr. Eric Benjamin, Section Chief of Psychiatry at Phoenix Children’s.

The report created for parents and caregivers, policy and program makers and children themselves concludes that:

  • There is little research evidence that physical punishment improves children’s behavior in the long term.
  • There is substantial research evidence that physical punishment makes it more, not less, likely that children will be defiant and aggressive in the future.
  • There is clear research evidence that physical punishment puts children at risk for negative outcomes, including increased antisocial behavior and mental health problems.
  • There is consistent evidence that children who are physically punished are at greater risk of serious injury and physical abuse.

“This consensus, endorsed by the AAP, is a huge step forward for effective discipline in the United States,” said Marcia Stanton, Community Relations, Phoenix Children’s Hospital. “At Phoenix Children’s Hospital, our goal is to help parents deal effectively with challenging behaviors and parent education about alternative methods is part of the solution.”

Research showing the mounting evidence that physical punishment of children is an ineffective parenting practice comes at a time of decreasing support for physical punishment within the United States and around the world. The majority of American adults are opposed to physical punishment by school personnel (77%) and an increasing number of Americans (29%) are opposed to physical punishment by parents. At the same time, there is a growing momentum among other countries to enact legal bans on all forms of physical punishment, bolstered by the fact that the practice has come to be regarded as a violation of international human rights law.

“Forty years ago, parents put their children in cars without car seats or seatbelts — we survived, but no parent today would think of taking that risk even though our parents did. Just as norms about child car seat safety changed, it’s time for norms about discipline to change,” said Dr. Gershoff.

The full report can be downloaded at www.phoenixchildrens.com/discipline.

2. The Infant, 3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent

Parenting Style Changes Gene Expression

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From API’s Communications Team

DNAResearch has, for many years, shown that the way a child is parented will physically shape his brain — that each interaction, good or bad, will create pathways within the brain as a reflection of the emotions surrounding that interaction. And that a pattern of neglect or abuse will shape the brain differently than will a consistently loving, attachment-promoting relationship.

Now, a new study published in a February 2009 issue of Nature Neuroscience — as reported in the The New York Times article, “After Abuse, Changes in the Brain — shows that, in addition to shaping the brain, patterns of interaction change the way a person’s genes are expressed.

Researchers at McGill University in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, have found for at least ten years that affectionate mothering alters the expression of genes in animals. These changes in the genetic code are then passed on to the next generation. For the first time, there is direct evidence that the same happens in human DNA. McGill researchers report that people who were abused or neglected as children had genetic alterations that made them more biologically sensitive to stress.

McGill teamed up with the Singapore Institute for Clinical Sciences to compare the brains of 12 people who had difficult childhoods before  committing suicide with the brains of 12 people who did not suffer abuse or neglect as children.

When humans are under stress, the hormone cortisol circulates and puts the body in a state of anxiety. One way the brain reduces this response is to make receptors on brain cells that help clear the cortisol, reducing the feeling of distress and protecting neurons from the damaging effects of extended exposure to cortisol.

Researchers found that the genes that code these receptors were 40 percent less active in people who had difficult childhoods than those who did not.

There is still speculation as to why some people with difficult childhoods are able to regulate stress more easily while others are not. Possibilities include individual genetic differences or an individual’s ability to connect with other people who help stabilize his stress response.

To read this entire article, go to: www.nytimes.com/2009/02/24/health/research/24abuse.html?emc=eta1.

3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent, The Editor's Desk

When ‘D’ Meets ‘S’: The Role of Personality in Parenting

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By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

Mother and sonThrough Attachment Parenting, we learn how truly powerful a close emotional relationship with our children can be. But even with the strongest of bonds, conflict will arise between parents and their children. As children grow, AP focuses more and more on how we, as parents, resolve conflict — in a gentle, positive manner that promotes influence, guidance, and teaching rather than control.

Much of the root of conflict resolution resides in our own selves – in dealing with our own unresolved hurts and biases, as well as finding personal balance, so that we can control the urge to jump to conclusions and react without thinking. And so that we can have the courage to stop in the moment, take a deep breath, and think about how to control our default thinking to be able to react with compassion instead of anger and defensiveness.

Another important piece of this puzzle is understanding how personality differences play into both conflict and conflict resolution. Think about what is most likely to create conflict between you and your spouse or partner: Often, isn’t it because you two do the same thing in different ways? My husband and I encounter this all the time. I am much more detail-oriented than my husband and sometimes don’t understand why he doesn’t see the crumbs on the table, while he wonders why I care so much about the crumbs. The same situation can happen between you and a child who doesn’t see the world in the same way.

Personality Assessments as a Way to Get to Know Your Child Better

The point of discovering your child’s personality traits is not to put a label on him, or to try to compartmentalize the reason behind his actions. Instead, it is another way for parents to get to know their child more — to discover what makes him tick. Continue reading When ‘D’ Meets ‘S’: The Role of Personality in Parenting →

1. Pregnancy & Birth, 2. The Infant, 3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent, Secondary Attachments: Fathers, Grandparents & Other Loved Ones, Solo Parenting: Divorced & Single Parents, Special Circumstances: Multiples, Adoption & Special Needs, Striving for Balance: Personal & Family, The Editor's Desk

“Giving the Love that Heals,” an interview with attachment therapist Harville Hendrix

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Happy Valentine's DayDear Readers,

Click here to download your free gift from API.

As promised in the Winter 2008-09 Healing Childhood Wounds issue of The Journal of API — as a followup to the article “The 11th Commandment” — this free audio download is the full version of API Co-founder Barbara Nicholson’s interview with Imago Relationship Therapy Founder Harville Hendrix.

The author of Giving the Love that Heals, Harville’s words are inspiring and motivating — a true reminder that everyday should be Valentine’s Day. You do not want to miss this interview!

Happy Valentine’s Day from API…

~ Rita Brhel, editor of The Attached Family publications

(If you have trouble downloading the file, contact me at editor@attachmentparenting.org.)

3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent, Solo Parenting: Divorced & Single Parents

Children of ‘High Conflict’ Custody Battles Tend to Suffer More Emotionally

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From API’s Publications Team

EmotionsCustody cases are rarely pleasant, but in about 10 percent of these cases, it truly becomes a battle between the estranged parents and the long-term effects on their children’s mental wellbeing can be devastating.

According to an article on TheHour.com, “Video Offers Advice to Divorcing Parents,” research at the Massachusetts General Hospital show that 65 percent of children involved in high conflict custody cases — or about 10 percent of all custody cases — experience clinical symptoms of anxiety, which manifested in a variety of ways such as physical aggression, sleep disorders, depression, bedwetting, becoming sexually active prematurely, and even dissociation.

What is Dissociation?

Dissociation is the psychiatric term to describe there is a splitting off of a group of mental processes from the main body of consciousness, as what happens with amnesia and some forms of hysteria.

Furthermore, 56 percent of the children of high conflict custody cases develop attachment disorders that leave them unable to form friendships with others in fear of being abandoned.

“In a sense, there is a neglect,” said family court Judge Elaine Gordon in the video she co-created, Putting Children First: Minimizing Conflict in Custody Disputes. “Because parents who are fighting are not capable of emotionally caring for their children.”

To read the entire article, go to http://www.thehour.com/story/464345.

4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent, Solo Parenting: Divorced & Single Parents

Canada Judge Reverses Custody in Case of Parental Alienation

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From API’s Publications Team

GavelCanadian parents who have been the target of parental alienation that is negatively affecting their attachment to their children now have the courts on their side. According to an article on TheGlobeAndMail.com, “Courts Can Rescue Kids From an Alienating Parent,” judges in Canada are now willing to intervene in such custody cases and remove children from homes of the alienating parent even if it’s against the child’s wishes.

What is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation is tactics used by one parent to systematically poison the minds of the children against the other parent. For more information, read these articles from the DIVORCED & SINGLE PARENTING section:

The concern is that there is no scientific proof that this intervention to resolve parental alienation cases works.  The support for custody reversal is the studies that reveal what will happen if parental alienation is left to continue unchecked. Children grow up to experience feelings of guilt toward the alienated parent and anger toward the alienating parent, to the point where these emotional traumas negatively affects their relationships with others.

Earlier in January, an Ontario judge stripped a mother of the custody of her three children, ages 9-14, and limited her access to the children to no closer than 300 meters unless in a counseling session. The father had fought for 10 years for custody away from the woman who was trying to excommunicate him from their children’s lives. The father now has the right to take away the children’s cell phones and other devices to prevent communication with their mother, and to remove them from the country in search of counseling.

Eventually, the goal is for the mother to have less restrictive access and communication with the children and for the children to have a positive relationship with both parents. However, the interventions and counseling are to help the child figure out their true feelings toward both parents.

An Example of Parental Alienation

Author Richard Warshak describes a severe case:

During the custody trial, an 18-year-old child threatened violence against his mother if the judge awarded her custody. Today, the child admits that these threats were not his true feelings but what he had been brainwashed to say and think.

This is only the third such ruling in Canada’s history. The first two occurred in Ontario in 1989 and in Quebec in 1991.

“There is a greater understanding that the courts really hold the power to rescue the children from the situation of being caught in the middle,” said Richard Warshak, author of Divorce Poison and coordinator of a workshop that helps alienated parents reunite with their children. In the judgment, Madam Justice Faye McWatt wrote that the mother’s “unrelenting behavior toward the children is tantamount to emotional abuse.”

None of the children wanted to live with their father, but it was determined that the children, even the teen, were unable to think clearly about what they wanted because they had been brainwashed by their mother.

“The Canadian courts are in the forefront,” said Warshak of Dallas, Texas.

But making rulings in parental alienation cases will continue to be a slow process. Child psychologist Barbara Fidler, who had been involved with the family for many years, said professionals involved in these cases need time to assess the situation and to try less drastic measures such as parenting plans and visitation changes.

“There are some cases of what we call realistic estrangement,” Fidler said. “The alienated parent may be abusive, and the child has good reason for not wanting to visit. And then there is true pathological alienation, in which children are refusing contact without good reason.”

This latest ruling is giving hope to parents targeted by parental alienation, who say the tide appears to be turning.

“There was a period of time when people thought that if you did anything to sever that attachment between the child and the favored parent — that is, the allegedly toxic parent — that could cause more harm than any good,” said Jeffery Wilson, a family lawyer specializing in child advocacy.

To read the entire article, go to http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090129.wlgenex29/BNStory/lifeFamily/home.

2. The Infant, 3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent

Every Parent-Child Interaction Shapes the Brain

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By Amber Lewis, staff writer for The Attached Family

Pathways in the brain created by neurons
Pathways in the brain created by neurons

Humans all begin the exact same way. We start our life out as a zygote, the fertilized egg in our mother’s uterus, 46 chromosomes that will determine everything from eye color to height and that help to influence our intelligence and who we are individually. By the fourth week of pregnancy, the zygote has turned into an embryo and will begin developing what will become its brain.

The brain begins as the ectoderm, which is the top layer of the now three-layered embryo, and will develop into the neural tube which will close by week six. At ten weeks gestation, the new brain will begin forming neurons at the rate of 250,000 per minute, according to the article “Fetal Development: What Happens During the First Trimester?” on Mayoclinic.com. At the 16th week, the fetus’ eyes are becoming sensitive to light, and at week 18, the fetus can hear. By the 28th week, the fetus’ eyes open.

Parenting Begins In Utero

Why does this matter? Many mothers believe that their interactions with their unborn child can have an impact. Some parents even go so far as to parent in utero — reading and talking to their unborn child, already loving their baby deeply before even meeting him face to face. Research now shows what these parents already knew; parents influence their child’s psychological development from very early on. Continue reading Every Parent-Child Interaction Shapes the Brain →