Category Archives: 3. The Toddler

From 18 months to age 3.

Yelling Works…and Other Parenting Myths Busted

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and API Leader

Family MythsSusie Walton used to yell at her kids – a lot.

“The older they got, the more I yelled,” recalled Walton, an International Network for Children and Families (INCAF) parent educator and author of Key to Personal Freedom who busted a few of the powerful myths outlined in her book during an INCAF teleseminar last week.

When her four boys – all within five years – were younger, yelling was a somewhat effective discipline, she admits. But that changed when they hit their teen years. Yelling no longer worked at all, and Walton was forced to find another way to interact with her children. She turned to positive discipline. As she acquired new skills and a new philosophy of parenting her children, one truth stood out among the others: that 95% of what children learn comes from what their parents model.

What was Walton teaching her sons by yelling? To solve problems, especially interpersonal conflicts, through exerting control over others.

Myth Busted: Validation Works Better Than Yelling

What Walton learned is that the strongest tool parents can use during a moment of conflict with their children is validation. Children, like adults, want to be heard and understood, even if the answer is still “no.”

For example, say a girl asks her father if she can turn on the television and he believes she has watched enough TV for the day. So, she begins to have a tantrum. What does Dad do?  What is not helpful is saying, “No, you can’t.” While the girl certainly wants the TV on, the way to resolve the situation is not to engage her in a power struggle over the on/off button. An example of an appropriate validation here is, “I know you want to watch the TV, but you’ve already watched two hours worth today and that is enough.”

Just as with yelling, the certainty of mainstream culture that spanking and other fear-based forms of punishment are effective at disciplining children is a myth. Parents don’t need to use punishments to get the behavior they seek in their children. The first challenge is for parents to realize this truth; the second, and harder, challenge is for the parents to adopt new ways of disciplining their children. Walton suggested parents first place limits on their behavior, making it a rule that they will not use threats, bribes, or other fear-based discipline tools on their children. With this rule in place, parents can then begin using the positive, teaching- and guidance-based discipline tools they can learn through books such as Attached at the Heart by Attachment Parenting International Co-founders Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, local API Support Group meetings, and other API resources.

It’s important, though, for parents to realize that it does take longer for children to learn a concept through positive discipline than through punishments, Walton said. However, once that child learns the concept, he is truly competent in it. Whereas, with punishments, a child behaves out of fear and does not learn the concept for the long term.

For example, a listener at the teleseminar described how her three-year-old son pushes and hits his 15-month-old sister. The mother is having a difficult time dealing with this sibling rivalry without resorting to spankings. Walton suggested she instead try validating her son’s feelings, acknowledging that his acting-out behavior is actually a cry for attention. To do so, Walton suggested the mother to give additional one-on-one attention to her son when he is not acting out, and when he does, to explain to him that it’s not OK to hit his sister and, if she wants more attention, all he needs to do is ask Mommy.

Myth Busted: Mistakes are Opportunities to Strengthen Connection with Our Children

No parent is perfect. We all make mistakes in relating to and interacting with our children. The key is learning to forgive ourselves but also learn from our mistakes – important not only for ourselves but for our children to learn. Walton explained how helpful it is for parents to look upon their children’s undesirable behavior not as something to be feared or ashamed of, but instead as opportunities for learning.

For example, a listener at the teleseminar described how her three-year-old daughter makes grocery shopping difficult because she grabs items off the shelf. She tells her daughter over and over not to touch things on the shelf. Walton suggested that the mother set up a mock grocery store at home and role play the behaviors she wishes to see first at home before going out to the store. Then, before going into the store, the mother would explain to her daughter that she isn’t to touch anything without Mom saying OK, just like when they play at home. Finally, when her daughter starts knocking items off the shelf, the mother should continue to focus on teaching her daughter to clean up and put the items back.

“Teach, teach, teach,” Walton said. “And when she does make a mistake, say ‘I love you, and we’re going to be OK,’ and help her clean up.”

Myth Busted: No One Knows Your Child Better Than You

One of Walton’s favorite parenting tools is to allow children to be children. She recalls a neighbor telling her, when her boys were young, that she needed to exert more control over them. She opted not to take this advice, because she enjoyed her time with her sons. She thought it was fun to let them be who they were, instead of trying to force them into certain behaviors to please those outside her family.

Walton said new parents are barraged constantly with advice from their family, friends, pediatrician, neighbors, and even strangers. But, no matter what others may claim, the real parenting expert for your child and in your family is you. And parents do best to only embrace the parenting tools and philosophies that they find are best for their individual family. For example, parents who cosleep with their children shouldn’t do it because a book said to and shouldn’t stop doing it because they saw a television ad that said so. Each family should be cosleeping or not because that is what they have found works best for their family.

In another example, it is Walton’s belief that parents cannot love their child too much. Others criticize this parenting approach, saying that they will spoil their children. Walton said they can spoil their children by teaching them that love equals material possessions, rather than being derived from emotionally healthy relationships. This parenting approach works for Walton, and no one’s criticism, or approval, weighs as much as on the decision to continue a nurturing parenting approach as what Walton sees working for her children.

Myth Busted: You Can Be Friends with Your Children

Many parents don’t like the thought of being friends with their children, because they connect that idea with an image of overly permissiveness. We know that children need discipline. They need boundaries.

Children also need parents who care and who are willing to listen when they talk about the joys and challenges of their day. The myth that parents can’t be friends with their kids stems from the image of a parent buying alcoholic beverages for their underage teens and perhaps even partying with them. What Walton is meaning is that parents need to give of their time to be with their children and, as was the theme of the 2008 Attachment Parenting Month, to give presence instead of presents.

Being friends with your children doesn’t mean that parents give up striving for personal and family life or not setting and maintaining boundaries and limits for their children’s behaviors, as outlined by the Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting. Parents still need to maintain their self-respect by keeping their parenting approach family-centered rather than child-centered, and parents must remember that discipline is a vital parenting tool.

For example, Walton said her sons used to tell dirty jokes around her, so she talked to them about her concerns. Walton didn’t let her children do  all that they wanted, as it was affecting her sense of balance. Motherhood martyrdom eventually breeds resentment.

The Price Families Pay for Myths

Too many families are stuck living according to these and other myths about parenting and child behavior. They’re trapped by their expectations that children should “act their age” and fears of spoiling their children, Walton said. They cannot truly enjoy parenthood and family life.

“What it can cost is that freedom to create the family we aspire to,” Walton said. And it can cost the child’s development of creativity, emotional regulation and ability to healthily attach to others, and other life skills. Walton calls on parents to bust the myths that constrict their family life – to break free of the bonds of fear and expectations, so that they can experience fulfillment in their parenting roles and reap the rewards of a close, connected family: “When we let go of these myths, it creates so much freedom.”

What myths have you busted in your family life?

How to Play with Your Toddler

By Emily Rempe, founder of Productive Parenting

We are all too aware of how modern technology is changing our lifestyles. Arguments could be made with much validity on each side to the merits and detriments of its steady infiltration into our lives. I am not writing to deny or defend the impacts of modern technology in our society and in our families. Rather, I am writing to declare with confidence one area that remains unsurpassed by modern technology – your child’s play.

Children are designed to explore and understand the world around them through their senses. Their primary field guides in this exploration is you: the parent. Parents understand the importance of this role and aspire to introduce their young children to the world around them in creative and engaging ways. However motivated parents may be, when it comes to specific ways of engaging with their children in meaningful play, I often hear a collectively shared experience of inadequacy. This is when it becomes easy to buy into modern technology in an attempt to provide us with a commercialized means to nurture our children.

Why Do We Feel Inadequate?

I would like to offer my thoughts on why the perceived sense of inadequacy exists and how it can be alleviated. A generation ago, our mothers’ educational opportunities were primarily limited to nursing and teaching. As these teachers became mothers, they naturally applied what they were doing in the classroom to their own children. The understanding of early childhood development easily translated into age appropriate ways of engaging with their own brood.

While it is wonderful that the opportunities available to women today are much broader, it has created a need for early childhood experts to share their expertise with parents who have become educated and skilled in other areas of study.

Components of Meaningful Play

When parents are equipped with the insights and ideas of early childhood experts to promote learning through the five senses, two key developments take place that cannot be usurped by modern technology:

  1. It promotes experiential learning through a child’s five senses which lays a fundamental understanding of the world around them.
  2. Sharing the learning experiences together promotes and deepens bonds between parent and child that will lay a strong foundation for their future relationship.

When we as parents become a vital part of this nurturing process through activities that promote bonding between parent and child, we are well on our way of fulfilling our role. Equipped with timeless activities that have been nurturing young minds for centuries, we do not need to feel inadequate in our approach.

Attachment-Promoting Toddler Games

Below are a few examples of play activities that engage the senses and strengthen the attachment bond between you and your toddler. These suggestions come from ProductiveParenting.com, which offers simple ways to bond with your newborn through five-year-old child.

Clapping Numbers
Clapping Numbers gameTarget Age: Early 2 year old

What To Do: Children learn using the sense of hearing. Listening and following directions are important skills for your child. Introduce this fun activity by saying, “I will clap one time.” Clap. “I will clap two times.” Clap. Clap. Continue up to four times. Have your child try clapping one, two, three, and four times. Continue only if your child is still interested.

Phone Conversations
Phone Conversations gameTarget Age: Middle 2 year old
Materials You Will Need: Two toy phones or disconnected phones

What To Do: Your child has seen and heard you on the phone many times. Now may be the time to let your child have a conversation with you on the phone! Dial your home number. Say it out loud as you dial. Talk to your child. Give your child time to talk to you. Show your child how to dial the home number. Keep the phones on the toy shelf for playtime.

Letter to Myself
Letter to Myself gameTarget Age: Late 2 year old
Materials You Will Need: paper, envelope, stamp

What To Do: Children love to bring in the mail! Help your child understand how this works firsthand with today’s activity! Begin by having your child write a letter. (This usually means drawing.) Put your child’s letter in an envelope. Address the letter to your child. Let your child put a stamp on the envelope. Take your child to a mailbox and let your child put the letter in the mailbox. Let your child check the mail every day until the letter arrives. Children are so excited to receive mail, just like you do!

Past, Present, Future
Target Age: Early 3 year old

What To Do: Today’s activity will help develop your child’s concept of time. Discuss the concepts of past, present, and future with your child. Give your child a few examples of things that have happened in the past (last birthday, last vacation, etc.), and see if your child can come up with some, too. Now discuss today’s events as things that are happening in the present. Do the same for things that will or may happen in the future. Test your child’s understanding of the concept by giving your child an event and asking him/her to categorize it.

Coin Patterning
Coin Patterning gameTarget Age: Late 3 year old
Materials You Will Need: assortment of coins

What To Do: While waiting in a restaurant, use the coins you have in your pocket or wallet to practice patterning with your child. Start with simple patterns, like penny, nickel, penny, nickel and see if your child can continue the pattern. Try more complicated patterns with more than two coins or let your child come up with his/her own patterns.

Diverting Anger in Toddlers

By Gaynell Payne

angry toddlerWith toddlerhood comes tantrums. While some parents are taken by surprise by the seemingly violent appearance of a child raised in a non-violent home, it is a perfectly natural rite of passage for any child. The reasons behind it are simple: lots of emotions with little logic. The emotions that can overtake a toddler can be a floodgate of overwhelming proportions.

I’m OK, You’re OK

While watching their sweet angel turn into a hitting and kicking tornado may leave some parents at their wits’ end, the idea is not to suppress your child’s anger or frustration but to teach him to control them. In a young child, the strength of his emotions can be scary for him, also. That’s why it’s important that the parents stay in control of themselves during a tantrum. When you do, you are showing him by example how to maintain calm in stressful situations, even if it doesn’t seem like he’s getting that picture yet. If you’re out of control, then you are in effect asking your child to do what you cannot: calm his intense emotions. In this situation, a child’s fear of his “out of control” emotions may eventually escalate into what psychologists call magical thinking, according to Abnormal Psychology by Leonard Zusne and Warren Jones. “If mommy can’t handle my emotions, who can? They must be too strong for anyone.” This could lead to an abundance of issues in adulthood.

No one is perfect – at least, no one I’ve met. The best of parents will occasionally fail to maintain perfect calm and no one will be injured for it, but on the whole that is the goal. If you empathize – put yourself aside and try to see things from your child’s point of view – it is easier to be compassionate and not lose your cool.

Give It an Outlet

Anger isn’t a very fun thing to have bouncing around in your insides. It’s got to come out somehow and  preferably in a way that is acceptable to the rest of the family. For me, I’ve found that some wonderful advice, such as handing my son a crayon and asking him to draw his emotions, didn’t apply to a child under three. When my two year old would try to hit me, I’d take his hands and say, “You’re really mad! I know you’re mad! Hit your hands together!” I’d pretend I was mad, too, to show him. I’d clap my hands together, growl, and say “I’m mad!” He’d clap his hands together as hard as he could and growl.

Validate

Part of why this tactic works for him is he feels validated. Validation involves listening to your child, then reflecting back to him what he is feeling.

We all feel sometimes like we are speaking a foreign language. We’re trying to talk, but the person we are talking to just doesn’t “get it.” If it’s someone very important to us, this can lead to a rainbow of very ugly feelings like frustration and despair. To a child experiencing this, those feelings can quickly escalate into rage and hopelessness. This is true from birth. Crying is the only language that infants possess. Picking up our babies to comfort them instead of letting them “cry it out” is the earliest form of validation.

When our babies grow into toddlers, their ways of communicating have evolved a little bit but not that much. It’s still a rare child who can always rationalize what he is feeling and communicate his needs. Many adults haven’t mastered that skill! It is still up to us to help them recognize what they are feeling, identify it, and work through it.

To a baby, it is enough to pick them up and change his diaper when he’s wet. They learn that “Oh, I was uncomfortable, because I was wet. Mommy fixed that.” They not only get a clean diaper but two added bonuses: They learn why they were unhappy, and they learn that someone cared enough to see it and fix it. Knowing that someone cares enough to do that for you is one of the basic emotional needs of humanity. Relationships of all types are won and lost in that regard.

A two year old is just entering the real meat of the emotional arena. Some see their constant need for emotional reassurance as manipulation or a weakness that must be toughened up. But humans are hard-wired to seek out validation at any age. We must know from someone that we are OK as we are, cared for, and loved. A toddler especially is in an age of discovery: so many new challenges and things he is learning to do, and having trouble doing, and things he can’t or isn’t allowed to do. It can all tie in to a child’s sense of self-worth. The newness that a toddler finds herself suddenly experiencing leaves her needing more reassurance.

Most of the time, it is relatively easy to validate a child. All you have to do is pay attention, and reflect back what you see. ”I know you’re mad, (sad), (frustrated), (you’re smiling, are you happy today?)” A validated child feels loved and in sync with the world.

I could tell that my son and I were making progress when we were in the mall and he wanted to go play in the toy store. Again. We were on our way out, and we had already stopped there earlier. I told him “No, it was time to go home.” He drug his feet and finally sat down and said, “I’m mad!”

“You’re mad?” I replied. “I know you’re mad! I know you wanted to play with the toys. But we still have to go now.”

He climbed to his feet and came with me without any more protest. He had just wanted me to know that he was mad. I was proud of his ability to tell me what he was feeling instead of throwing a fit.

Play It Out

Children love to play pretend, and it can be rewarding and fun for an adult to play, too. It is also a wonderful learning tool. Adults can use pretend to teach a child what to do when a real situation arises.

“Pretending that you’re mad” is a fun game for most children. This is the easiest time to show them healthy ways to be angry. This play time gives your child the opportunity to decide what works best for him, or to even come up with his own stuff. One of our favorite books, My Two Hands, My Two Feet by Rick Walton and Julia Gorton, has a line that says: “When I’m mad, I stomp my feet, like drummers as they beat, beat, beat.” My son would joyfully pretend that he was mad and stomp his feet.

The next time he’d get really mad, I’d say, “You’re really mad! Stomp you’re feet; you’re so mad!” And he would, crying through his tears, “Beat, beat, beat!”

It takes repetition for a child to learn to use their new diversion instead of hitting mommy or daddy, or the cat. That’s when you’d just gently take their hands and say, “No, don’t hit Mommy. If you’re mad, clap your hands together.”

Anger Management: Ways to Say ‘I’m Mad!’

  • Clap your hands
  • Stomp your feet
  • Growl
  • Say “I’m mad!”
  • Color a picture with angry scribbles
  • Get a cloth and twist it really tight
  • Hit a pillow

I’m Mad, Too

Sometimes, the best way to teach is by example. Some days we all just get overwhelmed. When you’re upset and he’s yelling, an honest “I’m mad!” said in a childish, exaggerated way may feel silly coming from mommy, but you’re showing your child that you’re human, too. This could be when that light of dawning association may occur: “Mommy said it like I say it. Is she feeling like I felt yesterday?” This is the beginning buds of empathy. As parents, this is one of our ultimate goals! A child who learns healthy ways of handling his emotions will feel emotionally balanced and more in tuned to everyone else around him.

Keep a Sense of Humor

You’ve talked, you’ve validated, he’s still “mad,” and you’re both a weepy mess. It’s time to change the subject. Children have a harder time walking away because for them, everything is now. Joke, make light of the situation (but never make fun of him!), and have fun. Kids are very eager to play – it’s what they do! As parents, it’s important for us also to remember that it’s not the end of the world. Tantrums happen. It’s not a personal attack; it’s just childhood.

Whatever methods you prefer, the important thing is that, as parents, we work towards showing our children what to do when they are angry or upset.  When we do that, we are also showing them that it is OK to feel the way they do. There is no shame in feeling angry. With this validation, they can go on to eventually learn more mature ways of dealing with their emotions.

Sources for Adult Anger Management

  • Boy Town – BoysTown.org,  1-800-448-3000
  • United Way – LiveUnited.org
  • Child and Family Support Center – 1-877-900-CFSC
  • National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-7233
  • Domestic Violence Hotline/Child Abuse – 1-800-4-A-CHILD
  • Family Violence Prevention Center – 1-800-313-1310

How do you help your toddler deal with her anger?

A Resource for Parents of Picky Eaters

By Heidi Green ©, reprinted with permission from BabyGooRoo.com

MyPyramid for PreschoolersFive years ago, I had very firm ideas about childhood nutrition. “Balanced meals” was my mantra. I presented plates with foods of different colors (indicating different nutrients), and I sought out whole foods, natural foods, and organic foods. My firstborn stuck up his nose at much of it. Even the foods children are “supposed” to love – macaroni and cheese, pizza, and hot dogs – earned his disdain.

I quickly went through what I now think of as the Five Stages of Preschooler Feeding Grief:

  • Denial – “He’ll eat it next time.”
  • Anger – “Why won’t he eat this?!”
  • Bargaining – “Eat this if you want dessert.”
  • Depression – “What’s the point in cooking good foods if he won’t eat them?”
  • Acceptance – “Well, he is a healthy boy in spite of being picky.”

And that’s the important truth: my now five-year-old son is a healthy child. He’s lean and active, energetic, and funny. And while he still prefers the foods he accepted easily, he has broadened his palate some. A little bit.

MyPyramid for Preschoolers

The title of this U.S. federal government’s subpopulation-specific nutrition pyramid, MyPyramid for Preschoolers available at ChooseMyPlate.gov, is something of a misnomer. After all, preschoolers won’t use it themselves. Most don’t read. It’s a sure bet that none are planning their own meals! So this tool is, more accurately, for parents of preschoolers. Still, those who are planning meals for children between the ages of two and five may find it helpful.

Like the other MyPyramid modules, the preschoolers’ site is customizable. Parents can enter in their children’s information, and find out information related to:

  • Growth charts – Body Mass Index and height-for-age charts are available. Unfortunately, although the site does acknowledge that there is a “wide range of normal growth,” it still encourages parents to “see where your child compares to other [children].” Truly, growth charts should compare a child to himself, over time. Also, the growth charts provided here are the typical NHANES (National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey) charts and not those developed by the World Health Organization as a result of a seven-year, international study of optimally-fed infants. No mention is made of those charts.
  • Eating habits – Some pretty common-sense information will give parents a starting place. Suggestions include: set a good example, offer a variety of foods, start with small portions, help them know when they’ve had enough, follow a meal and snack schedule, make mealtime a family time, and more.
  • Feeding picky eaters – If the toddlers I have known are any indication, I predict this will be the most-visited part of the site! Parents can look here for guidance about common types of picky eating, how to cope with it, and how to get preschoolers to try new foods.
  • Physical activity – Again, the suggestions seem to be largely common sense. Do parents really need to be told that they should be role models in this area? Do they need to be told that engaging in family activities leads to more activity for their children? The section on how to keep your active preschooler safe sounds promising, but actually only links to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention site with just six tips.
  • Food safety rules – Clean, chill, separate, and cook are rules that apply to food preparation for any eaters, but tips about choking hazards and prevention may be helpful.

Of Note for Parents

Childhood obesity is a serious problem – and I can’t help but think that maybe the physical activity page should have been above the growth charts. Since physical activity is important for everyone, I’d rather have parents focus on what their children are doing than on these numbers!

Still, this site might be helpful as a discussion-starter for parents who are starting to grapple with the problem of picky eating in their preschoolers. If nothing else, it might help parents move from the Stages of Preschooler Feeding Grief to a more practical, problem-solving construct.

Even if it doesn’t, take heart. A friend told me of a child she once knew who seemed to survive on just doughnuts and pizza. Try as his parents might, they faced insurmountable opposition to other foods! What happened to the child? These days, he’s a strong, healthy pediatrician.

This brings us back to the final stage of Preschooler Feeding Grief: Acceptance. Parents, look at your children. Most times, they turn out healthy in spite of picky eating.

Use Massage to Reconnect at the End of the Work Day

By Tina Allen, LMT, CPMMT, CPMT, CIMT

Infant massageIn today’s world economy, we often find that most parents are working outside of the home. This may mean a two parent home has both parents working outside of the home to keep their bills paid and food on the table. This may also mean that we see a reversal of roles, as compared to our 1950s ideals of families, where a father may stay at home with the children while the mother works outside of the home. Or the traditional stay-at-home mother while the father is working.

In any case, we find that the children are missing out on valuable nurturing and bonding time with their parents.

While it is essential that parents work to support their families, it is also essential that parents find ways to connect and bond with their children. To support children, show them they are loved and provide care and attention. Continue reading Use Massage to Reconnect at the End of the Work Day

Stop the Biting

By Elizabeth Pantley, excerpted with permission from Perfect Parenting

Stop the biting“Today at our play group my son bit my friend’s daughter! My friend acted like it was a normal childhood problem, and told me not to worry about it, but I’m horrified! Why did my son do this? How can I prevent it from happening again?”

Your friend has obviously had some experience with toddlers, and she knows that biting a playmate is common in this age group. (Perhaps her daughter has already been on the other side of the action.) Toddlers don’t have the words to describe their emotions, they don’t quite know how to control their feelings, and they don’t have any concept of hurting another person. When a toddler bites a friend, it most likely isn’t an act of aggression: It is simply an immature way of trying to get a point across, experimentation with cause and effect, or playfulness gone awry.

What Not To Do about Biting

Many parents respond emotionally when their toddler uses his teeth on another human being; their immediate response is anger, followed by punishment. This is because we view the act from an adult perspective. However, if we can understand that a toddler bite is most likely a responsive reflex, we can avoid responding in the following typical, yet unnecessary and ineffective ways:

  • Don’t bite your child back to “show him how it feels.” He isn’t purposefully hurting his playmate. He doesn’t understand that what he did is wrong, so by responding with the same action you may actually be reinforcing that this is an acceptable behavior, or confusing him entirely.
  • Don’t assume that your child is willfully misbehaving. The ways that you’ll treat these behaviors in an older child, who understands that biting is wrong, will be different than how you will approach this with a toddler.
  • Don’t yell at your toddler. This will do nothing more than scare her; it won’t teach her anything about what she’s just done.

What To Do about Biting

When you understand that your child’s actions are normal, and that they aren’t intentional misbehavior, you will be able to take the right steps to teach her how to communicate her anger and frustration. This takes time, and she’ll need more than one lesson. Here’s how to teach your child not to bite:

  • Watch and intercept — As you become familiar with your toddler’s actions, you may be able to stop a bite even before it even occurs. If you see that your child is getting frustrated or angry – perhaps in the middle of a tussle over a toy – step in and redirect her attention to something else.
  • Teach — Immediately after your toddler bites another child, look her in the eye and tell her in one or two short sentences what you want her to know, such as, “Biting hurts. We don’t bite. Give Emmy a hug now. That will make her feel better.” Then, give your child a few hints on how she should handle her frustration next time; “If you want a toy, you can ask for it or come to Mommy for help.”
  • Avoid playful biting — Nibbling your little one’s toes or playfully nipping his fingers sends a mixed message to your child. A little one won’t understand when biting another person is OK and when it’s not, nor is she able to judge the pressure she’s putting into the bite. As she gets a little older, she will start to understand that some things can be done carefully and gently in play, but not in anger. This takes a little more maturity to understand three-quarters more than you can expect your toddler to have at her young age.
  • Give more attention to the injured child — Typically, we put all our energy into correcting the biter’s actions and we don’t give the child who was bitten any consolation. Soothing the child who was bitten can show your child that his actions caused another child fear or pain. You can even encourage your child to help sooth his friend.

Discuss this topic with other API members and parents. Get advice for your parenting challenges, and share your tips with others on the API Forum.

Parenting without Spoiling

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

AP doesn't spoil childrenNeighbor: “Oh, your children are always so wonderful to be around! I can tell that you take parenting seriously.”

Parent: “Thank you! I think they’re wonderful, too, but of course I’m a little biased, so it’s nice to hear compliments from others. Thanks again!”

Neighbor: “I just don’t know what’s wrong with the world today. What don’t more parents be parents? Back in my day, parents didn’t put up with what they put up with now. We weren’t afraid to discipline our children. I’m so glad there’s someone in this younger generation who spanks their children.”

Parent: “Oh, but I don’t spank.”

Neighbor, surprised: “Oh, oh, of course not. Too controversial. Well, those timeouts must certainly be working then. I wouldn’t have thought it, you know, since the paddle worked so well for my children. I guess the point is that you’re punishing your children when they need it.”

Parent, calmly: “I don’t use timeouts, either. In fact, I don’t use any sort of punishment.”

Neighbor, obviously disapproving: “Well! You’re going to ruin your children! They’re going to grow up to be spoiled brats like all the other kids in this neighborhood!”

Parent, firmly but also calm and empathic of Neighbor’s view: “I may not punish, but I choose to use gentle discipline. I focus on teaching my children calmly and lovingly. I find this is best for my family, and as you had said, my children’s behavior show that it’s just as effective – if not more so – than other discipline forms that focus on punishments.”

Neighbor, defensively and indignantly: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. What you’re doing is not discipline. You’re spoiling your children. You’re an irresponsible, selfish parent, and you’re going to pay for it as your children grow older and walk all over you and turn into drug users and criminals. If you really loved your children, you’d spank them or at least use timeouts.”

Oh, how quickly, this real conversation turned sour once the neighbor learned of the parent’s childrearing approach and began to apply her judgments on the situation. How ironic that the neighbor began by praising the children’s behavior but couldn’t accept the parenting style responsible for it.

What is this fear of spoiling? Much of it is probably rooted in religious doctrines as well as in past generations’ cultural norms, but there is definitely a pervasive fear that if parents choose certain parenting approaches that don’t align with the popular childrearing techniques, that they’re going to spoil their children – and apparently bring the whole of society to a ruin. Continue reading Parenting without Spoiling

America’s Family Crisis: Parental Depression Putting 15 Million U.S. Children at Risk

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

America's Family CrisisDepression is beyond epidemic proportions, not only in the United States but in many societies around the world. People like to blame more recent economic downturns, but these high rates of depression have been an ongoing concern for many years from before the stock markets took a dive.

If depression was the H1N1 Influenza virus (a.k.a. swine flu), no one would venture to the streets or grocery store without a face mask for fear of transmission, schools and businesses would be closed indefinitely, and medical clinics and hospital emergency rooms would be packed with people clamoring for screening and treatment.

But depression isn’t contagious like the flu – although it certainly is more debilitating and has just as much potential to kill. It doesn’t spread by sneezing and coughing, but it is still “contagious” in that people living with a depressed significant attachment figure, whether adult-adult or parent-child, are more likely to develop depression themselves and all that comes with this illness – the hopelessness, the sorrow or anger depending on the person’s response, the suicidal thoughts and possible attempts.

Depression is pervasive in the United States, and it is devastating to families – to marital relationships and to children’s development. We know through attachment research and neuroscience that the way we are parented not only affects the behavior we use in reaction to stressful events but also changes the way our brains work and our genes express brain chemistry reactions to stress. This means that if we are parented in such a way that consistently teaches us to react poorly to stress and conditions our brain to release stress chemicals at high rates, we are literally creating a child who will grow up into an adult who is prone to depression and all that comes with it.

Our families are in crisis.

New Report Brings to Light the Impact of Parental Depression

A new report, Depression in Parents, Parenting, and Children: Opportunities to Improve Identification, Treatment, and Prevention, was released by the National Research Council and Institute of Medicine of the National Academies last week at a public briefing in Washington, D.C. Attachment Parenting International attended via webcast.

The National Academies consist of the National Academy of Sciences, the National Academy of Engineering, the Institute of Medicine, and the National Research Council. They are private, nonprofit institutes that provide science, technology, and health policy advice to the United States under a congressional charter.

Depression in Parents, Parenting, and Children explores the interaction of depressed parents and their parenting practices, and the impact on children. It also proposes strategies to promote more effective interventions, as well as recommendations for improving the quality of care for depressed parents and their children. The study was funded by the Annie E. Casey Foundation, The California Endowment, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the U.S. Health Resources and Services Administration, and the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

Report committee members who attended the briefing included: Chair Mary Jane England, MD, president of Regis College in Weston, Massachusetts; William Beardslee, MD, professor of child psychiatry at Children’s Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts; Mareasa Isaacs, PhD, executive director of the National Alliance of Multi-Ethnic Behavioral Health Associations in Bethesda, Maryland; and Frank Putnam, MD, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center in Cincinnati, Ohio.

The Prevalence of Depression

The briefing opened with an overview of depression in the United States, presented by Isaacs. The exact number of people affected with depression is difficult to pinpoint, but it’s estimated that only one-third of adults with the illness actually receive treatment. In some sample communities, as many as 70% of people with depression go without treatment. Although depression treatment is very effective, there are a number of factors preventing people from seeking help: the stigma of mental illness, lack of transportation, inability to afford services and medication, language and cultural barriers, and lack of providers or at least those with training in identifying and treating depression.

Despite not knowing the full extent of depression, there are several tendencies that Isaacs pointed out:

  • Women have double the rate of depression as men.
  • Caregivers are more likely to have depression.
  • Depression typically first shows in adolescence or young adulthood.
  • Those living in poverty are more likely to have depression.
  • Depression is more common among adults who are separated or divorced than those who are married.
  • Depression rarely appears alone – 75% of people who suffer from depression also suffer from traumatic histories such as sexual abuse or exposure to early childhood violence, substance abuse, a medical condition, or another mental health disorder especially anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder.
  • The development of depression rests in a combination of genetic susceptibility, environmental factors, and individual vulnerability. Depression is as much the result of other issues in a person’s life, as it is the indicator that there are additional problems.
  • The majority of adults suffering from depression are parents.

The Impact of Parental Depression

It is this last point – that the majority of adults suffering from depression are parents – that is the take-home message. It is estimated that in the United States alone, one in five parents are affected by depression each year, or approximately 7.5 million. Here’s the kicker: 15.6 million children under age 18 live in these households where at least one parent is depressed, Isaacs said. Depending on the age of the child, they can be as much as 40% more likely to develop depression themselves with just one depressed parent in the home, said Putnam said – let alone both parents. “Mothers and fathers are often depressed together,” Beardslee added.

Remember what we know about attachment and how this affects the development of our children. For more than 15 million children in the United States, either their primary attachment figure or a strong secondary attachment figure is depressed and modeling all that comes with it.

“Depression is primarily a family issue,” Isaacs said. “It affects not only the individual but also children and other members of the family. It affects parenting.”

While the majority of research in parental depression has included mothers only, the few studies that have been conducted on fathers shows that the impact of children living with a depressed secondary attachment figure is just as devastating as living in a home with only the primary attachment figure suffering from depression, she said.

“Many people don’t get treatment, and those who do, don’t for years,” said Beardslee. “This makes a great impact on the family.”

Depressed parents tend to raise their children in an emotionally detached, withdrawn parenting style that affects the development of attachment, Putnam said. People with depression use fewer positive parenting approaches and more intrusive handling of children, and the end result is a child who is himself withdrawn.

“Depression causes terrible suffering,” in both parents and children, Beardslee said. Depression effectively destroys the attachment between a parent and child. The inconsistencies in parenting by depressed parents leads to a break in trust between the child and his parent. Long-standing depression causes neglect and often abuse. While depression symptoms manifest themselves differently in each person, women tend to be sad and withdrawn while men tend to be irritable and acting out.

Beardslee told of one mother who described what depression does to her parenting: When she isn’t depressed, she has very positive, emotionally close, and healthy interactions with her 12-year-old son, and when he comes home from school, they go through a routine of talking with, playing, and otherwise spending time with one another. But, when she is depressed, all that positive parenting disappears – she puts her son in front of the television and ignores the routine and his emotional and physical needs.

This break in routine, which is so important especially for older children, greatly affects the mental health of the child, Beardslee said. He feels inadequate, as though he is to be blamed for his mother’s withdrawal. Her depression affects his self esteem and models her poor responses to stress – significantly increasing the risk that he will eventually develop depression himself and unhealthy coping mechanisms expressed through social, behavioral, and other mental problems. He will feel the effects of chronic parental depression long after his mother’s depression is treated.

Not every parent with depression will inadvertently or deliberately cause harm to their children, but parental depression increases the risks for spillover consequences during critical periods of child and adolescent development.

“We’re very concerned about the impact on children,” Putnam said. While there is only a 2-4% risk of a small child developing depression when there is a depressed parent in the home, this risk jumps up to 20-40% in adolescents. “What also comes with this is the risk of substance abuse,” which is predominant among depressed individuals, Putnam added.

“To break the vicious circle of depression, we need to refocus our view of this illness through a broader lens that sees the whole family, not just the individual with depression,” England said. Beardslee added: “We need to think about people who are depressed as parents first, and individuals with depression second.”

This goes beyond postpartum maternal and infant depression – the screening and treatment of which is becoming increasingly more commonplace in the medical care community: “The first few years of life are crucial, but we need to look more into the long term,” Beardslee said.

The Report Committee’s Recommended Solution

Currently, most screening and treatment of depression happens in primary medical care settings, Beardslee said. However, because depression is more typical in families living in poverty and perhaps without the means to see a doctor, there must be more avenues for depressed parents to find help. Because depressed parents are often withdrawn and difficult to engage, more types of service providers outside the mental health system need to be trained to spot the symptoms of depression and to direct those who need help to accessible entries into the health care system.

Once parents seek treatment, the mental health care system must change the way it treats this illness. Because of the impact on children, interventions should adopt a two-generational approach – parent and child – to effectively treat depression in families, Beardslee said.

Putnam listed these critical components to an effective model of family-centered treatment for depression:

  • Integrative – meaning that all factors contributing toward the depression must be identified, whether this includes poverty, marital issues, health problems, etc.
  • Comprehensive – meaning that all co-occurring conditions must be identified and addressed, such as substance abuse and anxiety disorders.
  • Multi-generational – which encompasses screening and treatment for both parents and children by one mental health care provider rather than by separate providers who often don’t know the full extent of depression on the family members.
  • Preventive – which includes teaching parents positive parenting skills and skills to cope better with stress.
  • Developmentally appropriate – any treatment should appropriate to the particular age group of the children involved.
  • Accessible – screening should be available through programs frequently used by at-risk families such as home visitation, Headstart and other school-based programs, federal nutrition programs, etc., and those parents who are identified as depressed should then be assisted in navigating the mental health system to receive treatment. In addition, the financial barriers of at-risk families must be addressed – many may not have insurance or income, and those who are able to afford services may have difficulty paying for services for more than one person in the family. Also, the mental health system must look into ways of delivering services in nontraditional settings to be able to reach at-risk families, including schools, prisons, community programs, and even homes.
  • Culturally sensitive – which includes techniques to overcome language barriers, stigmas, etc.

“There are a number of exciting initiatives with parts of these features, but no program yet has all of these features,” Putnam said. As it is now, “parents with depression are like orphans” in the mental health system, he added.

To jump-start this model, Putnam suggested the mental health system focus first on implementing a two-generational, more comprehensive focus. More health care providers need to receive training specifically in multi-generational depression. Practices should look into ways that would reduce the financial impact on at-risk families such as charging on a sliding scale, combining children and parent charges into one office visit instead of two, and negotiating with insurance companies to provide same-day reimbursements on medical care services. Once programs are in place that effectively treat family depression, they should be included in training models for other providers.

In addition, more research dollars need to be allocated toward studies that look at the impact of parental depression on children as well as the differences between the impact of depression in fathers and mothers, Putnam said.

The report committee said this report represents a call for urgency from the U.S. Surgeon General and the various mental health organizations and agencies – a major mental health concern that needs to have a working plan in place in the next six to eight months.

What is API Doing?

API actively helps parents who are prone to depression or are depressed by teaching parenting skills and providing resources to help parents develop better ways of coping with stress and strong emotions. According to researchers at the University of Michigan, who reviewed the numerous studies on the subject, there is a link between social support and wellness. Support networks are vital not only in preventing depression but also in its treatment. Local API Support Groups provide parents with a way to develop a solid support system that can follow them through their child’s many developmental stages and the challenges that come with them.

And if parents do fall into depression, API Leaders can help direct parents to the treatment they need as well as continue providing support through the local group or personal consultations, free of charge.

Discuss this topic with other API members and parents. Get advice for your parenting challenges, and share your tips with others on the API Forum.

What Attachment Parenting Does for Your Child’s Future

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

Attachment as adults

Especially if you’re new to Attachment Parenting, you may be wondering what does parenting have to do with your adult relationships. Quite a lot, if you understand the impact of healthy and unhealthy parent-child attachments on the child. In fact, you could say it has to do with everything about our adult relationships.

The attachment bond you had with your primary caregiver – most likely your mother – is your model for how a relationship should work for the rest of your life. For some of us, that attachment bond was loving and nurturing and we find our adult relationships relatively easy. For many of us, we may have some difficulties in our adult relationships, mainly in trust issues, indicating that there were inconsistencies in the response by our primary caregiver when we were younger. And for some of us, our childhood homes were downright neglectful and abusive and our natural tendency in our adult relationships is not to have a relationship at all.

Because humans are social beings, having close relationships is an essence of life. Without working relationships, we are at risk for depression and anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, and other unhealthy and risky behaviors that we use to fill a void in our lives left by the needs left unmet in our first loving relationship – that with our parents. The success of this first attachment bond in our lives is what shapes the way our brain works, influencing the way we cope to stress, how we see ourselves, our expectations of others, and our ability to maintain healthy relationships all through our lives. Continue reading What Attachment Parenting Does for Your Child’s Future

Abolishing Corporal Punishment of Children

From the Council of Europe

Council of Europe pushing to ban corporal punishmentThe Council of Europe wants a continent free of corporal punishment. Hitting people is wrong — and children are people, too.

To protect children from corporal punishment, the Council of Europe has developed tools for the use of governments, parliaments, local authorities, professional networks, civil society, and more generally, anyone caring for children.

Abolition of corporal punishment has become a global goal.

Criminalizing corporal punishment of children is not about putting parents in jail. Abolishing corporal punishment means promoting positive parenting.

What is Corporal Punishment of Children?

The United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child defines corporal punishment as “any punishment in which physical force is used and intended to cause some degree of pain or discomfort, however light.”

Most corporal punishment involves hitting — smacking, slapping, spanking — children, with the hand or with an implement. It can also involve kicking, shaking, or throwing children, scratching, pinching, biting, pulling hair or boxing ears, forcing children to stay in uncomfortable positions, burning, scalding, or forced ingestion.

Why Should We Abolish Corporal Punishment of Children?

  1. It is a violation of children’s rights to respect for physical integrity, human dignity, and equal protection under the law.
  2. It can cause serious physical and psychological harm to children.
  3. It teaches children that violence is an acceptable way of resolving conflict.
  4. It is ineffective as a means of discipline. There are positive ways to teach, correct, or discipline children that are better for children’s development and for family relations.
  5. It is more difficult to protect children if corporal punishment is legitimate — this implies that some forms or levels of violence against children are acceptable.

Children are not mini-human beings with mini-human rights.

How Can We Achieve Abolition?

  • Through law reform — introducing an explicit prohibition of all corporal punishment in all settings, including the home; ensuring there are no existing legal defenses that justify corporal punishment by parents or others; and providing guidance on appropriate enforcement of these laws.
  • Through policy measures — ensuring comprehensive prevention policies and effective protection systems are implemented at different levels; and promoting positive, nonviolent forms of child-rearing, conflict resolution, and education.
  • Through awareness — ensuring comprehensive awareness raising of the prohibition of corporal punishment, and of children’s rights in general.

Get Involved
This information is available in a variety of media materials from the Council of Europe. While this campaign is directed toward the European Union, this is a movement meant for all societies and is just as relevant for your community whether you live in London, Munich, Paris, Sydney, or Los Angeles. Click here to see all of the campaign materials that are available to print and pass along.