2. The Infant, 3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent

Parenting without Punishment or Reward…Really?

March 31, 2010 The Attached Family 2 Comments

By Larissa Dann, Australia’s parenting editor for The Attached Family

Really? I was 31 years old. In my arms, I held another life. He was warm, pliable and soft, caked in afterbirth, and seemed breakable. He had huge blue eyes and now he relied on me. Such a huge realization: I had to grow up now as I was largely responsible for meeting all his needs – his nutrition, his physical and emotional needs, his safe passage through life.

I was also, overwhelmingly, in love.

There was, I realized, a dilemma for me. In my entire life, I think I had only ever held one baby. I did not know how to change nappies or what to do when he cried. All I had to guide me through this parenting jungle was the dimly remembered and experienced way I was brought up.

That way meant lots of affection. It also meant lots of smacking — at least once every six months because, as I recall my mother saying, we just needed that spank to get us back in line.

When my son was eight months old, he bit me during an exuberant breastfeeding session. I did not know what to do: I thought the only tool at my disposal was to punish him, so I tapped him lightly on the foot. I still remember how he pulled off the breast straight away, and looked at me, his round eyes totally puzzled. I was lost: This did not feel good. What else could I do?

Putting the Relationship Back into Parenting

Serendipitously, around that time, a friend asked if I’d like to take her place at a parenting course called Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) that teaches a relationship — and, I now believe, an attachment — approach to parenting. I had no idea what it would entail — I just knew I needed all the tips I could find on this new journey.

The course was life changing for me. I learned that children were people! I learned they deserved respect, but the most mind-blowing and challenging tenet of this approach to parenting was that I could eschew the use of rewards and punishment.

Wow! This was big! All my assumptions about being a “good” parent, which was based a lot on my experience of being parented — that was all being questioned and, ultimately, thrown out the window. Now, my guide to being a parent was about building a relationship with my child, not trying to control him. This was a fundamental shift in the foundations I had been preparing for parenting.

Meeting Skepticism with Resolve

Could I do it? Could I really bring up a considerate, caring child in today’s world, without bringing him into line using the old carrot and stick? Wouldn’t he end up spoiled and self-centred? I proudly told my mother of my plans, and excitedly described all the new skills and philosophy I had just learned. She listened, skeptically.

A week or so later, my mother relayed a story and advice from her golfing friends. She had told them I was planning to bring up my son without smacking him. They all laughed, saying I would soon find out that was impossible. I bowed my head, more determined than ever. I was going to do this, and my son would benefit!

I was influenced to take change my attitude toward parenting by authors such as Thomas Gordon who wrote Parent Effectiveness Training and Teaching Children Self Discipline, and Louise Porter who wrote Children are People, Too. These authors demonstrated a strong case against using rewards or punishment. Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence further cemented my resolve to rely on relationship skills.

Change Begins with a New View of Children

And so, this journey through positive parenting began. How was I going to avoid using praise, or star charts, or stickers? What would I do when I couldn’t put my child in timeout, count to three, plan a consequence for his actions, or be able to smack him?

I was helped by an underlying ethos from my parent training — that children do not “misbehave.” Instead, they behave simply to meet a need. If I could understand that need, rather than blame my child or see him as deliberately wanting to “get at” me, then I might find it easier to respond to him, rather than punish him.

The Trial of the Toddler Years

Soon, we came to the toddler years. How could I entice him to use the toilet without reward? How could I stop him drawing on the fridge without some consequence? And surely he was too young to understand my verbal communication, and I would need to smack him or put him in timeout?

Somehow, I managed. I did not use timeout or rewards. Instead, I used the relationship skills I’d been taught, with the core belief that he was not being “naughty” or “bad” but simply being a child with unmet needs. I was also guided by the incentive to develop emotional and social intelligence in my son, for him to become empathic and considerate.

Making a Long-term Commitment

Having emerged relatively unscathed through the toddler years, I decided I wanted to teach this style of parenting. One motivation was that teaching the skills would help keep me on track with using the skills personally. I have now been teaching P.E.T. for more than 13 years and love it!

Attention Parents: Attachment Parenting International Leadership is a great way to continue educating yourself on Attachment Parenting — and “keep yourself in line” — while also getting the added benefit of educating and supporting other parents. Learn more here.

Parenting in this way has resulted in some interesting judgements by family and friends. I have been seen as “giving in” to my children, because I don’t insist they do everything my way. “You let him win that time!” is a never-forgotten comment by my grandmother. My take on those same situations, however, has been to see the outcome as a win-win for both my child and myself.

Being a teacher of parenting has it’s own social issues. I was once meeting my cousin and her friend who had been a student in the course. The ex-student was reticent with me and later told me that she had warned her children to behave as they were going to be seeing the parenting teacher! In my eyes, I’m just a mum, who happens to have taken a certain path.

Still Learning

It hasn’t all been smooth sailing. I am no perfect mother — just ask my children! They will happily fill you in on where I could do better. I make heaps of mistakes, but I forgive myself because I am human and then apologize — a lot! And I continue to delight in my children.

My son is now a teenager, and I am thoroughly enjoying walking beside him as he negotiates this difficult stage in life. I am excited by who he is becoming and I value our relationship every day. I have not grounded him and he is aware that this is not an option for me.

My younger child is another delight, and I marvel at her sparkle every minute I am with her. We have our moments, as does any relationship, but our attachment bond is strong. I hope that her entry and movement through adolescence is as exciting and wondrous for us both, as the journey her brother is taking.

Validation

Recently, my mother complimented me. She acknowledged that she thought it would be impossible to bring up children without physical punishment. Now, when she looks at my children, she sees that it is possible.

For me, taking this approach to parenting seems to be fulfilling my goals as a parent. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea. I just wanted to share that choosing to parent in this fashion — relying on relationship rather than behavior management — is possible…if you trust yourself, your children, and your motivation.

Professional Parenting with Judy Arnall

Keep Family Game Night Fun

March 30, 2010 The Attached Family Leave a comment

By Judy Arnall, author of Discipline without Distress, www.professionalparenting.ca

Judy Arnall It’s that time of the week that everyone looks forward to: family game night. Here are some tips to make it go smoother and fun for everyone, including Mom:

Have a simple dinner — Order in pizza so that there are not many dishes to clean up and cooking is not necessary. If pizza is too expensive, plan to have a “snack” tray instead. Get a set of muffin tins or any compartmentalized tray and serve cheese cubes, fruit cubes, vegetable sticks, a few dips, meat roll-ups, raisins, nuts (not for under four-year-olds though), crackers, pita pieces, hummus, and various finger foods. This takes hardly any dishes, and Mom is not always getting up between game turns to cook, serve. and clean-up dinner.
Maintain a “missing pieces” bucket — Have a catch-all bucket for wayward game pieces, puzzle pieces, dice, and cards that get stuck under the sofa, behind tables, and dropped into the carpet. That way, when a certain game is pulled out, the bucket can be checked for “lost” pieces before play begins.
Use plastic bags for pieces — When game boxes get wrecked from overuse, use clear locking plastic bags to contain cards and all pieces. Hole punch the bag if you have young children present so it is not a suffocation hazard. Bags are also handy for travelling because they keep out dirt and are less bulky. Continue reading Keep Family Game Night Fun →

3. The Toddler

Reclaiming Happy Hour: Responding with Sensitivity during Meal Preparation

March 24, 2010 The Attached Family 2 Comments

By Stephanie Dahl, Responding with Sensitivity editor for The Attached Family

The hours of 4 p.m. to 6 p.m., known in the restaurant and lounge world as “Happy Hour,” have not been historically happy in my house. A more accurate term would be the “Wicked Hours.” The reason for this is that two essential parenting principles were in conflict with one another during that timeframe: Feed with Love and Respect, and Respond with Sensitivity. I wanted to be both fully present to help facilitate positive play and lovingly cook a healthy homemade dinner — at the same time. It seemed impossible to do both.

Around 4 p.m., I would start to cook dinner. Because I use fresh ingredients and cook from scratch, my attention would be on meal preparation. I can’t see the living room while I’m in the kitchen in my house, so supervising my toddlers while preparing dinner was a challenge. Most often, I would be a frazzled mess, bouncing between the kitchen and living room.

By 5:30 p.m., my husband arrived home and we all sat down at the table to have a meal together. But the children were cranky, I was cantankerous, and he was tired. Family mealtime was not shaping up to be as positive as I had hoped. Change was needed.

In order to cook dinner and meet my children’s needs, I had to either adjust how I was approaching dinner or adjust how I structured my children’s time. As it turns out, I ended up doing a little of both, depending upon the meal.

Here are two meal preparation techniques I’ve found helpful for streamlining cooking:

Slow Cooker — While the kids are napping in the afternoon, I can prepare our dinner ingredients and pop them into the slow cooker to cook on high until dinner time. There are very diverse recipes that can be made in a slow cooker. (Not everything will be a casserole!)
Freezer Storage — You can take this as far as you’d like, but the basic idea is to prepare ingredients or meals ahead of time and freeze them. Some people dedicate a day to making and freezing their meals for the next 30 days, but I’m not that organized. Instead, I do some basic ingredient preparation that saves time, such as chopping onions and freezing them flat in a plastic bag. When a recipe calls for onion, I just break off what I need from the freezer pack. You can also chop fresh herbs and freeze them in ice cube trays –- just pop out what you need for your meal.

If I’m cooking more traditionally, I know I’ll need great activities to keep my kids nearby and occupied:

Sensory play allows children to experience different textures

Sensory Play

— I partially fill a long, shallow tub with dry bulk goods (such as beans, peas, or flax seed), drop in some measuring spoons, and let the girls scoop, stir, and experience soothing tactile sensations.
Little Chefs — While I’m not yet comfortable sharing the stove with my children, I’ve begun to incorporate tasks that they can safely do to help. Plastic knives are safe for little hands and do a nice job of slicing soft fruits and vegetables. (We hand-wash and reuse the knives.) My girls also enjoy measuring and pouring ingredients and taking turns stirring (nothing hot!).
Tablescape —
A peek inside the drawer used for Tablescape

The girls have their own drawer with their tableware and they love getting the things they need for dinner. Sometimes they end up with a few too many bowls, or need a reminder to grab a spoon, but giving them the responsibility for collecting their own dinnerware has been such a joy for all of us. And you’d be surprised at how engaging this activity can be!
Floor Art — Coloring can be such a fun activity, but somehow it is even better when done on a giant piece of paper on the floor. Check your local newspaper to see if they offer end rolls of newsprint, try butcher paper (available at most office supply stores), or use large scrap paper (we recently used the backs of used wrapping paper).

These little changes have made a tremendous difference in our afternoons. Now I’m either letting the slow cooker do the work or I have engaging, constructive activities for the kids to do while I cook. And 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. in our home is now known as our “Happy Hours.”

Striving for Balance: Personal & Family

The Marriage Challenge

March 24, 2010 The Attached Family 2 Comments

By Sonya Fehér, contributing editor for the API Speaks blog, leader for API of South Austin, Texas, USA, and blogger at www.mamatrue.com

Before my son was born, a friend gave me the book, Babyproofing Your Marriage. The book was based on very traditional gender roles and a husband who expected his wife to have dinner on the table when he got home and justify why the house wasn’t clean when all she had to do was hang out with a baby all day. The advice they were giving wasn’t for us.

Even so, it turned out our marriage did need some babyproofing. Decisions we made about parenting turned into unanticipated challenges to our intimacy and partnership. Continue reading The Marriage Challenge →

2. The Infant, 3. The Toddler, 4. The Growing Child

‘I was Spanked, and I’m Fine!’

March 2, 2010 The Attached Family 1 Comment

By Jan Hunt, founder/director of The Natural Child Project, www.naturalchild.org

We hear it all the time, when spanking is mentioned. Someone steps forward and says something like this:

“Well, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I was spanked, and I’m fine. We all know that sometimes spanking is necessary for solving problems with kids. And since it’s both necessary and harmless, it should be allowed and even encouraged.”

At face value, this seems to be an airtight case — a perfectly logical justification of spanking as part of the necessary discipline of children. And a lot of people see it that way. But is it really so logical? Is spanking necessary? And is it as harmless as so many believe it to be?

Let’s examine the argument:

“I was spanked.” (fact)
“I’m fine.” (opinion)
“Sometimes spanking is necessary for solving problems with kids.” (false assumption)
“Since it’s both necessary and harmless, it should be allowed and even encouraged.” (illogical conclusion)

Now let’s consider a similar argument that seems to justify smoking:

“George Burns smoked all his life from his teenage years on.” (fact)
“He was in reasonably good health all his life and lived to be 100.” (fact)
“Sometimes smoking is necessary for coping with life’s problems.” (false assumption)
“It should be allowed and even encouraged.” (illogical conclusion)

Smoking good? This analogy should help to make it clear that the spanking argument, like the one on smoking, is based on false assumptions and leads to illogical conclusions. Some children, like some smokers, are less affected than others because of a natural emotional resiliency, just as Mr. Burns must have had physical resilience. Some children, like some smokers, are less harmed than others because of mitigating factors, such as the presence of other adults who treat them with love and care. To the extent that a spanked child is really “fine,” it is in spite of, not because of, the punishments they have received. Mr. Burns must have had mitigating factors, too. Perhaps his strict regimen of daily exercise helped him to fare better than other smokers, or perhaps he inherited a strong constitution.

For many reasons, George Burns was one of the survivors among frequent smokers. And for many reasons, there are also “survivors” of spanking. But we can never know just how much happier and more fulfilled they might have been had they been gently guided instead of being punished — any more than we can know just how much healthier Mr. Burns might have been had he never smoked a cigarette or a cigar. Would he have lived even longer?

Like smoking, spanking can be harmful and it is entirely unnecessary, because there are far more effective and emotionally healthy alternatives. And these alternatives work in the long term — unlike spanking — because they establish a pattern of good behavior that is motivated by the simple, genuine desire to reciprocate love.

As Dr. Elliott Barker has written: “Kids who have their needs met early by loving parents … are subjected totally and thoroughly to the most effective form of ‘discipline’ conceivable: they don’t do what you don’t want them to do because they love you so much!”

Behavior that is based on fear can last only until the child is old enough not to fear defying the parent. Punishment builds anger and resentment within the child that will inevitably be expressed at a future time — angry teenagers do not fall from the sky! In contrast, behavior that is based on mutual love and trust will last through all the years of a child’s life, and through the entire length of the parent-child relationship. There is little that is more rewarding for a parent than the enjoyment of an enduring, loving, and close tie with their child over many years.

Given all of this, let’s revise the spanking argument:

“I was spanked.”
“I’m fine, but I wish I was happier and more productive, and better able to love and trust others.”
“Since spanking is both unnecessary and harmful, it should never be allowed. Our government, like those in many European nations, should actively and strongly discourage it.”

Spanking, like all other forms of punishment, such as timeout and consequences, can only bring about temporary and superficially “good” behavior based on threats and fear.

As John Holt reminded us years ago: “When we make a child afraid, we stop learning dead in its tracks.”

Gentle, loving, and respectful guidance is the only truly effective way to help a child to grow and develop to his full potential as a loving and trusting adult. Spanking is unnecessary, harmful, disrespectful, and unfair. Let’s stop doing it!

Professional Parenting with Judy Arnall

Why Timeout as a Punishment Doesn’t Work

March 2, 2010 The Attached Family 4 Comments

By Judy Arnall, author of Discipline without Distress, www.professionalparenting.ca

Judy Arnall Are you tired of holding the bedroom door handle closed when your school-aged child is trying to leave during a timeout? Fed up with your child trashing his room during timeout? Frustrated because you can’t get your child to calm down and think about restitution during his timeout?

Perhaps it’s time to re-think the way a timeout is used. Timeout is a popular behavior modification technique designed to punish unacceptable behavior. Much like the use of a penalty box in a hockey game, the absence from positive play is supposed to teach children to stop doing the behavior that got them sent there. However, it rarely works.

The Origin of Timeout

When parenting experts advised parents not to spank, timeout grew as a replacement for spanking. It was promoted under many names: quality time, reflection time, thinking time, timeout. It is promoted for children as young as one year old up to 13 years old, because then children are usually too big to be dragged off to their rooms. Parents loved it, because it sounded respectful and it gave them something concrete to do in times of misbehavior, rather than “not doing anything because spanking is not allowed anymore.” As the popularity of timeout grew, experts turned the purpose of timeout from a punishment that extinguishes behavior into a more acceptable-sounding purpose as a tool that enabled a child to “calm down.” However, as more and more parents used timeout to help their child “calm down,” they began to use it less as a calming tool and more as punishment. Continue reading Why Timeout as a Punishment Doesn’t Work →

4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent

AP with the Double-Digit Child (10+ years old)

February 17, 2010 The Attached Family Leave a comment

By Gila Brown, MA, parent educator, www.gilabrown.com

AP with the double-digit child We know the Eight Principles of Parenting are fundamental in establishing the critical attachment bond with our little ones.

As children get older, their needs evolve. Once we’ve parented through infancy and toddlerhood, whether or not we’ve followed the Principles, how can we ensure that we raise compassionate, independent, secure, and cooperative older children? As the need for discipline increases, how can we respond positively and in alignment with the Eight Principles of Parenting?

Attachment Parenting (AP) defines ways through which we can connect with our young children. From the time an infant is born, we use the Eight Principles to establish a secure bond. We prepare ourselves for becoming a parent, we breastfeed, cosleep, and keep baby in our arms. We learn to read her cues and show consistent, loving care. As she becomes a toddler, we meet her tantrums with respect and positive discipline.

For older kids, however, the window for applying some of the commonly thought-of AP practices has closed. It is too late for breastfeeding or babywearing. Tantrums are much less frequent at this age. However, it’s important to remember that AP lays the foundation for positive parent-child relationships from birth through the teen years, and beyond.

Therefore, we might consider reframing some of the Principles in order to offer parents more direction for raising attached, older children. While traditional parenting approaches dictate that we control our children through discipline tactics, AP teaches us to pre-empt the challenges by strengthening the attachment bond and thereby preventing the need for mainstream discipline tactics, empowering children to resolve conflicts independently, and eliciting more cooperation from them.

Respond with Sensitivity by…Listening without Judgment

Learning to listen to children without judging them is not an easy goal. Being able to do this consistently is even more difficult. Be that as it may, it is the single most effective tool a parent can use in order to encourage an older child to open up. When a child feels secure enough to share his thoughts and emotions regularly, the need for discipline decreases.

When a double-digit (age 10+) child sees that his parents are willing to listen to him, respectfully and without criticism, he comes to see them as people who love him unconditionally, regardless of what he has to say, how he feels, or even the actions he takes. In turn, he is increasingly willing to express his love and respect for them. As he begins to see that his family values him just as he is, he is more likely to cooperate with others and be empathetic to parents who need some extra help. He is more likely to enjoy the time he spends with parents and family, and ultimately he trusts that he is safe and loved unconditionally. Children are constantly communicating with us, either through their words or their actions. By taking the time to listen, and controlling our impulse to correct, instruct, criticize, or control, our children begin to learn that they can safely open up and express their authentic selves. Consequently, their inclination to act-out subsides.

Provide Consistent, Loving Care by…Focusing on Feelings, Not Behaviors

Rather than schedule Baby’s feedings and activities according to our schedules, we respect our baby’s needs and provide for them accordingly. For the older child, it is equally important that we do not attempt to control their needs and subsequent behaviors. It is important that we recognize when we begin to replace their needs with our own. When we respond to our children’s feelings, rather than their actions, two things occur:

They feel heard and validated.
Once they feel understood, the hurt feelings and resulting behaviors subside.

When a child is upset, we reflect back to them what we believe they are feeling, rather than addressing their actions, such as “You are frustrated that your little brother keeps using your toys” and “You’re feeling embarrassed that your teacher yelled at you in class.”

There is no need to advise, philosophize, judge, or expand upon their feelings. We need to look beyond any problematic behaviors and acknowledge the feelings that cause them. Acting out is simply the result, or symptom, of the underlying cause. By responding to their feelings, we can address the root of the problem rather than just the symptom. Just as we’ve learned to respond to our baby’s cues, challenging behaviors in our older children are our opportunities to identify their unmet needs.

Practice Positive Discipline by…Empowering Children to Problem-Solve

Children can handle most burdens that come their way. We tend to forget how creative and competent they can be. Once we trust that a child has the compassion and ability to make appropriate decisions on their own, we no longer need to control their behavior with rewards and punishments or force our decisions on them. By listening without judgment and focusing on feelings, we can guide our children to discover their own solutions or make restitution when appropriate. We can also engage them in brainstorming discussions to identify win-win solutions to almost any challenge.

Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life by…Reconnecting

Reconnecting refers to setting time aside for one-on-one time with our kids. By reconnecting, we create opportunities to strengthen the bond with our older children outside of the daily routine. Try something new together or do something special. By leaving egos, judgments, and cell phones at the door, this opportunity to let down our guards and focus on what is special about our children allows us to get to know them at a deeper level. A child who has this type of connection with at least one adult will exhibit fewer behavioral problems.

4. The Growing Child, 5. The Adolescent

Do Consequences Work with Older Children?

February 17, 2010 The Attached Family Leave a comment

By Camille North, editor of API Links

consequences Some years ago, my oldest son forgot his shoes on a routine trip to the grocery store. We’d struggled with the “shoe issue” for a while, and I hadn’t come up with a workable solution to help him remember to bring his shoes when we had errands to run. Frequently, we’d have to double back to the house to retrieve a pair, and I’d be impatient and irritable. This day, I decided to let him take charge. We arrived at the store and, sure enough, his shoes were nowhere to be found. He ended up wearing his little sister’s flip-flops for the (mercifully short) shopping trip. He never again forgot his shoes.

Do consequences work with older children? The whole concept made perfect sense with young children. However, the idea becomes more nebulous as your children get older and become more logical, inquisitive, intuitive, and analytical.

Why Use Consequences?

What are your goals for discipline? Do you simply want your child to obey you? Or do you wish to guide rather than punish, to help your child develop the skills and tools to deal with obstacles and succeed in life? Continue reading Do Consequences Work with Older Children? →

5. The Adolescent, The Editor's Desk

Stay Connected with Your Grown Children: An interview with grandmother Ruth Nemzoff

February 17, 2010 The Attached Family 1 Comment

By Rita Brhel, managing editor and attachment parenting resource leader (API)

Don't Bite Your Tongue by Ruth Nemzoff According to cultural standards, I am not an adult, even though I am many years out of school, own my home, have been married for nearly a decade, and have two children. The reason is, I still seek out my mother’s advice on a regular basis. I ask for tips in marriage, suggestions in managing money, and guidance in navigating life’s hardest moments. If being an adult means that you are able to live emotionally independent of the parents that raised you, I am far from grown up.

This is why it was so refreshing to read Don’t Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children by Ruth Nemzoff, a grandmother who believes that parenting doesn’t end just because your child turns 18 or 21 years old, gets married, or gives birth to her own children.

Last fall, I talked with Ruth about her views of Attachment Parenting when the kids leave home:

RITA: Ruth, your book definitely fills a need in parenting information — what to do when our children reach the age of adulthood. Your book helps fill the gap for both generations. You mention that your professional studies have mostly been with mothers of children with disabilities. How did this book come about?

RUTH: When my first child got married, everyone came up to me and said to keep my mouth shut and my pocketbook open. I thought that was terrible advice, because what was happening was a change in the relationship with my child and this new person was entering the family with whom I had an entirely new relationship. Plus, I thought that comment was terribly insulting. I didn’t want my relationships with my children to be about giving them money. That’s what first got me thinking about relationships with adult children being a mix of obligation and choice.

When I wrote the book, I wrote it definitely for the grandparent generation. What I found is that when adult children who are parents read the book, they get so much out of it.

RITA: How so?

RUTH: The three-generation relationship — grandparent-parent-child — is incredibly important, because it can either facilitate parenting or debilitate parenting.

For example, when a new baby comes, it’s very important to clarify roles ahead of time. The grandparent may come in and expect to care for the newborn, but the mother wants them to be the cook and dish washer. Or, the mother may say she wants to spend all of her time bonding with her baby but finds she needs a little time to herself here and there, and the grandparent was expecting to clean the house. The grandparent needs to be open to suggestion from the parent. What the mother can do is to voice her expectations but stay flexible, perhaps saying something like, “I want to take care of my baby, and would rather that you help around the house instead. But I may want you to hold the baby sometimes, when I take a shower or lay down for a nap.” If there are multiple children, the parent may want the grandparent to care for the older child, but the older child may only want to be around the mother. So, the parent may want to say to the grandparent, “It’d be most helpful if you could spend time playing with Suzy but know that she may feel the need to spend time with me, too, and that’s OK.”

Another example is when the grandparent is providing childcare for the parent. The key here is to be sure the grandparent is given as much respect as an employee is given, that the grandparent isn’t expected to provide free babysitting just whenever the parent asks. This is easier when the parent is paying the grandparent for babysitting, but even with free babysitting, it shouldn’t be a problem if the grandparent wants to go on a vacation. If you called your mom wanting her to come over to watch the kids and she couldn’t do it, it’d be inconvenient, yes, but just as you would with any other babysitter, you would have to find a way around the problem without putting your mother in the middle. Grandparents and parents need to communicate on each of their expectations when it comes to babysitting, especially when it comes to discipline. If grandparents are babysitting regularly or frequently, the parents need to give them the right to discipline in their own way, just as they would with a daycare provider. And if the parent has a real problem, she or he needs to talk about it. For example, say you don’t like your mother giving your child candy when she’s potty-training, you need to first identify whether it’s the concept of a reward or the candy that you don’t like and then talk to your mother, but do that just as you would with a daycare provider. Accord the grandparents the same respect as you would an employee.

Parents and grandparents need a process to clarify roles but then a way to re-negotiate them, too.

We all parent either exactly the way our parents parented us or in opposition to our parents, unless we consciously acknowledge the parenting practices we do and don’t want to use. When we become aware of how our parents raised us, we have to remember that no parent is the perfect parent. We all make mistakes. We all have the right to our own feelings, but you have to be forgiving in families.

RITA: Does your book address situations in which the grandparent is raising their grandchildren?

RUTH: Custody is not the same as grandparenting. I’m not talking about when grandparents raise their grandchildren; that is a whole topic to itself. What the book focuses on is the normal storms in life between parents and their adult children.

RITA: I understand. What potential do you see in your book?

RUTH: The grandparent-parent relationship is an international problem. I spoke in China to a group of expats from around the world, and in India. In every society, grandparents and their adult children are struggling in their relationships. Grandparents, no matter what country, have the same issues as American grandparents: Kids doing something different than what they want.

Everywhere I go, parents are saying, “Thank God! Someone is talking about this!” It’s been a topic ignored for too long. Parenting books used to end at age three, years ago. Now, we’re up to the teen years. But, there aren’t any books besides this one that goes beyond into the adult years.

RITA: Why do you think there is so much interest in this topic now?

RUTH: All the baby boomers are coming into this grandparent age group. They want to keep the relationships with their kids. They have spent so much time and energy and money on their children that they don’t want to lose that relationship as their children grow into their adult years. They don’t want to let go.

I don’t like to say that grandparents are supposed to let go of their adult children. They are just changing the parental role. They’re realizing that their child has developed new skills and are adjusting in the way they relate to their children.

Attachment goes on forever. We need each other at the beginning of life and at the end of life and in every crisis in the middle. We never outgrow our need for cheerleaders.

That — cheerleading and helping each other out in the crisis, and being able to depend on each other for mutual solace and support — that, to me, is what Attachment Parenting is in the adult years. The grandparent-parent relationship is complicated because of the ambiguity of trying to figure out where adulthood begins and childhood ends and because many of us think that being grown-up means being disconnected from our families rather than being engaged with them as friends, as supports, and caring beings. The aim is not to let go but, rather, to constantly recalibrate the relationships so that both the grandparent and parent have more joy than aggravation from being connected.

RITA: What are the areas of conflict that most often come up in this three-generation dynamic — grandparent-parent-child?

RUTH: When you’re talking about grandparent-parent-child relationships, particularly with young children, the top two issues are:

Gift giving — a parent may object to a grandparent’s gift of toy guns or Barbie dolls. The problem is not so much the toys but the philosophy behind it. The parent objects to the guns, because she doesn’t want her child to be exposed to violence, or to the Barbie dolls because of the image of women they perpetuate. One way around this is for the grandparent to give to his or her grandchild the gift of time. They can still spend money on their grandchild but do it in the context of spending time with the child, such as a visit to the zoo.
Discipline — it’s very different when grandparents come once a year than when they babysit frequently. It is easier for parents to allow grandparents to break the parents’ rules when the grandparents come only sporadically than when they babysit regularly. In either case, all three generations need to understand what the rules are and why each generation might want them to be different. For example, a parent who does not usually allow TV might suggest to the visiting grandparent that if they are totally exhausted, to sit and watch an educational TV program with the child. In this way, the grandparents get the rest they need and the parents get the relief they need, and the child gets a terrific snuggle!Grandparents also often have concerns with the parent’s approach to discipline. Some people prefer that their children learn through experience; others want more of a part in teaching them. Discipline is on a continuum, and involves varying amounts of justice and mercy. It’s important that grandparents allow parents to choose their own way to discipline. Most kids grow up reasonably well either way.

Reframing is a useful life skill. Reframing is looking at a situation in a new way, so instead of seeing a certain action as a breaking of the rules, one might view it as an opportunity for children to learn that different people have different expectations. We need to realize that the grandparents’ generation entered a world very different than the parents’ generation did, and that each generation required different skills.

Both sides would do well to be a lot less judgmental when it comes to discipline. Kids learn and kids can cope with many different rules. That’s one of the skills you need to learn in life. Your child will get to the point where, when she hears that Grandma is coming, she says, “Yeah, I can go to bed an hour later,” or “Oh no, Grandma makes me go to bed an hour earlier.”

So, first, I’d say grandparents and parents both need to be less judgmental. Second, they need to know themselves and their own parenting styles. And third, they need to be forgiving.

RITA: You emphasize the need for open communication between grandparents and their adult children. How do you suggest grandparents and their adult children go about resolving strong feelings?

RUTH: To give an example, a common problem is that people tend to be taken for granted in families. So when you feel hurt, it’s time to talk about it. Use “I feel…” statements rather than “You…” For example, “I feel taken for granted” rather than “You’re taking me for granted.” Then, problem-solve for a resolution agreeable to both of you.

You can take a lot of lessons from other relationships, such as work relationships and friendships, and apply them to the grandparent-parent relationship. One of the big things in families is learning timing — when to bring up a concern. For example, try to avoid situations where either one of you is hungry or tired.

RITA: Thank you for your time, Ruth. Do you have any closing thoughts?

RUTH: So much of the grandparent-parent relationship is putting yourself in the other’s shoes, seeing the situation from the other’s point of view. This really helps resolve tensions.

1. Pregnancy & Birth, Your Birth Stories

An Attached C-section

February 3, 2010 The Attached Family 7 Comments

By Catherine McTamaney, EdD, society and education lecturer at Vanderbilt University, Nashville, Tennessee USA

Catherine Mctamaney It never occurred to me that anything might go wrong.

My partner and I had asked all the big questions as we got ready for the birth of our son. We’d prepared ourselves both physically and spiritually for what we expected to be a smooth, beautiful childbirth assisted by our midwife. It just never occurred to me that we would need anything besides each other to welcome our child into this world.

Okay, okay. I can hear the knowing chuckling of mothers everywhere. Yes, we should have known better. But we didn’t. We were first-timers.

The day before our son was born, a check-up indicated far less movement in utero than our midwife felt was healthy. Because we knew the baby would be large, Deborah recommended a c-section, and we resigned ourselves to surgery.

I didn’t want to sacrifice rooming-in with the baby, however, and the hospital had never tried a rooming-in with a C-section family before. Deborah phoned ahead to let them know of our request. The first nurse we spoke with said she felt it was unwise and that my recovery would be hindered. We asked Deborah to keep calling. She reached the head nurse for the ward, promised that either my partner or another family member would always be with me, and was given the go-ahead for us to room in.

From the moment we were admitted to the hospital, we were the knowing subjects of an unusual experiment. One of our nurses believed strongly in Attachment Parenting and was an enthusiastic supporter. Another believed just as strongly that my body would not heal properly if I were under the additional responsibility of caring for my child. Each of us, naysayers and supporters, waited to prove ourselves right.

On April 22, my son was born, weighing 10 lbs. 15 oz. and healthy as could be, in a delivery room crowded with my midwife, the perionatalogist performing the surgery, a team from intensive care, the delivery nurses, the recovery nurses, the neonatal nurse, and, somewhere in the crowd, my partner and me. Not certain of how to combine a c-section and nonseparation, the hospital had simply sent everyone from their own departments into surgery with us. And so our quiet, natural birth turned into a fabulous, well-attended party, complete with a local Nashville radio station playing in the background. My partner was able to be with our son while my surgery was completed, then brought him to my arms, where he lay comfortably sleeping as my stitches were tied.

From that moment, our son never left us. All the necessary tests were performed in our room. He was bathed, measured, and clothed within my reach. He nursed easily and on demand; I had no engorgement and my milk came in less than 30 hours after surgery. I walked unassisted the morning after his birth. I had little pain or discomfort around my incision, which healed beautifully. I listened to my own body, ate when I was hungry, walked when I needed movement, and never noticed myself healing because I was too busy attending to my child.

Mothering is an obviously generative process, but it is just as importantly regenerative. I had an exceptionally easy recovery from my surgery, and I believe the reason is that it is very difficult to focus on and perpetuate our own pain when we’re admiring our children. I did not have time to think about whether I hurt, because I had a new child to care for. I did not have time to fear mothering, because I had to mother. And the overwhelming joy, the pure and incomparable wonder, the love that makes you smile so hard tears are forced from your eyes, shadowed any discomfort I might have felt. I don’t claim not to have had pain — but I know I didn’t notice it.

On the day we were discharged from the hospital, a day earlier than expected, I was required to attend an orientation meeting. Sitting in a classroom across from the nursery, I watched a young mother pushing a plastic hospital bassinet in which a tiny pink bundle slept. At her side was an older woman, probably her own mother. They stopped at the door to the nursery and pushed it open with the far end of the bassinet. The young mother motioned with one hand to the nurses inside, then she and her mother turned and walked back down the hall.

She never said goodbye to her child, never kissed her or patted her head. She didn’t tuck the blanket in before she left or stop to catch one more glimpse of those tiny fingers. She was already disconnected from the life she’d had within her only a day before. I wondered how different that family might be if, instead of offering drop-in childcare, the hospital had offered instead a supportive environment for attachment. An opportunity was lost, as that family detached, to protect and nurture the bond of mother and child that nature requires of us while we are pregnant, and hospitals so easily regulate out of us once our babies are born.

In retrospect, I believe the reason my partner and I were so blasé about birth classes was because, although we never articulated it, there exists a trust between us that our love for our child would guide us. It is a promise that we have, in turn, given to our son — not that we would make no mistakes, but that we would be guided by love. We didn’t choose Attachment Parenting because we had done long research about its benefits; we chose it because, when we knew our son was coming, we couldn’t bear the thought of not being with him all the time. We didn’t choose to sleep as a family because of scientific research on cosleeping; we chose it because we loved the way our son felt beside us.

How joyous, then, that our instincts, our love for our child, led us to the best practice! We needed the support of our doctors to welcome our child safely into this world, to overcome the practical limits of my own body. But this experience has taught me that, however limited my physical being, my spirit is strong. My spirit heals. My spirit mothers. And when I look down at my happy little scar smiling up at me from across my belly, I know we still had a natural birth. We’ve kept our promise.

Connecting with our children for a more compassionate world.