Tag Archives: parent support

1. Pregnancy & Birth, 2. The Infant

World Breastfeeding Week 2014: Parent Support Deserts in the USA

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By Rita Brhel, Editor of Attached Family magazine, API’s Publications Coordinator

World Breastfeeding Week 2014What this year’s celebration of World Breastfeeding Week is really about—more than updating the status on breastfeeding acceptance or increasing understanding for mothers who are unable to breastfeed—is advocacy for parent support.

While the primary goal of Attachment Parenting International (API) is to raise awareness of the importance of a secure parent-child attachment, the organization’s overarching strategy is to provide research-backed information in an environment of respect, empathy and compassion in order to support parents in making decisions for their families and to create support environments in their communities. API extends beyond attachment education, also promoting the best practices in all aspects of parenting from pregnancy and childbirth to infant feeding and nurturing touch to sleep and discipline to personal balance and self-improvement through such innovative programs as API Support Groups, the API Reads book club and the Journal of Attachment Parenting, just to name a few.

API is a parent support organization made up of parents located around the world with a deep desire to support other parents.

Parent Support Deserts

In this spirit, API created the Parent Support Deserts project through which we mapped gaps in local parent support opportunities specific to Attachment Parenting (AP). The goals of this multi-layered project are to identify communities, regions and nations in need of conscious-minded parent support and to encourage collaboration among like-minded organizations to address these gaps.

The first part of the project was identifying key nations of the world that we feel would ideally have organized, like-minded parent support options available. We focused on developed countries, because societal advance encourages separation from the natural world, including biologically instinctual ways of living and relating to one another, as is reflected in family structure and mainstream parenting philosophies. Industrialized nations lead the world in ideas and developing, and less-industrialized and underdeveloped nations tend look to these societies for guidance. We used the World Bank’s list of Developed Countries and Territories. All of the nations included in the project are defined as high-income economies as determined by Gross National Product, per-capita income, level of industrialization, widespread technological infrastructure and high standards of living.

The second part of the project was identifying key parent support organizations. We were looking for representative organizations with local support groups or classes with an approach to parent support that closely matches that of API—advocating for conscious, informed parenting choices that challenge the status quo:

  • Attachment Parenting International
  • Babywearing International
  • Holistic Moms Network
  • International Association of Infant Massage
  • International Cesarean Awareness Network
  • La Leche League International
  • Pathways Connect

API recognizes that there are myriad local parent support opportunities in many communities that are not affiliated with these key parent support organizations, such as peer counselors, professionals, groups and classes available through hospitals, clinics, faith-based organizations, schools, etc. and that some of these may be quality, AP-minded programs. We appreciate this and welcome these independent programs to nominate themselves for inclusion in the Parent Support Deserts project through rita@attachmentparenting.org.

We have a bias toward local support groups because the research validates the importance of a parenting support network. This may be provided through family, friends, coworkers and others in an informal way, but a community of like-minded parents is an empowering environment for parents learning about and growing in their parenting approach.

It is to be noted that not all communities identified as having a parent support option may have an active local support group at any one time, as some local leaders hold groups while others, depending on their own life stage or lack of interest from the community, opt not to lead a group but to remain available for one-on-one support. What was important in mapping communities was identifying those with an active parent support leader affiliated with one of the key parent support organizations who is either leading a group or class, or is available to provide support in this way should the interest from parents arise.

It is also to be noted that local support groups or classes unaffiliated with API may provide varying degrees of AP education that may or may not be aligned with API’s Eight Principles of Parenting. However, each of these representative organizations promote an environment that empowers parents in finding their own path for intentional parenting.

The third part of the project is dissecting each nation into both parent support deserts as well as oases. The first nation we are focusing on is the United States.

Future steps include cross-examining data according to risk factors such as areas with low breastfeeding rates, high infant mortality, high Cesarean rates and other aspects of public health, as well as creating maps to illustrate parent support deserts and oases, and inviting discussion among the AP community in how to address gaps in parent support.

Infant-Feeding Parent Support Deserts

Local parent support for breastfeeding has grown at an astonishing rate since La Leche League (LLL) International was founded in Illinois, USA, in 1956. LLL groups are located worldwide in nearly all developed nations as well as other less-developed countries. LLL has expanded its resources as cultures have evolved with technology and the changing roles for mothers, assisting mothers in providing breast milk to their infants whether through exclusive or partial breastfeeding or pumping as needed.

As research pours in on the benefits of breast milk and breastfeeding, evidence continues to point toward AP practices, such as using fewer interventions during childbirth, avoiding early mother-baby separation, rooming-in at the hospital, breastfeeding on demand, interpreting pre-cry hunger signals, encouraging skin-to-skin contact, room sharing, discouraging cry-it-out sleep training, helping the father in supporting the mother, and others. As a result, the vast support network that many communities now have for breastfeeding mothers—from a breastfeeding-friendly medical community to lactation consultants and peer counselors to doulas and childbirth educators and parent educators trained in lactation support—tend to direct breastfeeding mothers toward Attachment Parenting.

By contrast, there are few organized AP-minded support opportunities for mothers who are unable to or choose not to breastfeed or feed expressed breast milk. Formula-feeding parents are relatively on their own in terms of finding support that rightly points them in the direction of Attachment Parenting, as this choice or necessity to bottle-feed exclusively is seen less as part of the relationship context and more solely a nutritive option—though certainly we know, and research in sensitive responsiveness is finding, the behaviors surrounding bottle feeding are as much a part of the parent-child relationship as is breastfeeding. Unlike breastfeeding support, formula-feeding support is much less cohesive, with some information sources putting forth questionable science regarding formula versus breastfeeding benefits.

This gap in support provides an opportunity for API Support Groups and other like-minded organizations to offer acceptance, validation and support in AP practices to non-breastfeeding mothers. One program in the United States that does this is the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC), putting as much attention on formula-feeding mothers as those who choose to breastfeed.

For this introductory look at the Parent Support Deserts project, we examined locations of parent support groups in terms of infant-feeding in the Attachment Parenting context. We focused on LLL for breastfeeding support and API for both breastfeeding and formula-feeding support. Specifically, we were looking at:

  • Unsupported Key Communities = Communities of 100,000 or more, or state capitals, without either an LLL or an API presence.
  • Undersupported Key Communities = Communities of 100,000 or more, or state capitals, with either an LLL or an API presence, but not both.
  • Notable Communities = Communities of any population with both an API and LLL presence as well as other Attachment Parenting-minded support.

Key communities have a population of at least 100,000 or are state capital cities, because of these communities’ population density and centrality to policymaking and lawmaking.

We recognize that families in less-populated areas are as much in need of support. The Parent Support Desert project has found that LLL’s distribution worldwide and within the United States includes both urban and rural population centers, making LLL unique among like-minded organizations. API considers LLL to be an important partner in the Attachment Parenting movement, not only because of its representative size, reach and longevity but also because the parenting support provided in addition to breastfeeding education is directly in line with that promoted by API.

While this list is in flux, following are state reports of API’s Parent Support Deserts specific to Attachment Parenting infant-feeding support in the United States as spring 2014:

Alabama

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Mobile, Montgomery (capital)
  • Notable Communities: Huntsville-Madison

Alaska

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Anchorage, Juneau (capital)

Arizona

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Chandler, Gilbert, Mesa, Peoria, Tempe, Scottsdale, Surprise
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Tucson
  • Notable Communities: Phoenix (capital)

Arkansas

  • Notable Communities: Little Rock (capital), Searcy

California

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Anaheim, Carlsbad, Chula Vista, Concord, Corona, Costa Mesa, Daly City, Downey, El Cajon, El Monte, Escondido, Fontana, Fullerton, Garden Grove, Hayward, Huntington Beach, Inglewood, Moreno Valley, Norwalk, Ontario, Palmdale, Pomona, Rancho Cucamonga, Rialto, Richmond, Riverside, Salinas, San Bernardino, Santa Clara, Santa Maria, Sunnyvale, Torrance, Vallejo, Victorville
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Bakersfield, Burbank-Glendale, Elk Grove, Fairfield, Fremont, Humboldt, Lancaster/Antelope Valley, Marin, Modesto, Oakland-Berkeley, Oceanside, Oxnard, Pasadena, Pittsburgh-Antioch, Roseville-Citrus Heights, San Jose, Santa Clarita, Santa Rosa, Simi Valley, Stockton, Temecula-Murrieta, Thousand Oaks, Tulare-Visalia, Ventura, West Covina
  • Notable Communities: Long Beach, Los Angeles, Monterey, Sacramento (capital), San Diego, San Francisco, Santa Ana/Orange County

Colorado

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Westminster
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Arvada, Aurora, Boulder, Centennial, Colorado Springs, Fort Collins, Lakewood, Pueblo, Thornton
  • Notable Communities: Denver (capital), Parker

Connecticut

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Hartford (capital), Stamford
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Bridgeport, Greenwich-Stamford, New Haven, Southington-New Britain, Waterbury

Delaware

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Dover (capital)

Florida

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Cape Coral, Coral Springs, Hialeah, Miami Gardens, Palm Bay, Pembroke Pines, Pompano Beach, Port St. Lucie, St. Petersburg
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Clearwater, Fort Lauderdale, Gainesville, Hollywood, Miami, Miramar, Orlando, Tallahassee (capital), Tampa
  • Notable Communities: Jacksonville

Georgia

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Athens, Augusta, Columbus, Savannah
  • Notable Communities: Atlanta (capital)

Hawaii

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Honolulu (capital)

Idaho

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Boise (capital)

Illinois

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Elgin, Joliet
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Aurora-Montgomery-Oswego, Peoria, Rockford, Springfield (capital)
  • Notable Communities: Chicago, Naperville

Indiana

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Evansville, Fort Wayne, Indianapolis (capital), South Bend

Iowa

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Cedar Rapids
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Cedar Falls-Waterloo, Quad Cities
  • Notable Communities: Des Moines (capital)

Kansas

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Olathe, Overland Park, Wichita
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Kansa City, Lenexa-Shawnee

Kentucky

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Frankfort (capital)
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Lexington
  • Notable Communities: Louisville

Louisiana

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Shreveport
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Baton Rouge (capital), Lafayette, New Orleans

Maine

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Augusta (capital)

Maryland

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Annapolis (capital), Baltimore, Washington D.C. (nation’s capital)

Massachusetts

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Cambridge, Lowell
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Boston (capital), Worchester

Michigan

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Flint, Sterling Heights
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Ann Arbor, Downriver, Grand Rapids, Lansing (capital), Warren
  • Notable Communities: Detroit, Saginaw

Minnesota

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Bloomington-Richfield, Rochester
  • Notable Communities: Duluth, Minneapolis-St. Paul (capital)

Mississippi

  • Notable Communities: Jackson (capital)

 Missouri

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Independence
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Columbia, Jefferson City (capital), Kansas City, Springfield
  • Notable Communities: St. Louis

Montana

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Billings, Helena (capital)

Nebraska

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Omaha
  • Notable Communities: Lincoln (capital)

Nevada

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Carson City (capital), Henderson, Reno
  • Notable Communities: Las Vegas

New Hampshire

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Manchester/Merrimack Valley
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Concord (capital)

 New Jersey

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Elizabeth, Patterson
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Trenton (capital)

New Mexico

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Albuquerque, Las Cruces, Santa Fe (capital)

New York

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Oyster Bay, Yonkers
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Albany (capital), Bronx, Brooklyn, Buffalo, New York City, Queens, Rochester, Staten Island, Syracuse
  • Notable Communities: Long Island, Manhattan

North Carolina

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Cary, Charlotte, Durham, Fayetteville, Greensboro, High Point, Raleigh (capital), Wilmington, Winston-Salem
  • Notable Communities: Greenville

North Dakota

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Bismarck (capital), Fargo

Ohio

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Akron, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Columbus (capital), Dayton, Toledo

 Oklahoma

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Broken Arrow
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Norman, Oklahoma City (capital), Tulsa

Oregon

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Eugene-Springfield, Gresham, Salem (capital)
  • Notable Communities: Portland

Pennsylvania

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Allentown
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Erie, Harrisburg (capital), Philadelphia
  • Notable Communities: Pittsburgh

Rhode Island

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Providence (capital)

South Carolina

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Charleston, Columbia (capital), Grand Strand

South Dakota

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Pierre (capital), Sioux Falls

Tennessee

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Chattanooga, Clarksville, Memphis, Murfreesboro
  • Notable Communities: Knoxville, Nashville (capital)

Texas

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Abilene, Beaumont, Brownsville, Carrollton, Grand Prairie, Laredo, Mesquite, Midland, Odessa, Richardson, Round Rock
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Amarillo, Arlington, Bryan-College Station, Corpus Christi, Dallas, Denton, El Paso, Fort Worth, Garland, Irving, Killeen, Lubbock, McAllen, Pasadena, Plano, Waco, Wichita Falls
  • Notable Communities: Austin (capital), Houston, McKinney, San Antonio

Utah

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Provo, West Valley City
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Salt Lake City (capital), West Jordan

Vermont

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Montpelier (capital)

Virginia

  • Unsupported Key Communities: Hampton, Newport News
  • Undersupported Key Communities: Alexandria-Arlington County, Chesapeake, Norfolk, Richmond (capital), Virginia Beach
  • Notable Communities: Fredericksburg

 Washington

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Bellevue, Everett, Kennewick-Pasco-Richland, Kent, Olympia (capital), Seattle, Spokane, Tacoma, Vancouver
  • Notable Communities: Port Angeles

West Virginia

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Charleston (capital)

Wisconsin

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Kenosha, Madison (capital), Milwaukee
  • Notable Communities: Green Bay, Oshkosh

Wyoming

  • Undersupported Key Communities: Cheyenne (capital)
You can read more in the double "Voices of Breastfeeding" issue of Attached Family magazine, in which we take a look at the cultural explosion of breastfeeding advocacy as well as the challenges still to overcome in supporting new parents with infant feeding. The magazine is free to API members--and membership in API is free! Visit www.attachmentparenting.org to access your free issue or join API.
You can read more in the double “Voices of Breastfeeding” issue of Attached Family magazine, in which we take a look at the cultural explosion of breastfeeding advocacy as well as the challenges still to overcome in supporting new parents with infant feeding. The magazine is free to API members–and membership in API is free! Visit www.attachmentparenting.org to access your free issue or join API.
1. Pregnancy & Birth, 2. The Infant, 3. The Toddler

The Beauty of Breastfeeding: An Interview with Photographer Christine Santos

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17c07995cc7d8d8c33150a54403b30f1_largeIn May 2013, a Kickstarter campaign was launched to raise funds for an innovative art exhibit featuring the work of photographer Christine Santos: “Nursing is Natural … Naturally Beautiful.” This exhibit was intended to revolutionize and challenge the way Americans view breastfeeding by portraying over 50 nursing mothers, inviting people to think differently about the way our society views breasts. API’s Rita Brhel asked Santos, a doula and birth photographer at Psalm 139 Studios (www.psalm139studios.com), to share more about the exhibit, which took place September 20-October 15, 2013, at the {Tay’-Cho} art gallery in Bartow, Florida.

Rita: Tell us about how the project began. What was the inspiration?

Christine: In February 2012, our La Leche League group sat discussing the impacts of a campaign that had been run in Texas to promote the normalization of breastfeeding and to bring awareness of the stigma associated with this act. The conversation turned to the cultural environment of the area in which we lived. We decided we needed to normalize breastfeeding for our sons and daughters. We needed to do a similar campaign in our county.

Rita: How did you become involved? What inspired you?

Christine: I offered to capture the images and be the liaison between the La Leche League group and the WIC program/Department of Health. After much conversation, it was revealed that WIC/DOH did not desire to utilize images of local women to promote breastfeeding in the area. The project stalled until an alternate option presented itself. I took part in an exhibit called “Trust Birth,” which gave me the idea that organizing an art exhibit might be a viable option for spreading awareness of breastfeeding.

After realizing an art exhibit could be the way to reach thousands of people to promote breastfeeding and challenge viewpoints, I reached out to local motherhood groups for volunteers. I knew if we were going to promote breastfeeding accurately, we would need women of all backgrounds, ethnicities and ages of children. The feedback from this model call was overwhelming.

43306b72fa87a958f96a2d8a94dac7a9_largeOver 30 ladies signed up to be photographed for the exhibit, and many more were turned away. The images and the idea of the exhibit gained momentum, and word spread through social media. It quickly became obvious this was something the breastfeeding community had been longing for. The support was phenomenal.

The event details caught the attention of a local television station, and I was interviewed. That interview spawned others, and the media attention went global. CBS, NBC, Latina magazine, Initiativ Liewensufank and Huffington Post were just a few of the media outlets that carried the story. Funding poured in, and something that began as a dream in a local La Leche League meeting became a reality.

Many local businesses helped with the sponsorship of the exhibit, but three contributed both in time and money: Punger Family Medicine, Effortless IT, and Lorrie Walker Public Relations. Their commitment to the success of the exhibit and to the promotion of the normalization of breastfeeding helped make the exhibit the success it was. Without their hard work and dedication, “Nursing is Natural” would not have been able to happen.

Rita: How will this project contribute to the breastfeeding community, parenting and other segments of society?

Christine: This exhibit has helped promote the normalization of breastfeeding in a big way. It has sparked conversation and caused people to question their previously held views about breastfeeding. It has opened the doors for other artists to promote similar work in their cities, thus opening the door for further discussion about breastfeeding. We have seen heart changes happen as open dialogue occurs between nursing mothers and skeptics. These were the goals of this exhibit, and we see them happening still, even months after the exhibit’s initial opening.   

DSC_0066Our hope is that we will be able to find other galleries in which to show the images. That we can continue to spark dialogue through open sharing and discussion. That we can normalize breastfeeding so our children can one day breastfeed their own children without fear of backlash. That the nursing that was once the norm for the care and comfort of our children will be the norm once again.

Rita: How will this exhibit benefit families?

Christine: This exhibit has benefitted families in that it has helped empower women to take a stand for their babies and their right to feed their babies how they see fit. It has enabled them to find their voices, to speak up for what they believe is the best choice for their babies, and to stand up against those who would shame mothers for making that choice. It has given fathers a voice to stand up for their families’ choices and for their partners’ and babies’ rights. It has allowed dialogue to occur that puts parents and families on the same page, or at the very least with an understanding of where each of them are coming from. This exhibit has fostered solid communication for the benefit of children and families.

Rita: What are your views of Attachment Parenting International and what API is doing?

Christine: There are many organizations that are helping to facilitate this type of communication. We believe Attachment Parenting International is one of those organizations. API works hard to promote the bond between care providers, families, and children. API stresses the importance of family and tribe support, and they encourage parents to take a more active role in their children’s developmental years. These concepts work hand-in-hand with what Psalm 139 Studios is trying to do in the world of bellies, birth and beyond. We are excited to see what the future has in store for both organizations.

Bf 2014 Challenges smAvailable now! The Attached Family magazine “Voices of Breastfeeding” double issue. This fantastic resources is free to API members–and membership is free. Get your copy today!

1. Pregnancy & Birth, 2. The Infant, 3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, Secondary Attachments: Fathers, Grandparents & Other Loved Ones, Striving for Balance: Personal & Family

Navigating Military Life with API’s Eight Principles of Parenting

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By Kathryn Abbott, API Leader. Kathryn led an API Support Group in Skagit County, WA, in 2011-2012 and then served as a Co-Leader for San Diego County API in 2012-2013. She plans to start a new API support group in Norfolk this year.

Kathryn Abbott FamilyBoth the joys and the challenges of parenting provide parents opportunities to grow and develop into our best selves. As we undergo this process, we are the model for our children, leading by example and showing them our core values.

For families in which one or both parents serve in the military, there may be a set of unique circumstances that shapes some of those joys and challenges. These circumstances may include moving (on average every two to three years), deployments or long separations, being far from family and friends, interrupted relationships with health professionals, changing schools and jobs, making new friends and finding community, just to name a few.

In my family, my husband serves in the military and I am a stay-at-home parent. We have found that using API’s Eight Principles of Parenting has helped us more easily navigate the life changes that come with serving in the military. It has also helped us maintain consistency for our children during times of change and stress in their lives, leading to more secure attachment. Many nonmilitary families also face the challenges of moving, being far from family and friends, or having to parent separately, so it is my hope that this article will be helpful to military and nonmilitary families alike.

Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting

This principle addresses the need to be prepared for the experiences of pregnancy, birth, the postpartum period and ongoing parenting though all its stages. It encourages us to become informed about the choices we will make for our care during our pregnancy and birth, as well as to become familiar with the stages of child development.

As part of our preparation for birth, my husband and I took a birth class. During the class, we were asked to do a drawing exercise that led us into labor and birth and then from birth into the postpartum period.  When I looked up during my drawing, I saw that my husband was finished with his picture, while I was only about one quarter of the way done. We had a chance to talk about this difference. “I will be getting ready for and then going on deployment three months after our baby is born, so my postpartum experience won’t be long,” he reminded me. Oh, right. For a large part of our newborn’s life, my husband would be working 10-12 hours a day, six days a week, getting ready for deployment, and then he would be gone.

As a military spouse, I am not alone in this experience; many parents are home alone for long days caring for their families or are parenting solo while a spouse is deployed. Many members of the military miss the birth of their child, or they may miss most of the pregnancy and make it home just in time for the birth.

Part of working with this challenge is being prepared for it. Talking about expectations, seeking out the support needed during these times, and finding ways to involve the physically absent partner in the experience of the pregnancy or birth are all strategies families can use to be better prepared for the many transitions to come.

In families in which one parent may be absent from the children for months, understanding child development is vital. For example, the 18-month-old a partner returns home to will be quite different from the 1-year-old he or she left. For the partner at home, sharing the development of the children through emails, letters, phone calls, texts, Skype or Facetime can be very helpful for the parent who is away.

Feeding With Love and Respect

This principle encourages us to meet our children’s need for physical nourishment throughout their lives. Preparing nourishing meals and developing mealtime rituals can be a wonderful way to provide consistency and connection even during the transitions military families must face.

Our family has used our mealtime rituals of sharing meal preparation, eating together as a family and saying a blessing at meals as a way to nurture our whole family during moves, deployments and daily life. Even if our meal is a simple one served on a paper plate while sitting on the floor of an empty house, we come back to the security of preparing meals and eating together.

Respond with Sensitivity

This principle encourages us to respond to our child with sensitivity throughout his or her life. Whether we are holding our crying infant or sharing the joys and challenges of our teenager, we are building a relationship based on trust and empathy.

For families in the military, especially for the parent who is serving, it can be hard to hear our child’s sadness at leaving their home, their friends or perhaps even a pet behind. Choosing to respond to these feelings and expressions with sensitivity only strengthens our relationship with our child.

As the parent, we might need to take a deep breath and remind ourselves that we didn’t create this sadness for our child on purpose. Nor is it ours to take away. We can hold our child and say to her, “I am sorry we moved and your best friend is so far away.” And when she is finished sharing her feelings with us and is ready for a solution, we can help her write a letter or email, or make a phone call or Skype with that friend. And then we can support her through the process of making another new friend.  

Use Nurturing Touch

Using nurturing touch is a wonderful way for all parents to help connect with their children. From babywearing to hugs, tickles and massage, there are many ways to meet your child’s need for nurturing touch.

Nurturing touch can especially be of value during times of change, which can be stressful even when we are happy about them. Remembering to give children extra time for snuggles or foot rubs at bedtime can help them relax in a new home or give them time to share their fears about a parent’s absence.

When a parent returns from a time away from the family, nurturing touch, whether through snuggles or horseplay, can be a wonderful way for the family to reconnect.

In our family, my husband and children have a goodbye/goodnight ritual that includes a hug, kiss, nose rub, butterfly kiss (using the eyelash on a check) and ends with deciding who has the hardest head. Of course, it is always our children who knock him down amid much laughter. This is something they will even do over the phone or Skype, and they love hearing him fall on the floor, even if he is 3,000 miles away.  

Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally

This principle encourages us to meet our children’s needs for security, even at night. This will look different in all families and can include a variety of different sleeping arrangements. These arrangements can and should be flexible to meet the needs of the individuals of the family. Cosleeping (where the child is in the same room as the parents) or bedsharing (where the child sleeps in the bed with the parents) can be invaluable tools for the benefit of both parents and children. (Click to read more about API’s Infant Sleep Safety Guidelines.)

As a new mother, I shared a bed with my newborn to facilitate ease of breastfeeding and maximize my sleep and rest. My husband slept in the other room so he could be sure to have enough rest to fly safely the next day, and later he was on deployment. This sleeping arrangement meant I was better able to care for my infant and myself.

Bed sharing and cosleeping have continued to serve our family well, as they ease our children’s fears in new places, provide an opportunity for warmth and reconnection when my husband returns from deployments or trips, and often allow me, as the solo parent when he is gone, to get some much needed rest.

For families who find that separate sleeping places serve them best, providing assurance to a child through a bedtime ritual (and a nightlight if needed) and responding to their needs at night are ways that help children to feel secure throughout the night.

Provide Consistent and Loving Care

For military families in which the one consistent thing is change, this principle can provide us with a way to help ease some of the insecurities that can arise for our children and ourselves.

It our family, we planned that I would be the stay-home parent. We felt that having one consistent caregiver, especially as we moved, would be the most beneficial arrangement for our children. Since the birth of our oldest daughter eight years ago, we have moved four times. Being able to give our children consistent and loving care has truly been a gift to our family. There is no added sense of loss or insecurity that may come with changing child care as the result of a move.

For some families, both partners need or want to work, but they may also want to find consistent and loving care for their children. Some creative ways I have seen military families meet these needs include: having another family member, such as a grandparent, live with them and provide full-time care for the child; using an in-home nanny; or arranging for child care with a friend who stays home with his or her children.

For the many military parents using a local daycare as their child care option, finding ways to reconnect at the end of the day becomes essential. Taking time to spend some one-on-one time each day, giving extra hugs or having a special date with your child once a week can go a long way in creating and maintaining a secure attachment with you. Seeking out a child care provider who is consistent with your philosophy and acts as your partner in caring for your child is truly a benefit to the whole family.

Practice Positive Discipline

This principle encourages us to use discipline that is empathetic, loving, respectful and that strengthens the connection between parent and child. Positive discipline is the hardest for me when I am under stress. That stress can come, for example, at the end of a long day when there won’t be a partner coming home to relieve me, or when my children are balking at going to the dentist because they have never met this new dentist, or when my house looks like 143 boxes have just been unpacked and nothing has been put away (although really that’s just how it looks after the girls have been busy playing!).

Practicing positive discipline, even if you were raised with it, can be hard. For me, this is the area where parenting calls me to become better than I am right now and also calls me to be as gentle with myself as I can. When I remind myself that I value relationships over things, that I want my children to feel and know what it means to be respected, that I want to repair any disconnect my child is feeling with me, then I can help myself reframe whatever stressful situation I may be in and make the connection with my child.  

Sometimes in order to practice positive discipline, I need to give myself a break. I simply tell the children, “I am feeling angry [or frustrated or upset] and I am going to go outside and take some deep breaths. When I come back we will figure this out.” I give myself that pause and time to de-stress so I can reconnect with the love I have for my children and then reconnect with them.

For the military parent, practicing positive discipline can have an added element of challenge since much of military culture is based on giving and following orders. This is an area where both parents will need to talk through how positive discipline will be used within their family and how to support each other in this practice.

Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life

This principle comes last on the list, but it is really the foundation all the others. If you are not able to have time for yourself and time to nurture your relationship with your partner, it will be more of a challenge to nurture your children and your family.

For military families, this principle can have an added layer of challenge. Moving often requires rebuilding community: you must all make new friends and start over in favorite activities, and there may be new schools and new jobs. When you are far from family and friends and don’t have a trusted child care provider while your partner is away, finding time to recharge can be a challenge.

To help find balance in your days, consider:

  • Attending a support group meeting. Attending (or starting) API support group meetings has been invaluable for me. My children can come, and I get some time with other like-minded parents.

  • Arranging play dates. When my oldest was younger, I had three close friends who all had same-aged children. Once a week, all the children would go to one house for play time and snacks while the other three moms went to do whatever we wanted. Anything from cleaning the floors to doing yoga was on the list! Our children were safe and happy, and we each got a much needed respite.

  • Wake up early. I don’t wake myself early on purpose, but I find that if I am awake before my children, I have time in my day to read, check email or just think.

  • Celebrate the moment. Whether I am making myself a really nice cup of tea or spending 20 minutes on the phone with my sister, I recognize this time as time for me to recharge.

  • Make a date with yourself. When my husband is home, I go on a yoga date with myself and he has a father-daughter date with our children. Many gyms also offer child care if that is something you and your child are comfortable using.

Making time to nurture your relationship is key. Though you will have seasons in which you are more  or less connected with each other, it is important to find ways to keep the relationship strong, especially when you have young children who have many needs. For military families, an added challenge to the parental relationship is the extended separations. These separations can add more stress to a couple in an already stressful situation. Again, being prepared, seeking out resources and using creative solutions can help you maintain your relationship. Simply making the time once a week (even if it is in the early morning!) to maintain your connection to your partner will support and sustain your relationship.

Practicing Attachment Parenting and striving to use API’s Eight Principles of Parenting doesn’t mean my life will be perfect. But I know that when my house is a mess, my children are adjusting to a new home with all that it entails, and my spouse has been gone for more days than I want to count, the tools we use to help maintain connection and build trust and empathy will help us through those times of challenge and those times of joy. These tools help me as I strive to be the person I want to be.

 

API Support Groups, Secondary Attachments: Fathers, Grandparents & Other Loved Ones

An Ever-Changing Village: The Importance of Parent Support for Military Families

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By Kit Jenkins, Master babywearing educator for Babywearing International, Event Liaison for API and a co-founder of The Carrying On Project (www.carryingonproject.org).

Photo courtesy of The Carrying On Project
Photo courtesy of The Carrying On Project

We are celebrating Attachment Parenting International’s 20th anniversary this year. One of the main reasons people join API groups and stay involved is the sense of community these groups provide. Parents enjoy and come to rely on the parental support of like-minded individuals, who may be going through the same joys and challenges or seeking guidance from those who have been there in the past. While social media has made constant and instantaneous connection easier, there is nothing quite like going to a meeting and interacting with other parents and their children in real time. It is so much more personal than an Internet encounter.

With April being Month of the Military Child, we want to take a moment to talk about how important a sense of community can be to military families and how much of a difference “finding your village” can make. It is not uncommon for military families to move every year or two, and have every child born in a different state or even a different country! As a military spouse myself, one of the first things I do when I find out that we are moving or going somewhere for a lengthy training is look for similar-minded parenting groups. These groups often become our lifeline; they are where we find an extension of our village, which can make transitioning to our new location easier.

However, sometimes it can be hard to break into these groups, since everyone in the group knows each other and has been friends for a while. Especially for families who have recently had their first child, or who have just started to find their groove for leaving the house after a spouse is deployed, the support and comfort to be found in an API group meeting or informal meet-up can make a huge difference in the lives of the parent and children. We know (and love) that everyone practices AP in their own way, but simply having an API group means having  a common thread to help create a safe, still space for a family whose world is constantly in motion.

There are two big move cycles every year in the military, during which many families are moved to new stations, and the summer cycle is coming soon. Having a village to belong to is one of the most vital “survival tactics” of being a military family. You can help ease the transition by making an effort to include military installations and communities in your outreach. If you see parents (military or not) who look like they might benefit from a support system like the one your group has fostered, be the one to reach out and invite them to a meeting. They may not have found you yet, or might not have known exactly what they were looking for. If you are someone who either has their village or is looking to create one, don’t be afraid to say “Hi!” to the new mom with her baby in the sling at the grocery store or the new family at story time. Membership in API is free, but the benefits are priceless.

 

1. Pregnancy & Birth, Your Birth Stories

Birth Story Guidelines

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Share Your Birth Story

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Parents, we invite you to share your childbirth experiences. Sharing birth stories can empower parents to educate others, to break down barriers and help others become more accepting of experiences very different from their own, to heal from the disappointments and emotional pain of their own childbirth, to learn about birth from an Attachment Parenting perspective, and to celebrate the profound experience of childbirth.

Whether you had the perfect birth or one fraught with worry and complications, whether you chose pain relief or birthed naturally without medication, whether the birth was at home or at a hospital, every story is a valuable teaching tool for others and us.

A special note to expectant parents: The remarkable journey of new life is a positive, transformative experience. Pregnancy offers expectant parents an opportunity to prepare physically, mentally, and emotionally for parenthood. Making informed decisions about childbirth, newborn care, and parenting practices is a critical investment in the attachment relationship between parent and child. You can read about API’s Principle of Parenting: Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting here: http://attachmentparenting.org/principles/prepare.php.

Birth Story Guidelines

As you write your birth story, we invite you to reflect on the following questions. Not all of the questions may apply to your situation. Rather than answer all of the questions, please incorporate some of your reflections within your story, if they are applicable.

  • How did you educate yourself about birth and parenting? What were helpful resources? If you read the API Principle on Preparing for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting, what did you find helpful?
  • What did you think would be a certain way, only to find out it was different after you began learning about childbirth, parenting and attachment?
  • What are your beliefs about childbirth and parenting, and how have they made an impact on your choices?
  • What impact did your previous childbirth experiences, if any, have on your thoughts, feelings and decisions?
  • Did you have any negative emotions or fears surrounding pregnancy and childbirth, and how did you process them before the birth?
  • What kind of health care providers and birthing options did you choose and why?
  • What did you hope your childbirth experience would be like?
  • What kind of support did you receive during pregnancy from your partner, family or others? Did you join any support groups or forums?
  • Were there times during pregnancy or childbirth when your instincts were in conflict with what your health care providers suggested or demanded?
  • The childbirth experience: what happened, how did you feel and react, what role did others play in the process?
  • Were there aspects of “routine” newborn care that you felt strongly about, such as bathing, circumcision, eye drops, blood samples, collecting cord blood, and so on? Did your health care provider honor your choices?
  • Did you want to breastfeed? If yes, were you able to? How did your health care providers help or hinder this process?
  • Were there aspects of your pregnancy or birth experience that you regret or would like to have changed? How have you processed and healed negative emotions related to childbirth?
  • What kind of support did you receive after the birth from your partner, family, friends, health care professionals or support groups?

 

Attached Family magazine and Journal of API

Attached Family: Parenting Support Issue 2013

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The Attached Family 2012 Issue on Parenting Support is full of what every parent needs — support. This issue features articles on why TAFAPM2012it’s important, how to get it, and why API is so dedicated to providing it to families.

Access to the online publication is free of charge!

In addition to highlighting API support groups and AP Month partners local support, the Attached Family goes into:

Refocusing our perspective as a new parent
Breastfeeding on demand
Q&A: Separation anxiety in preschoolers
Benefits of touch
Cosleeping with older children means letting go
Q&A: AP-friendly childcare when giving birth
Q&A: Messy rooms & not wanting to clean up
Children learn from how parents handle emotions
“Ask a Leader” with Leyani Redditi & Cason Zarro
on handling criticism & newborn demands
“Becoming Parents” with Rita Brhel on cosleeping expectations
“Respond with Sensitivity” with Kelly Bartlett on listening skills
“Forget Me Not” with Patricia Mackie on loving your partner
“API Reads” with Stephanie Petters on Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Laura Markham
Are Support Groups Relevant in the Internet Age?
Parenting Support Survey
Calendar of Support
“The Support Group Experience” with Kathleen Mitchell-Askar & Bonnie Coffa
AP Month 2012: “Who Needs Group Support?” with Artimesia Yuen
Dear Readers
Contributors
Thank You to Our Donors
Welcome to API
What is Attachment Parenting?
API Support Group Directory
Notable Resources Beyond API

Uncategorized

The Latest Resources and Support from API

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Coming Soon to The Attached Family:

How Attachment Parenting may prevent bullying behavior in your child

 

December 2012 – API Links – Your monthly API e-newsletter

The December 2012 API Links edition links you to news on applying the API Principles to ourselves, cultivating empathy, surprising news on breastfeeding, colic, stress, resources for fatherhood, violence prevention, sibling rivalry, … and what kind of parent are you?

Keep up with API through API Links!

 

APtly Said blog – Ways of Parenting with Attachment in Mind

 

2012 in Review with API

Attachment Parenting International observed its 18th anniversary in 2012 because of dedicated leaders, volunteers, staff, and generous donors.

The anniversary was no small accomplishment given the fate of many nonprofits and businesses in recent years. Your response to API’s appeal last year was critical to API’s ability to continue another year. Your contributions making that happen demonstrated the importance of API’s work.

Here’s the difference we made together in 2012

You won’t believe how important parent support is…

…until you read it. You can. See what parents have to say. You can be the cause of even more ripples with API.

Help us sustain this impact and create more stories by making a financial contribution to API today.

 

 

API Support Groups

API of Downriver, Michigan (USA)

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By Kate Scheller, API Leader & Support Group Co-Leader

When did your group form?

We are excited to say that API of Downriver was formed last October, making this our one-year anniversary!

When a parent comes to your group, what can she/he expect? What meeting format do you have?

When a parent comes to a meeting, he/she can expect a very friendly and laid-back atmosphere. We have an excellent meeting space that holds books, toys, games, puzzles, puppets, etc. for the kids to play with. There is a room helper, and the children are always in view and can choose to play or sit near their parent.

We start with introductions and an icebreaker question, then move into the meeting topic. Our meeting style varies depending on the subject or the group; it’s really go with the flow. If it’s a very small group of just a couple of us, we try to make it more personalized within that given topic. No parent ever has to talk if they are not ready to do so. We really want all parents and child to feel comfortable and relaxed.

What kind of discussions does your group have? What are some common questions that parents answer?

We have all types of discussions. We really try to follow the group’s cues and steer our meeting to their needs and questions. I think the most common questions are about sleeping better, eating better, and behaving better…the 3 Bs! I have heard some really excellent responses from our parents. We seem pretty lucky to have such a great group of parents!

Are kids welcome?

Yes! Kids are encouraged to come, as well as dads! My oldest loves meeting days, because he gets to come play. We really have a great meeting location.

There is a stigma associated to support groups as well as support in general. What would you say to a parent who said that they didn’t need a support group because those were for “people with problems”?

I’d say, you really are missing out! If you asked any one of our members, not one would associate the group as a bunch of parents with problems. I think we all see it as a place to let your hair down, be in company with  who understands you, a place where you can speak freely, ask honest questions, and not be judged. It’s a place to bounce ideas off of other parents, share your knowledge, and gain some of theirs.

Anything else you’d like to share about the importance of parents attending API Support Groups?

If you haven’t yet attended an API meeting, now is the time. Even as a Leader, I still gain so much from our meetings. I think, sometimes, people have a fear of attending a meeting because they feel they aren’t “AP enough,” so if you are sitting out because that’s how you feel, that couldn’t be farther from the truth! There is no API standard. We all practice the principles in our own way; therefore, all of us can offer a unique perspective. At each meeting, we always remind parents to take what can fit and work into their family and leave the rest. I really can’t stress that enough. So what are you waiting for? Get to a meeting!

API Support Groups

API of Port Angeles, Washington (USA)

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By Naomi Davidson, API Leader & Support Group Leader, API’s Technology Coordinator

Congratulations on your accreditation as an API Leader! How does it feel?

I am very excited! It feels a lot like earning a degree. I went through a long process that required a lot of juggling, time management, and focus–and I finished it! Now I am eager to walk through the doors that this accomplishment has opened up for me.

What API Leader training was like?

There were many books to read: three required and four of my choice. Leader Applicant Liaison Lisa Feiertag sent many questions for me to answer, which came in stages. These questions caused me to do a lot of self-reflection, and the deeper I got in the process, the more I knew I wanted to become a leader. When I came to the role-playing exercise, I felt a bit intimidated, but with the great support of Lisa and a friend who recently became an API Leader, I was able to work through my challenges and successfully accomplish this task. The training overall was enriching and empowered me to feel like I will be a successful leader.

It took me a year and half from when I began the process to the end. However, I took about a nine-month break during this period, toward the end of my pregnancy and during our move to Port Angeles.

What prerequisites are there to becoming a leader?

A leader must agree with API’s Eight Principles of Parenting and the Leader Guidelines, submit an application, provide two recommendations, as well as become an API member and pay an application fee.

Why did you decide to become a leader?

I am extremely passionate about parenting, and I love all children. I want to do whatever I can to help children get their best start in the world. I believe all parents want this, and I believe API has the tools to accomplish it. I feel like my passion for Attachment Parenting and my experiences will help other parents either feel like they are not alone in their “different” form of parenting, or inspire them to listen to their inner voice and become more securely attached parents. I am looking for this support myself, and I believe starting a local group and being the leader will help me find the support I need and help me provide support for others.

What was your inspiration?

My happy children–all six of them–and my childhood. Peggy O’Mara has been my hero ever since I found Mothering Magazine many years ago. If I can help others raise secure, joyful, and empathetic children, I will feel like I have contributed to the positive changes in this world. This is my goal.

What do you look forward to most with leading an API Support Group?

I am new to my community and know very few people. I am very much looking forward to meeting other like-minded parents and being able to provide a positive environment where we can all connect, educate, and support each other.

What kind of format are you planning?

My first meetings will be the conversation style: leading a discussion with a prepared topic and encouraging other parents to share their thoughts. My meeting time is in the evening, so I plan to end the evening with a storytime for the kids. We’ll see how it grows from there.

How do you hope that your group can most benefit local families?

I want them to feel like they are not alone in their parenting journey, that they have a group they can turn to on those days when they run out of rope and need to find more, that they look forward to our times together, and that this time fills their parenting cup, so they can go home and be the best parents they can be. I also want my group to grow to have other events and traditions that will help provide the support needed to maintain happy families, such as a Welcome Baby program, regularly scheduled play dates, and gatherings.

2. The Infant, 3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent, Secondary Attachments: Fathers, Grandparents & Other Loved Ones

Creating a Village

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By Jenni Pertuset, parent consultant, API Leader in Seattle, Washington USA, http://apiseattle.org

The life of a parent can feel very isolated. Warm relationships with caring adults can sustain us when we’re struggling and help our children feel at ease when they’re away from home. So, how do we build the village we need to raise our children?

What is a Village?

My working definition of a “village” is that it is a connected community of caring adults who support us in nurturing our relationships with our children. A village isn’t just a set of friends. It is those friends, neighbors, extended family members, and acquaintances who, whether it’s intentional or even knowing, help deliver us as a parents to our children. We are of course not just recipients of support, but full participants, offering our caring and support to others.

Principles

Building a village requires effort and persistence. It is rare to stumble into a ready-made community where you are and feel immediately welcome. Even in inclusive and inviting organizations, it takes reaching out, showing up frequently, extending invitations repeatedly, and having patience.

It also requires vulnerability. This is apparent in the effort itself — extending ourselves and making invitations that may not be accepted can be challenging. And the challenge doesn’t end once we’ve established relationships, either. Opening our homes and our lives to other people also opens our heart to hurts, but we can hardly find genuine relationships without that willingness.

Building a strong village also requires accepting differences. While we’re all looking for people who share our values or who are otherwise like us, true community allows for diversity, where our connection is deeper than our similarities. (Although there is of course a point at which we will not sacrifice our values for the sake of connection.) Continue reading Creating a Village →